Dumanis to prosecute Zoo koalas for dealing eucalyptus

by on June 11, 2012 · 8 comments

in Popular, San Diego, Satire

caught in the act

From the San Diego Free Press

Erstwhile mayoral candidate turns focus to criminal element from Down Under

Bouncing back from her last-place finish in San Diego’s mayoral primary, District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis announced plans to prosecute members of a “eucalyptus distribution ring” at the city’s world-famous zoo.

The alleged conspirators — including long-time San Diego Zoo residents Thackery, Milo, and Cambee — are all koalas who live in the zoo’s “Outback” exhibit.

“While state law allows koalas to chew eucalyptus if they have a veterinarian’s recommendation,” Dumanis said, “virtually all of San Diego’s koalas consume eucalyptus regularly, and that ain’t right.”

Mary-Jane Goodall, the koala keeper at the San Diego Zoo, said she was baffled by the district attorney’s announcement.

“Eucalyptus has no dangerous side effects for koalas, and koalas have chewed eucalyptus for centuries,” Goodall said. “They really love that shit.”

1920s eucalyptus-runners Snugglepot and Cuddlepie (FBI photo)

Indeed, San Diego Zoo records indicate that its first koalas — Snugglepot and Cuddlepie, who came to the zoo in 1925 — were avid eucalyptus chewers.

“Snugglepot and Cuddlepie were a pair of good-for-nothing drug dealers,” said Dumanis. “Think of the example they were setting for the joeys.”

San Diego Chief of Police William Lansdowne said his department had devoted tens of thousands of man-hours to building cases against “koala kingpins.”

“For example, there’s Yabber, a female koala who seems to have earned the right to sleep in the most elevated positions in the koala enclosure’s trees,” Lansdowne said.

“As the police chief in America’s finest city, I look forward to taking Yabber down,” Lansdowne added. “It’ll be a nice change of pace from internal affairs.”

Dumanis said the prosecution would not target legitimate users of eucalyptus.

wasted out of its mind

“I’m all for letting koalas have eucalyptus, as long as they are suffering from a real illness, such as KAIDS or cancer of the pouch,” she said. “But too many koalas point to fake problems like insomnia or anxiety.

“What would a koala have to be anxious about?” Dumanis asked. “They get to live in a well-kept enclosure and entertain thousands of gawking tourists each day.”

Dumanis made the announcement from a seat at the bar at the U.S. Grant hotel in downtown San Diego.

“When I’m feeling anxious or whatever, I don’t do drugs — I just suck down a few vodka martinis,” Dumanis said, pointing to a drink in a long-stemmed glass in front of her. “The bartenders here at the Grant know I like ‘em stiffer than Carl DeMaio backstage at Chippendale’s.”

“The next morning after drinking, I’m usually a little groggy, but waking up is what coffee’s for,” she added.

think about the joeys

Dumanis said she hoped the koala prosecution would send a message to “other animal druggies” at the San Diego Zoo.

“For a long time, I’ve wondered — just why are the hyenas always laughing, anyway?” Dumanis asked.

“If those strange-looking freaks are also chomping something to help with their quote-unquote insomnia, it had better be Ambien.”

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Jack Hamlin June 11, 2012 at 11:02 am

You know Shane, Bonnie is just trying to protect us. I have added a couple of sites here about the Drop Koala problem in Australia. I was recently alerted to it by Kathy at the Old Townhouse Restaurant. It is scary stuff and should not be taken lightly.



You should not be so quick on the draw to criticize…I really think she does have our best interest at heart…


OB Mercy June 11, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Really Jack? Have you not read all we’ve posted on here about Dumanis? She denies patients their medicine. Just one of the many reasons she came in last in the race. Certainly not because she has our best interests at heart.


Marta Lomeli, author June 11, 2012 at 11:19 am

Great article! Bonnie has a sense of humor.


gail powell June 11, 2012 at 11:58 am

FUNNY as heck! Looking at those eucalyptus trees near my house and might try and roll some leaves tonight for my “insomnia.”


Ernie McCray June 11, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Bitchin’. Give me a call, Shane. I know a dude who grows some killer eucalyptus; it’ll make a koala wanna holler, “mercy, mercy, mercy” and play Miles all day long.


Jack Hamlin June 11, 2012 at 12:31 pm

It reminds me of that old Jimmy Buffett song, Pencil Thin Moustache…”and only jazz musicians were chewin’ eucalyptus…”


OB Mercy June 11, 2012 at 4:39 pm

If that Koala yells my name like that, I’ll come a running!


Goatskull June 12, 2012 at 8:16 am

Her efforts are very misguided to say the least. She should be going after Tasmanian Devils and prosecute them. They are some mean little critters and will eat up all the rabbit population.



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