Satire

OB Rag purchased by Fox News

April 1, 2012 by Dixon Guizot
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OCEAN BEACH –Bankers representing News Corporation announced that its Fox News division had agreed to purchase The OB Rag, a local news website based in San Diego.

“With this acquisition,” News Corp chairman Rupert Murdoch said in a prepared statement, “News Corp silences an increasingly important voice for social justice and expands its local coverage to boot.”

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San Diego Finally Grants Ocean Beach Independence – New Changes Greet the Community

April 1, 2012 by Frank Gormlie
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An ever-present demand of Ocean Beach residents since the mid-1970s has been to be granted “independence” by the City of San Diego. OB tenants, property owners, and businesspeople have been clamoring for the village to be its own city for all these years.

Well, it finally happened behind closed doors on Friday. City officials met and decided once and for all that the sea-side community of about one mile square with roughly 15,000 residents should be its own municipality. The announcement was met with cheers from the Planning Board to the Mainstreet Association, from southern OB where the breakers beat at the cliffs to the northern climes where musicians, ex-hippies, bikers mix it up with students, elderly, sailors and working class families.

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City Council to Announce Plans for Two Homeless Shelters in Point Loma

April 1, 2012 by Jack Hamlin
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Sunset Cliffs and Silvergate Elementary Schools to be Converted to Large Scale Service Communities

The Mayor and members of the San Diego City Council will hold a press conference today at 3:00 p.m. to announce plans for what has been termed, two “Mega Service Centers and Shelters for the Homeless,” to be established in Point Loma. Mayor Jerry Sanders’ office announced the press conference yesterday. When contacted for comment, mayoral spokesman, John Galt, said, “We have had to be a bit secretive, but the plans for the centers have been over two years in the making. We are very excited about how well these particular sites will suit the needs of so many.”

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Nathan Fletcher is a Booger Eating Union Sympathizer with Cooties

April 1, 2012 by Doug Porter
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We’re Not Bitter about the Party Switch, Honest

By Dirty Carl Ryder

Well it is nice we are not talking about hoodies today…… March 28, 2012 was the day Nathan Fletcher ended his political career as an elected official at the young age of 35. He will not win another election ever again.

It’s never pretty to watch a panicking politician, but that’s what we saw with Nathan Fletcher today. You’ve got to wonder about the timing of this announcement. We’re not saying that Nathan Fletcher supports the homosexual agenda, even though he did announce his party switch the day before the ultra left LGBT debate. How about the fact that he was the only Republican assembly member to vote to force gay history in our crumbling schools?

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Flush with cash, Apple unveils plan to shift 700,000 jobs to United States

February 28, 2012 by Dixon Guizot
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CUPERTINO, CALIF. — Giving new meaning to corporate social responsibility, Apple Inc. announced it is “bringing home” more than 700,000 manufacturing jobs currently held by workers in foreign countries.

“As a leading corporate citizen of the United States,” the company said in a press release, “Apple can’t help but feel some sort of responsibility to its fellow Americans. So why not start hiring them?”

Apple plans to spread the employment across ten different U.S. cities, bringing each city an average of 70,000 new jobs, all with full benefits, by the end of 2013.

“We basically just gave our outsourcing team a different task,” Apple’s chief executive Tim Cook told The OB Rag. “Instead of scouring third-world countries to find where workers come cheapest, we surveyed America to find areas where these new jobs would make the most sense.”

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Gasoline Smugglers Caught in Ocean Beach as America’s “Gas War” Rages

February 24, 2012 by Frank Gormlie
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With gas prices over $4 a gallon and Middle East tensions not soon to be abated and with the price of a barrel of oil skyrocketing, the smuggling of gas into the United States is taking on a new priority, law enforcement agents admitted on Thursday on the beach at Ocean Beach.

Twelve gas smugglers were taken into custody in Ocean Beach on Thursday morning at the foot of the OB Pier. Local Pat James caught some of the scene with these photos.

The smugglers had come ashore on a small boat, called a “panga” which had a number of plastic jugs of gas. It was first assumed that this was just an ordinary “illegal alien” bust, but when authorities discovered all the gas jugs, agents had to rewrite their reports.

