Ocean Beach and Point Loma News – April First, 2022

by on April 1, 2022 · 13 comments

in Ocean Beach, Satire

Rents Fall As 1000s of Former Vacation Rentals Return to the Market

With San Diego’s new short-term vacation rental policy going into effect, local rents have dramatically fallen as thousands of former vacation rentals have returned to the market. The number of “For Rent” signs have significantly jumped across the beach communities, particularly in Ocean Beach. There is one report of a landlord standing at an intersection with a large sign that said, “I Have a Great Place for Rent” followed by his phone number. There is such a demand for renters, that rental agencies and many homeowners have dropped their strict credit requirements and background checks.

SurfRider Cancels “Paddle Out for Clean Water” as Ocean Quality Improves

The Point Loma chapter of SurfRider has just announced it is cancelling its “Paddle Out” scheduled for next month as Scripps Institute of Oceanography recently released a report stating local ocean waters have drastically improved in quality. Dr. Seinfeld stated to the local press, “I’ve never seen such a change – for the good – in all my years here at SIO.” Then she commented, “Maybe all those years of trying to get clean water has worked.”

Local Store Closes, Space Opens for Street Vendors

A large, local store on Newport Avenue that mainly catered to tourists has just closed as owners reported a huge drop in beach towel sales. But the good news is that the store owners at the former theater site have made an amazing arrangement with the property owner. Under the kind guidance of the OB Mainstreet Association, the space has been opened up exclusively for street vendors, who are charged a low, minimum fee based on their sales. In fact, dozens of vendors have already moved inside. A number seemed delighted with their new digs. And in another amazing development, not a single vendor was seen at lower Newport on Farmers Market day.

City Apologizes: Point Loma Palm Trees Are Safe, Forester Fired

The City of San Diego has sent out apology letters to dozens of occupants and homeowners along upper Newport Avenue and nearby streets admitting that they were wrong about the height of the historic palm trees interfering with airport regulations. The palm trees are safe and will no longer be threatened, the city letter stated, signed by Mayor Gloria and Councilmember Campbell. It was all a big misunderstanding and failure of communication, it said. At the end of the letter, it mentioned that the city forester involved in the controversy had been fired.

OB Library Re-Opens Ahead of Schedule

The Ocean Beach branch of the city library system will re-open ahead of schedule, which had been June 30, the end of the fiscal year, an assistant to the director told the OB Rag. There had been so much pushback by local citizens that the OB library was entering its 3rd year of being closed, that the library managers scrambled, recalled a former popular OB branch librarian and filled other empty staff positions so it could open by the middle of April 2022.

Midway Developer Team Picked – Promises 100% Affordable Housing and Expansive Parks

One of the last half-dozen or so redevelopment teams vying for the Midway-Sports Arena area project has been chosen by the city. The last minute entry by the team, called “No Profit – Housing for the People,” was selected because their plan calls for 100% affordable housing and wide-open, expansive parks within the 48-acres owned by the city. The team, totally locally based, runs on a “no-profit” model and has pledged to abide by project labor agreements and to hire only local workers.

THC Prevents Latest Covid Variant

A new study by UCSD just released states that after extensive research, they have discovered that THC, the active ingredient in cannabis, actually prevents infection by the latest Covid variant making its way across the globe and the US. Due to a complicated reaction by the THC molecules from any alien viruses, the THC attaches itself to the virus and changes its DNA to an extent that it no longer causes infection and illness and is flushed away by the body’s natural processes. The research also found that the infection rate of Ocean Beach residents was the lowest in town.

Funds and Assistance Pledged to OB Planning Board

In a remarkable development, the city has made a 180 degree turnabout and is now providing funds and staff assistance to the Ocean Beach Planning Board. The same is true for the other 41 planning boards across the city. The new planning director announced the policy change after the city council shelved the efforts by one councilmember to gut the volunteer planning groups, practically dismembering them. So far, the fund amounts are undisclosed but staff has been promised to assist planning board members. “Staff assigned to planning groups will be totally neutral,” the new director stated, “and they most definitely will not be voices for the developer in the approval process.”

Mayor Gloria told the press after the council decision that he had an epiphany the other night. “I now see community planning groups as invaluable resources and a needed step in the project development process.” Gloria added, “Sure they have their problems, but nothing we can’t solve. Planning groups on the local level,” he said, “are the bedrock of American democracy.”

Local Homeless Disappear – Into Local Housing

Hundreds of local houseless people have “disappeared” from OB streets, alleys, and freeway underpasses. Due to an innovative new program where homeowners can receive up to $3,000 a month to rent a vacate room to a homeless person, many homeless people who used to live on the street, are now peopling homes across Point Loma and OB. Hundreds of homeowners, some struggling with their mortgage or retirement savings, signed up – and hundreds of formerly homeless folks now have their own rooms and roofs over their heads. Of course, there is a vetting process – at both ends – but so far, reports have been favorable that the new program can greatly reduce the number of American citizens living outdoors.

