Are Aliens from a Hotter World Setting Climate Policy?

By David Helvarg

There’s an obvious reason global fossil fuel subsidies reached $7 trillion last year.  In a recent republican debate former Governor Chris Christie sarcastically dismissed a question on UFOs while Vivek Ramaswamy called climate change a hoax and yet no one seemed to make the connection.

As suggested in the 1996 climate documentary (masked as a science fiction film) ‘The Arrival’ aliens in human guise seek to take advantage of our bad energy choices in order to accelerate and terra-form the planet to the hotter drier conditions they need to colonize Earth.

Fast-forward to the present and the mostly human staff at the New York Times seem at a loss in a story on “Project 2025” (not to be confused with Area 51) the right-wing Heritage Foundation’s battle plan for the next Republican President that would, according to the Times, “stop attempts to cut the pollution that is heating the planet and encourage more emissions.”

Makes perfect sense.  The Alien takeover is far from complete however.  Despite their best efforts their human disguises don’t have quite the right emotional range, speech or body texture we normally associate with our species. Three examples include former Vice President in Command and ‘War for Oil’ advocate Dick Cheney (who has no actual heartbeat) former Vice-President Mike Pence who calls his wife “mother,” and Donald Trump, the orange skinned former President and criminally indicted candidate who once said “The Concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”

Ironically Xi Jinping, the Winnie the pooh-look-alike leader of China, also has strong markers for Alien origin that include a love of coal and authoritarianism that would make a Klingon blush.

The Aliens’ so far successful global climate heating policy also explains why, with solar and wind energy now cheaper than fossil fuels, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has proposed legislation to penalize his state’s booming wind energy sector and promote more oil drilling during a historic heat wave.  Also, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis insists on ramping up more oil and gas production as his state’s hurricane prone, hot tub temperature ocean waters register as high as 101 degrees (or what the not-quite-convincingly human DeSantis calls “that brisk and chilly hydrogen oxygen compound”).  As for West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin, he’s actually a human they bought off with a yacht.

It still may not be too late for humanity to resist our climate colonizers however, perhaps using AI algorithms to spot obvious signs of Alien behavior that due to constant mind- altering attacks (“ExxonMobil – Advancing Climate Solutions”) we’ve lost the ability to discern for ourselves.  A few Examples:

1. Diversion –Hot Earth Aliens like Abbot and DeSantis claim it is “illegal aliens” at the southern border who are “invading,” the U.S. and no one else, certainly no one from Star world Wolf 336 or as they call it in their own language (sounds like an alligator puking).  Please ignore those Air Force UFO videos some Alien whistleblower released.

2. Denial – “Its called summer.  The world’s not heating up.  Come on!” says Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville (huge ears – elongated head).  Tuberville is single handedly undermining our military by holding up key appointments supposedly over “social issues,” but at a moment when the military could prove our last line of defense once the Aliens are exposed, possibly in the next election.

3. Distraction – Given we’ve just lived through the hottest, most extreme weather summer in human history it’s kind of hard to stay focused on the alien menace.  I was planning to chill at Burning Man but first some crazy climate protestors blocked the road in and then, after they were arrested, it flooded.  Maybe a nice air conditioned movie.  Wonder when the Writers Strike will get settled?

David Helvarg is a writer, Executive Director of Blue Frontier, an ocean policy group, co-host of Rising Tide: The Ocean Podcast, a former OBcean who vacations here during the summer, who used to write for the original OB Rag and a human.