All I wanted for the holidays was …

A few weeks ago I was lamenting the fact that there were only two gifts under the tree for me, in spite of having 12 grandchildren and parents that go along with those grandchildren.

I was pleased that one of my former Foreign Language Students – Bernd – from Germany – had sent me a book – the customs tag indicated it was a book – and a former Counselor at one of my schools had sent me a photograph he took. (I knew it was a photo because he was my photography teacher and we always exchange pictures.) I truly appreciated both gifts, and it made me feel that I was still thought of during the holidays. (I also have to add that my two current Foreign Language students each had something for me under the tree.)

But the OTHER gift I received was from Jamie and was totally unexpected.  And it is one that I am having a difficult time writing a thank you note to Jamie about.

Let me tell you about some of the directions for installation that accompanied the gift:

1) Shut off the water supply

2) Connect the T-valve to the water valve

3) Plug in the electric cord

4) After plugging in the cord, an LED light will appear.

5) A “beep” sound will occur periodically

And here are some questions and answers in the installation guide:

A) The power lamp switches on and off. Is this normal?

B) The wash position and water temperature does not seem to fit me.

C) The remote control does not work.

D) Whenever standing or sitting near it it emits a “beep”. Is this normal?

E) Water will not come out after installation

Then there are a whole list of “cautions”:

a) Do not slam forcefully

b) Do not pull the connecting hose

c) Prevent children from putting foreign substances into the outlet

d) Children, elderly should always use the lowest temperature

e) Never put the product in water

And then there are the directions that come with the remote control:

1. For her back wash

2. For her front wash

3. For his back wash

4. Dryer – when selected, a light will show which designates strong or weak

5. Oscillate – pressing the button will automatically oscillate

6. Energy Saver – pressing the button will automatically activate or deactivate the energy saving mode

7. Water dryer – water pressure and dryer temperature has 5 levels

8. Nozzle position – can be adjusted up to 5 levels

9. Water – can be adjusted up to 4 levels

So… what is this gift and why did Jaime give it to me?

If you have read any of my other articles, you may remember that just recently – October 1st – I had “trigger finger” surgery on 3 fingers on my left hand. (Since I don’t believe in guns, I wanted to remove the “triggers” from my hand.)

The surgery went well but my fingers are not healing as quickly as I thought they should have, and I cancelled surgery for my right hand on December 3rd. (I tore both rotator cuffs and stretched the tendons in my fingers/shoulders while lifting my husband out of his wheel chair.)

I was complaining to Jaime that I could not see having the surgery on my right hand because there are so many things I do with my right hand that I cannot do with my left hand. And…since my left hand was not healing quickly, I didn’t think I would even have the right-hand surgery. We talked about the things I didn’t think I would be able to do, and one of those things was using the bathroom.

Have you now guessed what Jaime gifted me with for the holidays? Not yet?

Here is one more comment from the instruction manual – “Always sit on the middle of the unit and do not sit on the side of the seat”.

Now do you know? Yes, Jaime gave me a bidet so that I can worry less about one aspect of the right-hand surgery.

And thanking her for taking care of my private parts has caused me great consternation, because I tend to get very graphic in my descriptions and I don’t think she wants to hear my thoughts about the use of this new contraption in my bathroom. (That is why I am not posting a picture of me – in my bathroom – with my new gift!)

But I have to say to Jaime that she is the one of the only friends I have that would be concerned enough about the consequences of not adequately taking care of myself to give me a bidet for a gift. It’s not like we see each other often – she lives in Truckee – and she is concerned about odors.

No… Jaime is a true and thoughtful friend that I have the privilege of knowing – and loving. (Just to let you know just how thoughtful Jaime is – when we moved to Maine in 1999 it was in the middle of the summer and we did not want to put our dog in the airplane baggage area because of altitude and heat. Jaime offered to DRIVE him from San Diego to Maine, and to hear her talk they had a grand time. She taught him how to drink out of a water bottle; they went to Niagara Falls; they slept under the stars, etc. )

I am really not surprised at Jaime’s gift – I just am not sure how to thank her. I just want her to know how thankful I am to have her as a friend and to thank her for all she has done for me in the past – and continues to do for me in the future. Anytime you are visiting in San Diego, Jaime, my toilet is your toilet. Come on over and use it! And for you reading this drivel – I give you an open invitation to use it … just read the directions first.