Beach Clean-Up Coming, Hosted by AirBnb and Tourist Agencies

Next weekend, a beach and neighborhood clean-up for Ocean Beach has been organized by Airbnb and tourist agencies. Cleaning supplies will be available for volunteers and homeless people who are involved receive $3 a bag. Hodads is promising free burgers for all participants. Tourist and travel agencies, homeshare companies and rental companies have also promised that out-of-town visitors will receive a reduction in fees with proof of participation in the clean-up.

“Terriers” to Return to OB

The popular “Terriers” television show filmed in OB about a decade ago, will be returning to the beach community this coming spring. Initially not popular with studios and not popular with some viewers due to its name, the show has had a following that won’t back down. And now, producers have just announced they will begin filming in late May. They have also said they will hire hundreds of locals as extras and minor characters.


{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Debbie April 1, 2022 at 11:35 am

You…. funny Frankie!!!!!


Frank Gormlie April 1, 2022 at 11:45 am

Every year I do this and it’s the most fun I have in posting.


TD April 1, 2022 at 11:49 am

Well played Frank.

My optimism and wishful thinking got the best of me until mention of the planning board support. Oh how I wish all of these were fact.


Frank Gormlie April 1, 2022 at 11:51 am

TD – that was actually funny, your comment.


Frank Gormlie April 1, 2022 at 11:55 am

Whoops! I had already posted this when I read that Surfrider is actually hosting a clean-up at the beach this weekend. Their event is STILL ON, dear reader.


Geoff Page April 1, 2022 at 5:15 pm

Well you fooled me, well done Frank.


Tracy Van De Walker April 1, 2022 at 6:36 pm

I had the part about the palm trees sent to me, as I’m the one who started the whole process. I thought, that’s great, but it’s news to me, where’s our letter? I almost called up Geoff Page to ask him. You had my husband and I going!


sealintheselkirks April 1, 2022 at 7:27 pm

Your memory must be slipping, Frank, because you forgot to mention the funding voted by city, county, state, and federal agencies earmarked for the Pier Replacement. Along with the massive donations by a surprising number of very wealthy local individuals who collectively decided they really don’t need that new Lear Jet or the latest Bentley and another vacation home in some exotic locale, and would be better spent on something that so many people have enjoyed all these years in the city they live in.

And don’t forget that all funding has been put into the special trust fund solely dedicated to the complete removal and replacement of the Pier by the most modern building techniques available.

The OB Pier Trust Fund has now blown completely past the original intended funding goals. And all those millions in private donations came without having to change the name to appease some narcissist’s overblown ego.

If you’re gonna dream big…



Tracy Van De Walker April 2, 2022 at 1:13 am

To: sealintheselkirks
Obviously you forget how often our taxpayers’ moneys are misrepresented. Oh how often does this happen? If it was solely on the city, OB wouldn’t have a pier.


sealintheselkirks April 2, 2022 at 12:13 pm

Tracy, I didn’t realize I needed a snark tag for an April Fool’s Day comment on an April Fool’s Day editor-dude snark posting…. Did you not get the sad joke of the article??

Biden has just proposed a $31,000,000,000 (that’s $31 BILLIONS) increase added to next year’s total military budget after this year’s ridiculous increases…but of course not including more nuclear weaponry ‘upgrades’ (as if they aren’t already planet-killing enough?) which are under the ‘Energy Dept.’ budget.

I’m sure the GOP will say it isn’t enough like usual…

Tracy, this isn’t even taxpayer monies anymore. It’s pretend money, invented out of thin air, credit debt, and all it will do is just increase the total federal debt that will never be paid off no matter how deep the ax of continued imposition of ‘Austerity’ financial measures for societal spending (you know, the needs of the citizens not the wealthy?) cuts to the bone. So why not use some of this pretend magic money and put it towards stuff for people instead of more corporate war machine profits?

Personally I think a new pier is a great idea but then I’ll admit that I have a strong emotional attachment as a Southside local surfer with so many good days in my memories…



Tracy Van De Walker April 2, 2022 at 11:59 pm

I get it..Sorry for not reading into it correctly! Did you have to bring politics into it??


sealintheselkirks April 3, 2022 at 11:37 am

Glad I was clear enough for better understanding.

As for politics, isn’t that what the entire editor-dude’s irony-snarky 4/1 post was about, the politics that govern San Diego? It seems to me that politics is threaded throughout our species known history but if one avoids thinking or talking about it because it becomes tiring or uncomfortable, one cannot truly get much of a grasp on what we see happening around us or the why of it all. Politics obviously defines us.

It would have been nice to have found a better way to manage our lives…but emotionally-based politics (greed, avarice, prejudice, ego) seems endemic in all human societies we know of. Big sigh!



stu April 4, 2022 at 9:42 pm

Love it All that will come to be in a future perfect world


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