by Edwin Decker
Dear SWAT, I was on a date with a woman I recently began seeing named, “Sue.” We had gone to see a play and after the show, went to a nearby bar for a nightcap where it turned out the cast also went. At one point, one of the actors approached the stool beside us and ordered a beer.
While he was waiting, I told him how much I enjoyed his performance and offered to buy his drink. He said yes . . . and immediately directed his attention to Sue. It was loud and his back was to me so I couldn’t hear them but when he left, Sue told me he was hitting on her.
I was shocked. She and I had been touchy feely in his presence, so he knew we were together. After about 30 minutes, he came back and put the moves on again. I was infuriated and humiliated and couldn’t decide what to do. I won’t say yet how I eventually reacted because I first want to hear what you would have done. After you respond, I’ll tell you what I did. I’m just curious to see if we’re on the same page.
Sincerely,
Musheerah from National City
Dear Musheerah, Sure, I’ll play along. As I see it, there are only three ways to deal with a Narcissistic Asshole Date Stealer (NADS):
1. Do Nothing
2. Say Something
3. Punch Him So Hard All His Houseplants Will Die
Given that I am opposed to any violence that is not defensive in nature, option three is off the table. Innocent house plants should not have to suffer for the douchebaggish actions of their owner.
That leaves options one and two: Do Nothing or Say Something. With all things being equal, I favor the Do Nothing approach. It seems to me that doing something in these situations is often about ego. Because most women – and ladies, correct me if I’m wrong – have a ton of experience warding off uncontrollably horny mound-hounds and don’t need your help. They’re like Wonder Women fending off the Bullets of Testosterone with their bracelets of Buzz Off Bozo. That said, not every female is a Wonder Woman. If she signals for intervention, then by all means confront him; not with violence, but with acerbic wit accompanied by a glare so steely, it would make a Death Metal Biker Felon faint.
However, if she doesn’t signal for assistance, stand down. Not only because one should avoid letting ego dictate his or her actions, but also because getting up in the NADS’s grill might signal that you don’t trust her. Ultimately, this isn’t about you. This is about your confidence in how she feels about you. This is about whether you trust her enough to brush him off. And if you don’t, then why the Christ on a crouton are you even with her?
On the other hand, there is a part of me that thinks NADS’s need confronting. They need to be humiliated. They need to be shown that they don’t get to scuttle around the world hitting on our dates like cockroaches crawling on a burrito we’re still eating. Not to mention, when alcohol is involved (as was your case) I might ignore my Do Nothing ethos, put my chin within millimeters of his chin and say something like, “If you were any more of a turd you’d be stuck to the curly hairs dangling from R. Kelly’s rectum.”
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Oh Ed, it’s easy put your chin within millimeters of a stage actor’s chin because stage actors are wimps. And you’re right, Invisible Reader Talking to Me In My Mind. If he were, say, a Death Metal Biker Knifer with a dozen skulls tattooed on his neck for every hipster he stabbed, there is no chance I would put my chin anywhere near his chin. If that dude was hitting on my girlfriend, wife or mother even, I would humbly direct my stare down at his Doc Martins and say, “Have fun kids, you’ll make a great couple.” But that’s only because I have an allergy to stab wounds. I have no such fear of wimpy-ass stage actors.
Anyway, I’ve shilly-shallied long enough. My final answer is Do Nothing because, even though it’s possible that after a few pops of tequila I might have Said Something, I would feel bad about it afterward. That’s what I would have done, Musheerah. What about you?
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Before publishing, I sent this to Musheerah. Here’s what he wrote back.
Dear Ed,
I did something. I threatened to kick his ass if he didn’t leave. He got in my face so I shoved him and the bouncer jumped in and separated us. Apparently the guy was a regular so it was me that got kicked out. “Sue” was angry and we never went out again but I have no regrets. If it was all about my ego, then so be it because after I confronted him, I didn’t feel like a chump anymore. Thanks for the input though, I’ll keep it in mind for next time.
_____________
Edwin Decker (of Ocean Beach) is not a licensed therapist or psychologist. In fact, his only qualification is the 25-plus years as a bartender listening to the liver-aching of desperados and dipsomaniacs. Heed his advice at your peril.
Send questions to ed@edwindecker.com
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Smart Girl Ditches Violent Date. It takes two NADS to tangle.
Edwin, where does “Swat” as in “Dear Swat” come from?
S-traight-up
W-ith
A
T-wist
He who lets an interloper wedge in between himself and his date is an unworthy puss boy.
How old are these people?
On the first hit Sue should have set the dude straight or said give me your phone number and if things don’t work out with Musheerah I will call you. They are both better off without each other.
Always enjoy your postings…keep them coming.
The correct way to handle this is as follows.
1) When someone inserts themselves between you and your date, wait for a minute or two so that you don’t seem desperate or threatened by either your date or the interloper. Then,
2) Walk around next to both of them, introduce yourself to the interloper and then introduce your date to the interloper as YOUR DATE. You may have a brief conversation with the interloper, and perhaps who knows, this person may be friendly or a regular. But if you really want to end the conversation, at that point
3) You turn to your date and ask if you can get her anything, or if you’d like to play pool, go somewhere else, hey lets go hang outside for a bit, etc. Lots of options here to lightly suggest you and your date leave the situation.
Telling the guy to buzz off or you’ll kick his ass never works. Nor does doing nothing.
Also, waiting for a bit before inserting yourself in the conversation shows your date that you have the confidence to let her handle the situation, and she may very well do that on her own. Jumping in quickly may backfire, as your date may well be on the way to telling the dude to buzz off.
After you have inserted yourself in the conversation pleasantly and the guy doesn’t leave or end the conversation, then it’s up to you to offer your date an “out”, which is why you ask her if she wants to do/go somewhere else. If she doesn’t take you up on the offer, it’s an indication she doesn’t really know how to act in this situation and is now being inconsiderate of YOU as your date, which indicates trouble down the road.
But you won’t know this until you actually have a conversation with the interloper to see just what he is up to, and often it is something purely innocent. The fact that he had his back to you belies that, but it’s not out of the question, especially when alcohol is involved.
Inserting yourself politely will be viewed by your date as you being someone who cares, but that you gave her time to handle the situation, and can handle complex social situations. And she will be impressed.
This is how to handle this situation. Doing nothing will look bad in your date’s eyes, but so will jumping right in.