New Laws from the Republicans’ Alternate Dimension: Obama Forbidden to Mention Climate Change

by on December 16, 2015 · 0 comments

in American Empire, Civil Rights, Culture, Economy, Environment, History, Politics

More Greenhouse Gas, Subsidies for Gun Shops, and a Presidential Dress Code

smoke stacksBy John Lawrence

In addition to repealing Obamacare for the 457th time, Congress has been busy with a new agenda. HR 4031 will officially make it illegal for President Obama to attend any more climate change conferences. In fact, he won’t even be allowed to mention climate change in his upcoming State of the Union (SOTU) speech.

As part of the Fossil Fuel Enhancement Act of 2015, Governor Jerry Brown of California will be forced to abandon his plan to decrease greenhouse gas emissions. Instead, he has been ordered to increase greenhouse gas emissions and to give subsidies to automobile manufacturers as long as they don’t convert to electric engines.

As part of the Act, subsidies have been increased to ExxonMobil by $5 billion to further encourage them in the fine work they’re doing promoting and selling fossil fuels.

The Fossil Fuel Enhancement Act of 2015 would ensure that fossil fuels will always be used to generate electricity in the US. The Act specifically forbids any state or other jurisdiction from installing any solar or wind farm apparatus and mandates that any so installed at the present time shall be dismantled. Senators and Congressmen, when asked for a comment, chimed in together that we can’t afford to have the American oil industry taken down by a bunch of environmentalists because that would entail losing so many jobs that we would never recover. Also Wall Street, which has invested heavily in fossil fuels, said that without them they might require another bailout.

In short, it is not worth the threat to our economy to proceed down the line of eliminating the production of energy with fossil fuels. Fossil fuel generating plants are the most reliable and dependable facilities when it comes to providing the American economy with the energy it needs to keep it humming. They keep going even when the wind doesn’t blow and the sun doesn’t shine. So there.

Mass Transit a Socialist Plot?

communist_partyCongress has reduced monies for mass transportation as a socialist plot to take away our individuality as expressed in our cars. The American way of life is predicated on the internal combustion engine, and cars are an indispensable part of the American lifestyle. They express our individuality and freedom. The open road beckons – not the transit station. That’s the European socialist way of life, and we don’t want no part of it.

What would America be without NASCAR and drag racing which are a testament to the glory of the internal combustion engine? How could we be Ford Tough with an electric engine powering our pickups? Or how could a pickup with an electric motor be built Like a Rock. Only an internal combustion engine can give you that thrill of excitement as you accelerate from 0 to 60 or pull an excruciatingly heavy load through mud, ice and snow? We want to discover the Guts & Glory of what makes Ram Trucks so tough. We want tough pickups with internal combustion engines, not those namby-pamby electric cars.

Mass Murders are as American as Apple Pie

man cardIn acknowledgment of the fact that there is more than one mass murder a day in the US, Congress will soon pass a bill regulating mass murders and gun control in the US. With regard to mass murders, the official response will be “thoughts and prayers” only if tomorrow’s mass murder involves more than 7 killed. Less than seven and there will be no official response whatsoever. That’s the new normal.

Regarding gun control: after every mass murder, a subsidy will be given to gun shops so they can increase advertising and give discounts to all those who will increase the demand for firearms just in case their Second Amendment rights might be taken away. The idea is that every man, woman and child in America should possess at least one gun and hopefully many more. It is suggested by the gun lobby that one room in every house be devoted to the storing of armaments and that every home have at least one rocket launcher and several grenades. That room should always be locked securely so that toddlers cannot gain access and shoot grandma.

Since terrorists are using cookbooks found on the internet to construct pipe bombs and other remote controlled devices, in order to combat this insidious development, the government will issue free of charge the appropriate literature that will allow every American family to construct their own pipe bombs and remote-controlled devices on the grounds that the best defense against terrorists is a good offense in which every red blooded American plays a part.

Let’s face it: we’re all part of a well-regulated militia so let’s get regulated! A well-armed constituency will take out any would-be terrorist before they can even think about perpetrating a heinous act. We need to fight fire with fire.

Donald Trump tweeted that every time there’s a mass murder his poll numbers go up. He has put a new plank in his platform that, if he’s elected President, more, not fewer, gun show loopholes will be opened up so that we can all exercise our Second Amendment rights without any noisy interference from the Federal Gubment.

In addition to Trump’s sanguine assessment of mass murders, manufacturers of firearms have told Wall Street and billionaire investors that mass murders are good for business:

Behind closed doors, makers and sellers of firearms in the U.S. have told investors and Wall Street analysts that mass shootings are opportunities to make lots of money.

How does this happen? “Following a mass shooting, there is talk of gun control, which the National Rifle Association and other gun advocates attack as an assault on the Second Amendment,” writes Lee Fang at The Intercept. “Notably, gun and ammunition manufacturers often donate, either directly or as a portion of each sale, to the NRA. The fear of losing gun rights leads to panic buying, which brings greater profits to gun retailers, gun companies and their investors.”

