Category: Satire

The “Real” 2022 State of the City Address

By Mat Wahlstrom

Good evening.

Council President Sean Elo-Rivera and select members of the City Council, City Attorney Mara Elliott, Underboss Jay Goldstone, City of La Mesa Councilmember Colin Parent, and Don Jerry Sanders.

I’d also like to welcome our local and transnational representatives of global capital and our outstanding City of San Diego political appointees from the previous administration.

My fellow San Diegans of means…

This is satire

Roughly nine out of 10 members of the San Diego Police Officers Association who responded to a recent survey say they would rather be fired than fired upon.

733 current officers took the poll, conducted by the Police Officers Association, and 45% responded that they cannot comply with the Department’s requirements that they conduct patrols and risk being killed or wounded by gunfire. And roughly 65% said they would consider resigning from their jobs if the city and the department forced them to go out on patrol.

In fact, they say, 35 San Diego police officers have died in the line of duty since the force was created, and they do not intend to add their names to the hallowed list. The SDPD was first formed in 1889.

By Steve Rodriguez / Times of San Diego / December

I don’t want to talk about the recent election. I’m tired of politics.

It was a long campaign and I’m emotionally worn out from all the debates, and the tweets, and the rallies.

Instead, I want to discuss the past baseball season. I’m sure all of you know the Dodgers won the World Series, but in order to get to the Word Series they first had to beat the San Diego Padres in a playoff series. Sure, if you’re a Dodgers fan, you’re really happy about beating the Padres.

But there’s one thing I want you to know…those games between the Dodgers and the Padres back in October were RIGGED.

This post was written for April 1st.

By Jim Miller

Recently, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez took an unwarranted shot at the heart and soul of American Democracy: the moderates. As NBC news reported, AOC opined that:

“Moderate is not a stance. It’s just an attitude towards life of, like, ‘meh,’” she said, shrugging her shoulders for emphasis. “We’ve become so cynical, that we view ‘meh,’ or ‘eh’ — we view cynicism as an intellectually superior attitude, and we view ambition as youthful naivete when … the greatest things we have ever accomplished as a society have been ambitious acts of visions.

“The ‘meh’ is worshiped now. For what?” she continued to cheers.

What can one say about this impudent snark other than, how dare she?

WARNING: The following article is satire.

By Brett Warnke

October, 2018

Dear Dunc,

May I call you Dunc? I want to be familiar with you. I want to know you. I’ll tell you the straight stuff: I want to be a crook.

As it stands, I’m a greedy teacher. I know! Children, facts, unions, books!

It’s all so frightfully boring, so paperwork-y and tedious. Some of my children are homeless. They live in vans. Sometimes I show them pictures of your sprawling Alpine home just to make them feel bad about not being born rich, like you.

A new Limebike prototype hit Ocean Beach this morning.

A reader of ours talked to the guy dropping them off on Newport Avenue.

He was showing the local the changes made in response to community feedback specific to Ocean Beach.

Editor’s Note: The following is an interview with an Airbnb host.

by Chuck Thassing

I’m sitting down with an Airbnb host to discuss the dollars and sense of short term vacation rentals (STVRs). These have been a hotly debated issue in San Diego, and our 9 city councilmembers are gearing up for a vote on December 12th on how to regulate it. The stories run the gamut from displaced residents and frat parties in residential neighborhoods, to desperately needed supplemental income and other benefits of the “sharing economy”.

Q: So tell us about your rental unit.

A: Last year I converted a little 1 bedroom beach cottage in Ocean Beach into a short term rental and listed it on Airbnb.

By Bell Donic, Staff Writer

South Western Region: The Joint South Western Region City-County Low-No income Housing
Relief Task Force (JSWRCCLNIHRTF) offered guided tours of a pilot program at a location on the west side during their gala event announcing the installations near the green and picturesque foot of Washington Street.

Advocates stressed the ease of installation, and the ease of creating very small group areas, the durability of the units, low cost to the taxpayers, the residents’ improved self-image attained as a result of not sleeping in the bushes somewhere, but, instead, in a sturdy, solid, free space.

By Local One

I attended the Peninsula Community Planning Board meeting last night (Thursday, July 21) and listened intently to the presentations made by Mayor Faulconer’s representative and the head of the Developmental Services Department.

Boy oh boy, what a bunch of packaged lies we were fed last night. The people can see with their own eyes that the community is being snookered with regard to the lack of enforcement, and continuing DSD approval, of numerous violations of the existing MC defined 30 foot coastal height limit.

Speaker after speaker last night quoted directly from the Municipal Code in which the law is absolutely clear with regard to measuring the 30? height, but City representatives from the Mayor’s office and DSD kept insisting that the City Attorney’s office interprets the voter approved Proposition D very differently than any common sense reading of the law.

Further, the Mayor and DSD shut down the Emerson Street project based on a violation of the FAR standards, NOT the obvious violation of the 30 foot coastal height limit.

“We’re here to comfort those who are disturbed and disturb those who are comfortable.”

By Barbara Zaragoza

The Sister’s of Perpetual Indulgence, San Diego Chapter came into existence in April 2005. Fourteen San Diegans went up to Los Angeles and talked to their SPI about starting an order. Thereafter, the San Diego Sisters established their SPI chapter and called it the “Asylum of the Tortured Heart, Inc.,” devoting themselves to outreach for those on the edges.

Eleven years later, the Sisters still use humor and irreverent wit to expose the forces of bigotry and complacency.

* Parrot Shooter Apprehended After Pellet Gun Misfires
* Homeless Hold “People’s Court” and Dish-out Sentences to Thief and Ear Slashers
* FAA Re-Routes Airplane Take-off Routes Over La Jolla and Coronado
* City Crews Decide Torrey Pines Are Not in Danger of Falling – Plan to Plant New Torries

AND MUCH MORE INSIDE…

By Bob Dorn / San Diego Free Press

(Inspired by The Devil’s Dictionary, which Wikipedia says is “a satirical dictionary written by American journalist and author Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in 1906 as The Cynic’s Word Book, it features Bierce’s witty and often ironic spin on many common English words.”)

Three of the definitions here were written by Ambrose Bierce. Can you guess which ones?

A
Apocalyptician Elected, by god.