Category: Satire

Today – Thursday, May 23rd – will witness the display of a secret Republican plot to maintain the City Council District 2 seat now held by Kevin Hawkner, a Republican who is termed out.

And it all involves the unveiling of a bronze statute dedicated to lifeguards in San Diego and Ocean Beach. Former Republican old guard, Byron Worn, who used to hold the seat, will be on hand to assist in the dedication. Byron used to be a lifeguard until he propelled his political career off the backs of the Lifeguard Employee Union and into the City Council seat – this was years ago – but his appearance today will confirm his continued involvement in local politics.

This just in: the San Diego Free Press is going corporate.

From banner changes to types of articles published, the San Diego Free Press – the on-line daily journal for San Diego County has apparently made a 180 degrees turn from its prior stance.

We at the OB Rag are very concerned with these changes, as the SDFP was our baby. We re-birthed the online publication back on June 4, 2012.

Listen to some of these headlines (click on the headline to go to the article):

Mayor Filner Joins Forces with New York City Mayor Bloomberg

San Diego and New York City mayors take aim at sugary soft drinks

In a speech yesterday at the Balboa Park Club, Mayor Bob Filner outlined his plans for combating the consumption of large quantities of sugary, fizzy soft drinks. (Go to remainder of post.)

After having purchased and transformed the San Diego Union Tribune into America’s greatest newspaper in the Finest City in the World’s Best Darn Country, Doug Manchester is at it again. This time he has set his sights on the nation’s pastime and is aiming to put it back on the map for good by bringing an even more super American brand of baseball to the place where happy happens.

Change of course, is not just what will be left in your pocket after the Socialist in Chief leaves the White House, it’s the order of the day at Manchester Park, home of the San Diego Robber Barons. Swap out the statue of Tony Gwyn for one of the Lord Manchester himself and toss the swinging friar down the memory hole and replace him with that plucky little Carl DeMaio who will rove the stands passing out complementary reports on the inefficiency of local government and the scourge of pubic sector unionism.

As for the team, it’s been outsourced with all the players now coming from undisclosed third world nations and being paid at rates comparable to those they would receive in their native lands.

WASHINGTON (The Global Edition) — At a jointly held press conference today, Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch announced that they would be organizing “The Million, Billionaires march on Washington.”

After selling their list of demands to the reporters present, Trump spoke up, “There is no ‘affirmative action’ for billionaires. I went to vote, I couldn’t even get a cocktail with it.

By Eugene Davidovitch / Americans for Safe Access

BACKGROUND: On October 7, 2011, at a press conference in Sacramento, US Attorney Laura Duffy, along with several other US Attorneys, announced a statewide crackdown on medical cannabis cooperatives, collectives, gardens, and others.

Without citing any specific violations in state law, Duffy’s office claimed all were out of compliance and would be targeted for eradication including those fully licensed and regulated by local government and law enforcement.

“Let Them Eat Snake” report crawling with 21st Century food tips

By Victor Payan / San Diego Free Press

(BOCA RATON) Americans can stretch their dwindling food budgets and broaden their taste horizons if they’d only consider eating more insects, rats and vermin, according to Uncle Sam.

That’s the message from the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA), which today released a report on the nutritional value of more than 700 common insects, reptiles, rodents, amphibians and spiders.

From the San Diego Free Press

Erstwhile mayoral candidate turns focus to criminal element from Down Under

Bouncing back from her last-place finish in San Diego’s mayoral primary, District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis announced plans to prosecute members of a “eucalyptus distribution ring” at the city’s world-famous zoo.

The alleged conspirators — including long-time San Diego Zoo residents Thackery, Milo, and Cambee — are all koalas who live in the zoo’s “Outback” exhibit.

“While state law allows koalas to chew eucalyptus if they have a veterinarian’s recommendation,” Dumanis said, “virtually all of San Diego’s koalas consume eucalyptus regularly, and that ain’t right.”

TIJUANA, MEXICO — The signs at the union rally were lettered in red and green on a white background, reminiscent of the Mexican flag.

“!Con DeMaio al Norte!”
(“With Demaio to the North!”)

“!Si, se puede, jefe!”
(“Yes, we can, boss!”)

“!Te amos Carl!”
(“We love you, Carl!”)

The setting was a south-of-the-border parade on Tijuana’s famous Avenida Revolucion, where a union representing undocumented workers hoping to migrate to the United States endorsed Republican candidate Carl DeMaio for San Diego mayor.

In the spirit of bipartisanship, compromise, and reaching out to our friends and fellow citizens on the other side of the aisle, here The OB Rag offers its Voter Guide for the 2012 Republican Presidential Primary.

See you at the polls!

OCEAN BEACH –Bankers representing News Corporation announced that its Fox News division had agreed to purchase The OB Rag, a local news website based in San Diego.

“With this acquisition,” News Corp chairman Rupert Murdoch said in a prepared statement, “News Corp silences an increasingly important voice for social justice and expands its local coverage to boot.”

An ever-present demand of Ocean Beach residents since the mid-1970s has been to be granted “independence” by the City of San Diego. OB tenants, property owners, and businesspeople have been clamoring for the village to be its own city for all these years.

Well, it finally happened behind closed doors on Friday. City officials met and decided once and for all that the sea-side community of about one mile square with roughly 15,000 residents should be its own municipality. The announcement was met with cheers from the Planning Board to the Mainstreet Association, from southern OB where the breakers beat at the cliffs to the northern climes where musicians, ex-hippies, bikers mix it up with students, elderly, sailors and working class families.

Sunset Cliffs and Silvergate Elementary Schools to be Converted to Large Scale Service Communities

The Mayor and members of the San Diego City Council will hold a press conference today at 3:00 p.m. to announce plans for what has been termed, two “Mega Service Centers and Shelters for the Homeless,” to be established in Point Loma. Mayor Jerry Sanders’ office announced the press conference yesterday. When contacted for comment, mayoral spokesman, John Galt, said, “We have had to be a bit secretive, but the plans for the centers have been over two years in the making. We are very excited about how well these particular sites will suit the needs of so many.”