Psst: Don’t call it Cali.
By Laura Beck / Cosmopolitan
Yes, the rules are a little different based on your exact location — California is a large and varied state — but these are some things that are true for all of us.
1. We don’t get seasonal moodiness. Because there are no seasons! Want to hit the beach in October? Great! That’s the perfect time to do it in San Francisco! (Just don’t forget a jacket, mittens, a scarf, and your wooliest hat.) (And maybe some rain boots, depending on the fog situation.)
2. Like, all the songs are written about us. All of them. Whether you’re Katy Perry, Too Short, or the Beach Boys, you’ve probably got a boner for a girl from California.
3. We’re fairly earnest. This is one of those stereotypes that’s almost unfailingly true. We’re an entire state of Kimmy Schmidts in a world filled with sadsack frowny faces. When I moved from California to NYC for college, the coffee cart guy told me to “go away” after I said, “Have a nice day!” Not to be deterred, that same day I said, “Hi!” to a woman in Washington Square Park and she responded with, “What do you want?” And I simply replied “to wish you a great day!” because I’m from California and that’s what we do.
4. We love burritos and will eat them for every meal if given the chance. Burritos are our mothers, brothers, sisters, and best friends, and this goes for everywhere in California, whether it’s in San Francisco’s Mission District or Los Angeles’s Echo Park. Oh, and in San Diego, they put French fries in them. Yes, French fries. Burritos should be roughly the size of a newborn human baby and be so heavy you need both hands to pick it up. I’m literally salivating while typing this.
5. We’re hella cool. And if you give us shit for using the word hella, we’re gonna hella walk right out of your life. Or something less drastic; just don’t make fun of us for it because that’s tired and you’re better than that.
6. We aren’t high-maintenance. We can go from bed to beach in 10 minutes flat, even if that beach is Ocean Beach in San Francisco and we’re wearing a Thinsulate coat and have tiny heating pads in our mittens.
7. Flip-flops are our national shoe. I own 12 pairs of flip-flips and each pair is essential to my life. True story: When I started school in NYC, I tried to wear flip-flops in the snow. I learned my lesson the hard way.
8. We, like, don’t care about celebrities at all.
And I’m talking movie stars and tech stars. After all, we’ve probably already dated that dude or know someone who did and he’s not all that, nor is he a bag of chips.
9. We’re amazing drivers. Because we drive pretty much every freaking where, you can count on us to man the wheel in a high-speed car chase and get us (and the millions of dollars you just stole) home safely.
10. AVOCADOS. We’re obsessed with them because ours are delicious — rich and smooth and with the consistency of a good cream — and we will put them on (and in!) everything. Did you know that you can make chocolate pudding with avocados? You can and it will change your life. I do not say this lightly; avocados are serious business.
11. We’ll take you to In-N-Out.
Two things: The fries will change your life and you’re welcome.
12. We will complain when it rains. What do you call cold dark magic falling on my head? Rain? Am I saying that right? I don’t like it. Make it go away. (P.S. JK, we are in a terrible drought and need that rain very badly. Rain, come back. We love you even though we don’t understand you.)
13. We own more bathing suits than is necessary or healthy. You might buy a bikini for vacation but we buy them because it’s Tuesday and we can wear it as a top. (Our company’s dress code is “so freaking casual you have no idea”)
14. We’ve done a juice cleanse. Don’t judge until you feel the magic of green juice coursing through your veins! Life is for the living!
15. Northern California hates Southern California but Southern California DGAF about Northern California and actually thinks it’s rather lovely. Here’s how it is: Southern California is like, “OMG, I LOVE Frisco!” and Northern California is like, “Don’t call it Frisco, you idiot with a boob job.” It just is what it is.
16. We’re not all blonde. California is actually pretty diverse when it comes to the ladies and it’s getting more diverse by the day. Which is awesome because it means our unique brand of kickass comes in every gorgeous shade. Again, you’re welcome.
17. We didn’t all go to class on the beach. Lots of Californians don’t live on the coast and for those of us in chiller climates, beach learning is not ideal. (Although my boyfriend is from San Diego and his high school did offer surfing lessons as a class, so it’s not entirely untrue.)
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Hope this article is under the satire section.
Number 6 is FAIL. No mention of makeup or hair or nails and how long that all takes.
Number 15 is half wrong. I grew up in the Bay Area (25+ years), Frisco or The City is what we always called SF. It’s the hight and mighty that live in SF that have an issue with “Frisco”. It is true that NorCal people despise SoCal folks, but the hate is towards LA. Most folks I know in the Bay love SD, hate LA.
Well, check for yourself, the “satire” box had been checked.
I concur, I’m from the Bay and we only hate LA.
People in San Diego are terrible drivers, the worst I’ve ever been around…. but most aren’t from here so it makes it tough to judge.
Really, a Cosmopolitan repost?!? Hey Editordude, it’s April 3 – you’re a little late…
Thought it was hilarious, plus some biting commentary.
Thanks Frank for the diverse range of features in the Rag :) flip flops and juice cleanse true, true :)
Hello Source!
You are so, like , On, and Hilarious, and these dumbass old Guys who are commenting on your article are admiring their feminine mystique and wannabe califgirl….it’s okay to say Cali, but I say Calif…. No Cal/So Cal? A match made in Heaven, of course…
Fun, fresh, like juice… Thanks for pressing us…