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Morphing the San Diego Mayoral Candidates

January 10, 2012 by Dixon Guizot
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Hey, local politics geeks, to celebrate this New-Hampshire-primary Tuesday, let’s morph the candidates for mayor of San Diego with the candidates for president of the United States!

Carl DeMaio seems akin to Ron Paul: a conservative outsider with a quirky personality who seems to enjoy rattling cages on both sides of the aisle.

As a candidate, CarlPaul would sport a perpetual disdain for the effectiveness of government, an admittedly eyebrow-raising characteristic for someone seeking more time as a government employee. Because government sometimes is ineffective, and sometimes worse, CarlPaul’s cranky message would carry more than a little truth and earn the support of a diverse range of disenfranchised folks with axes to grind, including many axes of the not-very-sharp variety.

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Memo to OB Rag Staff: New Standards for 2012

January 3, 2012 by Doug Porter
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Memo: To All OB Rag Staff

Re: New Standards for 2012

From: Doug “Bob” Porter

Now that Papa Doug Manchester has raised the standards for reporters over at the Union-Tribune it seems time that the OB Rag responds to this challenge. In our quest to dominate the Dead Tree media by the end of this decade, each and every contributor to this Rag must reach deep down inside and aspire for excellence. The “whatever, man” attitudes of the past couple of years need to be replaced with a will to win, now that we have a worthy competitor.

No longer is our Daily Fishwrap the product of far-away corporate overlords or inbred incompetents. The paper has been acquired by a local “developer”, in keeping with the San Diego tradition of local news media that will go any embarrassing length to espouse “more, bigger and better”. Opportunities like this are gifts for us rabble rousers and we need to appreciate them.

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Video: Road Work Creates Hazardous Ocean Beach Intersection

December 3, 2011 by Brenda McFarlane
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It’s been several weeks since road work on Cable Street in Ocean Beach was either completed or waiting for another phase.

However, on at least one intersection at Narragansett Ave. and Cable St., the road paint has yet to be replaced. This seems to have created a bit of a traffic hazard as hopefully the quick video grab I took yesterday morning shows.

Come inside to see the video…

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Mayor Sanders Presented Special “Golden Pluto” Award by Koch Brothers for His Handling of Occupy Demonstrators

November 23, 2011 by Frank Gormlie
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PALM DESERT, CA. At a special banquet last night held at Rancho Las Palmas – one of Southern California’s most exclusive resorts – San Diego Mayor Jerry Sanders was presented with one of the most coveted awards given out annually by the famous, billionaire Koch brothers.

Mayor Sanders was handed the “Golden Pluto” award by David Koch himself during the lavish banquet feast, which was attended by many big-city mayors, conservative politicians, pundits, and select press from all over the South West.

Sanders earned the sparkling “Golden Pluto” for the manner in which his office handled San Diego’s version of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrators. Early in their occupation of Civic Center Plaza in downtown San Diego, the demonstrators had their tents removed and were ordered upon threat of arrest to get rid of all sleeping bags and personal property.

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Top Secret: Herman Cain’s “Plan of Action and Talking Points”

November 9, 2011 by Mike James
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By Mike James / Special to the OB Rag

Last night I ordered a Godfather Pizza for dinner. Lo and behold stuck to the bottom of the box was the following memo.

Top Secret

Operation He Said She Said.

From the offices of Herman Cain for President:

Plan of Action and Talking Points.

1. Deny, Deny, Deny.

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Underage employee at iPhone sweatshop fired for 10-second pause honoring Steve Jobs

October 6, 2011 by Dixon Guizot
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Xiang Jo — a 14-year-old laborer on an iPhone assembly line in Suzhou, China — just wanted to pay homage to someone whose vision transformed the world.

Jo had no idea the homage would cost him his job.

The trouble started Thursday morning, when word of Steve Jobs’ death spread through the factory where Jo and dozens of other young Chinese use the toxic chemical N-Hexane to clean iPhone touch screens.

