By Edwin Decker
Dear Ed, I want to watch my wife have sex with another woman but she won’t do it. What’s up with that? Is this a normal feeling to have?
Sincerely, Casper
From a campsite in Andrew Jackson State Park, South Carolina.
Dear Casper, I have my doubts about this being a “real” question for two reasons. The first being that any brain-having, adult human male who has to ask if this is “normal” must not have many married, male friends. The second reason I think it’s a faux question is because of the query, “What’s up with that?” as if it’s out of the bounds of reason she would decline the request.
However, just because I doubt the integrity of the questions doesn’t mean I won’t answer them. Let’s be honest, this really isn’t an advice column. This is a column that pretends to be an advice column in order to crack-wise on topics without having to come up with the topics myself.
So, real or not, my response is, yes, it is clearly a normal feeling to have. I couldn’t find any studies to support the claim but half the men I know would jump at the chance to watch their wives get down with a woman and the other half would leap at it.
Besides, have you seen what they’ve got on the www.internets these days? Clown porn, granny cams, furry sex? They’ve got orgies, scat and donkeys – sometimes in the same video!
There is mechaphilia (being excited by sex with machines), macrophilia (arousal by the idea of having sex with actual, literal giants), looners (people who enjoy sex with balloons), and climacophilia (experiencing sexual gratification while falling down a flight of stairs). There’s even such a thing as Japanese newscaster porn which, well, just Google it. The point being, watching your wife lez out while you jack off in the corner is about as sexually tame these days as putting pineapple on pizza.
As for the question, “What’s up with that?”, I have to ask, “What’s up with you asking, ‘What’s up with that?’” If you can’t understand how your beloved would reject the idea of extramaritally engaging with another woman, one must wonder how you tricked her into marriage in the first place. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with being watched. Maybe she’s honoring your marital vows. Maybe she’s not into chicks. I know one way to find out if it’s the latter. Ask to watch her with another man – if you dare.
Dear Ed, I recently had my Tarot cards read by a psychic. She told me a new man was about to enter my life and make me very happy. Only problem, I’m already happy with my current boyfriend and don’t want anyone new complicating things. Any suggestions about how to keep this from happening. And please don’t say psychics aren’t real. There’s no way this woman could have known the things she knew about me without being psychic.
Looking forward to your response
Deanna
Dear Deanna, psychics aren’t real and there’s a ton of ways she could have known things about you without being psychic. But hey, that’s good news. Now you don’t have to worry about a new man entering your life unless you WANT a new man to enter your life. This is thanks to a little phenomenon known as free will. Even if this psychic is the real deal (she’s not) and a new man came swooping in (he won’t), it’s not like you have to throw up your hands and say, “Oh well, I guess I gotta blow this guy because the psychic predicted it.”
The shyster is lying to you. She’s got no magical powers, she can’t predict the future and she can’t talk to your dead aunt. She can’t even guess whether you prefer chocolate or vanilla ice cream with anything better than even odds. There is too much evidence debunking psychics to list here but let me refer you to my hero, The Amazing James Randi.
James Randi was a magician and skeptic who enjoyed publicly taking down paranormal frauds. Most famously, he was instrumental in the embarrassment of Uri Geller on the Tonight Show. Uri Geller is a self-proclaimed psychokinetic and telepath who became known in the 70’s for, among other things, bending spoons with his mind.
He insisted he was using real psychic powers. When Geller was booked to appear on The Tonight Show, Johnny Carson consulted James Randi about what precautions were needed to ensure Geller didn’t pull any shenanigans. Randi told him not to let Geller use his own props and instead, supply neutral silverware to be kept secured until airtime. Oh man you should have seen the poor, cornered Uri sputter and stammer for over 20 minutes trying to explain why he couldn’t nail a single demonstration.
Anyway, because of his contempt for the charlatans in the paranormal racket, Randi formed The James Randi Educational Foundation (JREF) which offered one million dollars to anyone who could exhibit paranormal/ psychic abilities under controlled conditions (such as neutral silverware in a psychokinetic experiment).
It’s been 22 years since the One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge was offered and not a single, solitary psychic (of the many thousands who applied) came anywhere near passing the test. And sure, I know this is not absolute proof, but it makes you wonder: if psychics are real, wouldn’t at least one of the authentic ones have come out of the woodwork to claim a million bucks?
It is for these reasons, Deanna, that I advise you to keep the boyfriend and ditch the psychics. Stop wasting money on those detestable chiselers and consult astrology. Yeah, astrology is every bit as bogus, but at least it’s free. Trust me, I’m a Taurus.
Edwin Decker (of Ocean Beach) is not a licensed therapist or psychologist. In fact, his only qualification is the 25-plus years as a bartender listening to the liver-aching of desperados and dipsomaniacs. Heed his advice at your peril.
Send questions to ed@edwindecker.com
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