Team Gloria Wants to Set Up Warehouse and Parking Lot for Ground Squirrels Who Have Overrun Liberty Station (Satire)

It’s no secret that ground squirrels have overrun the grounds at Liberty Station. The growing population of ground squirrels have been seen running around and also taking over the San Diego waterfront over the last few weeks.

A spokesperson for the city’s Parks and Recreation Department said staff are keeping “an eye on all areas of Liberty Station park space that fall under the City of San Diego’s jurisdiction” for population growth of the ground squirrels.

Yet, Mayor Gloria’s team — with an eye on the upcoming election — has recommended that the squirrels be trapped and placed in a warehouse near the airport. Rachel Laing, Gloria’s PR person, claims a 1,000 squirrels could be housed in a warehouse Team Gloria has identified near freeways and away from residential areas.

They can be fed and cleaned and have access to other Humane Society services at the warehouse.

Team Gloria has also identified a parking lot near the airport where the squirrels could hang out, sleep, rest, rear young, store food and avoid danger — something that was increasingly prevalent throughout the waterfront park.

According to a Gloria spokesperson, staff are on the ground regularly at Liberty Station conducting maintenance activities through a new program — which “focuses on the long-term management of the equilibrium in our environment,” uses myriad techniques like education, habitat modification and the eradication of any tents the squirrels have set up, especially, if population numbers require it.

The Parks and Recreation Department also has a certified vendor who identifies areas of overpopulation and performs “necessary abatement services as needed,” according to the city, especially in areas where tents are set up on fragile ground that could cause destabilization and erosion and frighten the human population.

Some say squirrels have always been quite active across San Diego, including in Liberty Station and the recent increase in their activity is just due to the mating season.

The Human Society advises people to just coexist with the squirrels. The only circumstances where the nonprofit suggests interacting with the critters is if a baby appears to have been abandoned or if an adult squirrel is sick or injured.

Yet, the warehouse idea and the parking lot plan have been met with a tsunami of opposition from the local population of gophers who complain the squirrels are getting all the attention and nobody is listening to their concerns. One of the gophers’ main complaints is that humans like squirrels more than gophers because they’re cuter. Because of this, warehousing squirrels will ruin the local gopher mound villages as it gives them an advantage. Plus they’re afraid that baby gophers will become frightened by the squirrels if they’re all massed together in that airport parking lot.

Now, these are all headaches Team Gloria has to contend with. They feel they’re just trying to do their job but the gophers are preventing them from coming up with solutions to all the squirrels’ problems.

On top of all this, local groundhogs are just now starting to complain themselves and threaten to withhold their votes from Gloria if he continues in this direction of favoring squirrels.