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Eight Signs of Republican Extremism: “See something, say something”

August 25, 2011 by Frank Gormlie
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The County of San Diego has just released a video to warn all of us of the “Eight Signs of Terrorism”, in preparation for the tenth anniversary of the Sept 11 attacks, as part of their “See something, say something” campaign. We would like to add to this watch our additional Eight Signs of Republican Extremism.

To report suspicious activity, email the OB Rag at obragblog@gmail.com.

People who do the following might be plotting Republican extremist acts:

* Under the guise and rhetoric of “small government”, order all welfare and other poor people who receive public assistance to submit to monthly drug tests, as clearly the poor use illegal drugs much more than the rest of us….

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Is Darrell Issa a Muslim Terrorist Sympathizer?

June 24, 2011 by Andy Cohen
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As the only member of Congress to have visited Lebanon–a country partially governed by a terrorist organization–and with Lebanese roots and a somewhat sordid past, can Darrell Issa be trusted with a prominent role in the United States Government?

After all, Issa is one of a handful of members of Congress that is of Arab descent: He is Lebanese and claims to be a Christian, but how do we know for sure? We can only take his word for it…. Darrell Issa is the only member of Congress to have visited the turmoil ridden Lebanon.

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From Arnold and Weiner to LSD: more OB Rag fun with fine art

June 18, 2011 by Dixon Guizot
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Following up on our first foray into the wonders of Google Art Project, we once again stroll a gallery of classic paintings, their names re-imagined by The OB Rag:                    

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Time to Regulate All Those Antique Stores

June 17, 2011 by Jack Hamlin
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By Jack Hamlin/ Special to the OB Rag

With the proliferation of Antique Stores in the Ocean Beach business district and in the greater San Diego area, I believe it is high time the City Council formed a task force to create regulations for these types of businesses. After all, they are popping up all over and as a homegrown problem the police need tools to oversee the manner in which these places do business.

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The OB Rag “Rapture” Survival Guide

May 20, 2011 by Dixon Guizot
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As you’ve probably heard, a small group of Christians has somehow drawn a large amount of attention to their claim that the Judgment Day foretold in the Bible is happening this Saturday — tomorrow, May 21st.

Now, if the 21st turns out to be just another Saturday across America, it wouldn’t be the first time God failed to follow through with his end of the End Times. In fact, the 100% winless record of previous predictors of the Apocalypse suggest God is not above letting the faithful make fools of themselves.

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NORAD to Track The Rapture

May 18, 2011 by Source
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The North American Aerospace Defense Command has today announced it’s intention to track the Rapture, as a curtain raiser to tracking the End of the World.

Commencing at 6pm on Saturday the 21st May, NORAD will use it’s highly acclaimed “SantaTracker” network of satellites and webcams to follow the Rapture from it’s beginning in Fiji and New Zealand and on, through the Far East, Asia, Europe and finally to the United States of America.

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Browsing Fine Art Collections and Finding Ocean Beach

March 15, 2011 by Dixon Guizot
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If you haven’t checked out Google Art Project yet, you’re in for a treat. The site uses a technology similar to “street view” to enable virtual strolls through the halls and rooms of 17 famous art museums, from London’s National Gallery to Madrid’s Museo Reina Sofia to New York’s MoMA. Recently, while using Art Project […]

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“Lots of Iraqi kids up here” says Christina-Taylor Green in email from Heaven

February 3, 2011 by Dixon Guizot
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In an email recently reviewed by The OB Rag, nine-year-old Tucson shooting victim Christina-Taylor Green confirmed that she is in Heaven and described life on the other side of the Pearly Gates. “I’ve been learning lots of games from the Middle East, because there’s lots of Iraqi kids up here,” Green wrote. “They’re everywhere in […]

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Top Ten New Locations for Walmart in San Diego

January 29, 2011 by Doug Porter
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For those of you who haven’t been following the news, the mighty Wal-Mart Corporation has bought themselves some City Council members and a Mayor with promises of a dozen new locations throughout San Diego in the next five years. Now this is the same company that a decade ago promised a bunch of new Supercenters […]

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Republican National Committee staffers flustered by strange requests from new chairman Reince Priebus

January 20, 2011 by Dixon Guizot
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Editor: Here’s the latest from our chief satirist Shane Finneran and his ongoing research into the strange doings of Republican politicians.