So the sale of guns and ammo is a profit center essential to increasing GDP and supporting the capitalist way of life.

In other news, all those on the ‘no fly’ list will be encouraged to buy more guns just in case a Democratic Congress far in the future might close the loophole and prevent those ‘no flyers’ from owning guns.

Labeling GMOs Would Just Confuse People

fingersCongress has also taken up the GMO issue. The Safe and Accurate Food Labeling Act will prevent all states, cities, counties, and other jurisdictions from passing any law resulting in the labeling of GMOs. It is thought that this will increase GDP because people will stop growing their own vegetables and raising their own chickens or even bartering for produce with local farmers.

Let’s make every transaction a cash transaction because that’s the only kind that adds to GDP. If you raise your own chickens instead of buying them at the supermarket, GDP will go down and this could drive the economy into recession. So by all means buy, buy, buy. This will expedite commerce and make sure large agribusinesses will be able to keep their share values up. Labeling GMOs as such would result in a downgrading by financial analysts with a resulting drop in stock prices.

Price Gouging is as American as Apple Pie

pharma-douche-640x400Congress has also given much thought to the issue of prescription drug prices which are skyrocketing. They have passed another bill which will make it much harder for generics to compete with patented prescription drugs and to increase the time limit for which patents are in effect from 20 to 50 years.

At the same time, they have forbidden any governmental agency from informing the public when a cheaper version of a patented drug is available. It also prohibits the Department of Veteran Affairs, which heretofore could negotiate for lower drug prices, from doing so. This brings it in line with Medicare which was forbidden from negotiating lower drug prices in 2006.

A Congressional spokesman said that price gouging is as American as apple pie, and we can’t afford for Big Pharma’s profits to recede. If they did, their stock price would suffer and this would possibly lead to a sell-off in the stock market which could induce a repression if not a depression.

Although European countries do negotiate with Big Pharma and end up paying half of what Medicare pays, they are socialists who are not doing their part to support research. They’re merely parasites living off the noble efforts of US drug companies which have to resort to inversions like Pfizer did when it moved its headquarters to Ireland and merged with Allergan in order to avoid US taxes. Thanks to Americans who pay at least twice as much for drugs as Europeans, the US will lead the world in drug research.

Congress is set to repeal Obamacare for the 876th time next week. Obamacare has become too costly mainly because Medicare can’t negotiate for lower drug prices. It must pay whatever the price gougers choose to charge. Congress has further strengthened this law to the extent that there can be no cheaper substitutions for drugs that doctors prescribe even if cheaper drugs are available. Doctors have been known to accept speaking fees and other perks from drug companies who encourage them to prescribe their non-generic drugs. Therefore, Medicare will end up paying through the nose even when cheaper drugs are available.

This was all music to the ears of Martin Shkreli and others who have raised the price of their drugs – in Shkreli’s case from $13.50 a pill to $750. a pill for Dariprim. If doctors prescribe it, Medicare must pay for it. Shkreli became known as ‘the most hated man in America’ for his price gouging prowess. “I believe drugs should be priced relative to the value they confer,” he said. The value Dariprim confers is staying alive for those who need it. After much outcry, Shkreli said he would reduce the price of Dariprim, but then later backed off from that promise. Shkreli said that he should have raised the price even higher because his first duty was to make money for his shareholders.

GOP Congress Puts Presidential Decorum on Agenda

gold toilet paperCongress will also next week take up the matter of Obama’s dress in the Oval Office. In the 2015 Presidential Appropriate Attire and Decorum Act (PAADA), the President will be forced to wear a coat and tie at all times when he is present in the Oval Office. He will be forbidden from putting his feet up on the desk or from eating snacks.

If they could do it and some say it is possible within the framework of the Constitution, they would forbid Obama from taking a shit in the Presidential bathroom which is just off the Oval Office. This is in light of the fact that a past President, a Democrat in fact, was involved in illicit activities there and a future Republican President should not have to have his hands sullied by wiping his ass in such a place. In due respect for future Republican Presidents, it is a known fact that people of Kenyan descent carry a type of germ that is very difficult to wipe clean off a toilet seat even with the use of the strongest disinfectants. Hence, the President Forbidden to Use Presidential Bathroom Act of 2015.

Trump in his quest to protect us from Muslims wondered aloud today why Tashfeen and Farook, the San Bernadino shooters, escaped detection as they were posting on Facebook their radical views for two years before the incident. The fact that they weren’t on some terrorist list is beside the point. Doesn’t the FBI, the CIA and the NSA have the capability of searching for the word “jihad” wherever it might appear on the internet?

On another note, Trump said that, if he is elected President, the first thing he’d do is to give the American Medal of Freedom to Charles and David Koch for their tireless devotion and service to the nation…

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