OB Rag purchased by Fox News

by on April 1, 2012 · 20 comments

in Are You Kidding?, Economy, Life Events, Media, Ocean Beach, Popular, Satire

OCEAN BEACH –Bankers representing News Corporation announced that its Fox News division had agreed to purchase The OB Rag, a local news website based in San Diego.

“With this acquisition,” News Corp chairman Rupert Murdoch said in a prepared statement, “News Corp silences an increasingly important voice for social justice and expands its local coverage to boot.”

Terms of the purchase remain undisclosed, but a spokesperson for OB Rag publisher Frank Gormlie confirmed the price includes “heaps of News Corp. funny money” and “enough medicinal marijuana to eradicate glaucoma from the face of the earth.”

Sources close to the deal say Gormlie will relinquish control of The OB Rag’s content but will work for News Corporation’s corporate office, reporting to Murdoch directly in what a press release described as “an opposition-research function.”

News Corp.’s purchase of The OB Rag became effective on April 1, and that afternoon, KUSI News cameras spotted Gormlie browsing the inventory at a Land Rover dealership in Rancho Santa Fe.

Later, via email, Gormlie confirmed he was new-car shopping.

“Hey, Fords and Toyotas get you from point A to point B,” Gormlie said. “But they don’t get you there like a big ol’ pimp.”

Some Rag readers were shocked to learn their lefty local website is now the property of the world’s most despised right-wing media conglomerate.

“It seems like, when he was offered enough money, Frank put aside his most important principles,” said an unidentified man fishing on the OB Pier. “Sure, regular people do that all the time, but at least they justify it by having a baby or buying an expensive house.”

Others seemed less concerned about the acquisition.

“Maybe now that Gormlie is part of the system, he can bring it down from the inside, like me,” said Randy Alsobought, a peace advocate and lifelong Democrat who works for a defense contractor. “My plan is to do everything the system asks me to for years and years, the whole time secretly knowing I’m a better person than that.”

At least one member of The OB Rag’s inner circle seemed unsurprised by the sale of the website.

“Not many people realize it, but Frank’s always been aiming to cash out huge,” said Doug Porter, an original OB Rag staffer and long-time friend of Gormlie. “When we were printing in the 1970s, Frank was always saying how the hippie demographic represented a long, winding road to outsized riches.”

Porter would neither confirm nor deny reports that other OB Rag staffers will also receive significant compensation.

“Have you seen the part in The Social Network where Mark Zuckerberg rips off his best friend for millions of dollars?” Porter said. “Neither have I.”

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

avatar Frank Gormlie April 1, 2012 at 11:32 am

Okay Shane, you’re definitely on my sh*t list, big time, especially after I quit laughing so hard it broke the sash belt on my robe.

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avatar George M April 1, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I won’t be reading the OB Rag anymore now that it will cease being a legitimate news source to become another mouth piece for Rupert Merdoch and his extremest conservative views.

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avatar editordude April 1, 2012 at 8:45 pm

George M – perhaps your comment is also reflective of today’s tom foolery. Actually, it’s doug-jack-frank-shane foolery. But, please sir, don’t forsake us. There is so much bad news in the world, this day – and it now has about 2 hours remaining – allows us to mock the ol’ so serious everyday world.

Plus, it allows us to compare our everyday reality with what we’d really like to see.

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avatar bodysurferbob April 1, 2012 at 8:48 pm

i think george m is just going along for the ride. and editordude just fell for it.

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avatar Jack April 2, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Gotcha Frank….

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avatar judi Curry April 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Hey Doug and Shane, I am really interested in the “significant compensation” for the OB Staffers!

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avatar Doug Porter April 1, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I got a complete collection of Bill O’Reilly’s programs on DVD. Priceless.

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avatar Shelley Plumb April 2, 2012 at 10:16 am

Oh, Doug. Can I please borrow them when you’re through? Oh, please, please, please.

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avatar Jackie OB April 1, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Fox news? they are so right wing and far from OB’s likeness.. at least the TV is…

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avatar Gormlie Makefile April 1, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Thx for April 1 piece!

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avatar OB Mercy April 1, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Ahhhh…..OB Rag & Fox News….a match made in hell!

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avatar Anna Daniels April 1, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I had no idea about the purchase. Frankly, I didn’t see it coming. I was simply handed a piece of red paper and all it had written on it was the word FREEDOM.
I let the word sink in and asked “Do you mean freedom from fear, freedom from want, freedom of speech, and freedom to worship?” Fox’s HR guy, a younger, more athletic version of Steve Doocy, said “Are you smoking something? You are free to get a job. Free to get a life. Which is to say- You’re fired!”

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avatar Return Employees April 1, 2012 at 7:40 pm

I guess this story has went nation wide. I just came across it in Seattle. I hope that Frank is just planting himself inside of Fox News.

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avatar Frank Gormlie April 1, 2012 at 8:04 pm

That’s right, just squirreling away my time, waiting for the right moment.

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avatar Anna Daniels April 1, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Squirreling away your time Frank? Boris- What we do about moose and squirrel?
http://tinyurl.com/as8ee2 We are going to take Washington!

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avatar Frank Gormlie April 2, 2012 at 7:02 am

Funny, funny, funny. I used to watch the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show all the time – first cartoon for adults.

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avatar Leif Karat April 1, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Nice! Had me reeling till I realized it is the vernal badinage.

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avatar mr.rick April 2, 2012 at 6:06 am

Try to get Rupert to spring for enough OB Rag “T” shirts to turn London into an annex of Ocean Beach. Just tell every one that if they wear an “Official” OB Rag “T” shirt they will be as cool as we are. Send my cut of the “T” shirt money as soon as possible. My rent is due.

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avatar Old Hermit Dave April 2, 2012 at 11:51 am

Thanks for the laughs Shane—-

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avatar Annie April 2, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Best quote ever: “Hey, Fords and Toyotas get you from point A to point B,” Gormlie said. “But they don’t get you there like a big ol’ pimp.”

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