Manchester Buys Baseball’s Padres, Changes Name

by on April 1, 2013 · 4 comments

in San Diego, Satire, Sports, Under the Perfect Sun


After having purchased and transformed the San Diego Union Tribune into America’s greatest newspaper in the Finest City in the World’s Best Darn Country, Doug Manchester is at it again. This time he has set his sights on the nation’s pastime and is aiming to put it back on the map for good by bringing an even more super American brand of baseball to the place where happy happens.

Change of course, is not just what will be left in your pocket after the Socialist in Chief leaves the White House, it’s the order of the day at Manchester Park, home of the San Diego Robber Barons. Swap out the statue of Tony Gwyn for one of the Lord Manchester himself and toss the swinging friar down the memory hole and replace him with that plucky little Carl DeMaio who will rove the stands passing out complementary reports on the inefficiency of local government and the scourge of pubic sector unionism.

As for the team, it’s been outsourced with all the players now coming from undisclosed third world nations and being paid at rates comparable to those they would receive in their native lands.

Once they are used up or injured, there goes that temporary visa. So much for overpaid pro athletes! Now that’s a guest worker program we can believe in. And all the balls, bats, and uniforms will be made in one of our sweatshops in the cheapest free trade zone we can find. Be assured that the money we save on labor and production costs will go straight into ALEC, the Reason Foundation, or a mysterious right wing Super PAC. Take me out to the ballgame!

Giveaways for 2013 Announced

Hey, if that wasn’t enough to get you excited, the Barons have announced an innovative series of giveaways and happenings for this year’s season. While the recent rash of injuries may have dampened fan enthusiasm yet again, this year’s line-up of family fun will surely have you cheering.

Highlights include:

Todd Gloria Bobble Head Night: He nods along to whatever moneyed interests say, hoteliers in particular. Isn’t he cute! He’s our kind of Democrat.

Corporate Welfare Appreciation Night: A portion of your ticket price will be donated to a large hotelier to help them advertise, like it or not.

Burn Filner in Effigy Night: And after that you’ll rock out to the sounds of AC/DC with patriotic fireworks.

Reform San Diego Free Atlas Shrugged and Ayn Rand Permanent Tattoo Night: A book AND free ink! Can you say wow?

Northrop Grumman Domestic Predator Drone Appreciation Nights: We kick of this series with “get the thug night” where a public sector unionist will be set loose on the field and forced to run before being taken out by an actual drone right after God Bless America in the seventh inning stretch. Also look out for global hawk/kill the poor night, General Atomics Aeronautical Systems snuff the eco-radical day, and other fun TBA. Rome had nothing on us! All kids under 12 will receive a free miniature bat lovingly carved into the shape of a drone.

ACADEMI Military Industrial Complex Night (Every Night): Fans that our stadium drone cameras detect leaving to pee during the salute to our corporate sponsors will be forced to enlist in the newly privatized armed forces or, better yet, killed by the Robber Barons’ very own predator drone. Make sure that nobody even slouches in your row during a moment of mandatory patriotism as thought crime has many faces.

Get drunk and bankrupt on 30 dollar macrobrews, arrested and pummeled by our private security corps, and sent to the an undisclosed sector of the corporate prison industrial complex to make Carl DeMaio bobble heads for free night: Yeah baby!

As you can see, the fun never stops at Manchester Park, so come on out and feel the magic! All games broadcast on UT TV with Roger Hedgecock doing the play by play.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Frank Gormlie April 1, 2013 at 8:28 am

Look at the date, me hardies! April Fools!


stu April 1, 2013 at 10:14 am

It all sounds like such fun I am looking forward to the patriotic atmosphere of the games


Brian Brady April 3, 2013 at 6:11 pm

This conservative Republican is laughing hard at this. Satire is my favorite art form


Yankee Doodle April 6, 2013 at 4:41 pm

Sounds like a safe place where I can leave my hat on during the opening tune.


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