Employees at RNC headquarters expressed bewilderment after receiving an expansive, 286-page document outlining the needs and demands of incoming Chairman Reince Priebus.

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Newly Formed PAC for Poor People Lobbies San Diego Politicians

January 7, 2011 by Dixon Guizot
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“For too long, poor people haven’t had a seat at the table in American politics,” said Newt Gingrich. “Now, thanks to their new political action committee, the voices of the poor will be heard.”

Newt Gingrich

Gingrich was speaking in his new capacity as executive director of Poor People of America, a recently formed PAC that visited San Diego to lobby local politicians. Gingrich said the group will be focused on advancing the interests of the nation’s poor and has already raised “a substantial amount of revenue.”

“It’s true that each individual poor person doesn’t have that much money to donate,” Gingrich said. “The thing is we have 47 million Americans living in poverty today, so even tiny little donations add up.”

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Mayor Sanders says San Diego should subsidize stadium by selling sun

January 1, 2011 by Dixon Guizot
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“When people think of San Diego, they think of sunshine,” said San Diego Mayor Jerry Sanders. “I’m here to tell you we can make money off that.”

At a press conference held in his City Hall office, Sanders said the city could raise “a substantial amount of cash” through a “sale-leaseback” arrangement focused on the sun.

Under Sanders’ proposal, San Diego would receive a large, lump-sum payment for its sunshine rights. A year later, the city would begin paying a daily sunshine royalty — but only on days when the sun comes out.

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OB Rag Exclusive: New Wikileaks release details CIA surveillance of Ocean Beach

December 23, 2010 by Dixon Guizot
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The ongoing drama surrounding leaked diplomatic cables came to Ocean Beach today when the Wikileaks organization released a report from an American intelligence agent sent to OB to investigate “possible revolutionary sentiment.” The report, which the unidentified agent submitted to CIA higher-ups in mid-2010, seemed to downplay reports of a secessionist movement in the area. […]

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Ask an OB Convert: To Be OB, to Tree or not to Tree

December 19, 2010 by OB Convert
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Need help developing your  OB attitude?  Just ask OB Convert in a new column to spark discussion on what it means “To Be OB”. Readers, send your questions to us at OBRagBlog@gmail.com Dear OB Convert: I just moved to OB and I love it here.  I want to know if buying a real tree that […]

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Our country can’t afford to tax the rich

December 17, 2010 by Dixon Guizot
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Originally appeared in the Dec. 14 issue of City Times, the campus newspaper of San Diego City College. Admittedly, the USA needs money to help pay for vital American programs such as Medicare and foreign occupations. But the push by some Democrats to let tax cuts expire for America’s highest earners is too much audacity, […]

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Ocean Beach vs North Park: A migrant’s observations

December 15, 2010 by Dixon Guizot
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In early 2010, my wife and I packed up our Brighton Street apartment — all 450 square feet — and moved from Ocean Beach to North Park. We were drawn by the lures of a bigger place and a new neighborhood experience, and after about a year on the other side (of Interstate 5), North […]

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Hey, Obama, here’s some stuff we can cut in San Diego

December 7, 2010 by Dixon Guizot
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As everyone knows, President Obama is a gifted orator who has voiced several rousing, meaningless, and unmemorable riffs on abstract concepts like hope and change. But he’s never been as inspiring as he was yesterday, when he told the nation how we won’t be raising taxes on our super-rich. To hear the president, in a […]

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Halloween Scare: Meg Whitman came to OB – not to buy a surfboard but – to buy the community.

October 31, 2010 by Frank Gormlie
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During Meg Whitman’s Halloween visit to San Diego today – Sunday, October 31st – we have learned that she will push her offer to actually buy the community of Ocean Beach to local leaders.

During Whitman’s visit to Ocean Beach earlier in the week, much was made of her stop at a local OB surf shop to buy a surfboard and telephone the governor of Texas over a wager involving the World’s Series. Whitman was supposedly wagering the surfboard for a pair of Texan boots over the victor of the baseball games. But this was just the spin of why she really was here.

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