I Need Somebody to Hate; Please Help!

Editor: John M Williams is sitting in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, with nothing to do except read what’s going on back home, and in OB. After reviewing all of the controversy and hate-mongering going on, he decided we needed some levity. Here’s his attempt to make us laugh.

by John M. Williams

I’ve decided that that’s what I need: Somebody to hate.

The old Airplane song had it backward, I think. We don’t need Somebody to Love, we need Somebody to Hate. That way, we’d have something we could share; we’d have something in common and could get along even though we each thought the other to be an idiot, fool, dolt, or just plain stupid and bad mannered.

So, I think I’m out of touch with the main stream, and you know how lonely that feels. I wanna get with it, be part of the gang, join up, have something to talk about with my new friends. I guess it could be something instead of somebody, although I think people are better because, if you pick a thing, then only those who love that thing will rise up in opposition against you, and I want to get my money’s worth out of this effort – still, some is better than none.

So, anyway, I’m asking, seriously, who or what should I hate? Let me know what you think. Here are a few of the ideas I’ve come up with.

Men? Women? Children? Modern art? Pool players? Swimmers? TV commercials? Smokers? Non-smokers? Advertising? Liars? Racists? Capitalists? Communists? Pigeons? Sparrows? Chicken? Chickerns? Fords? Chevys? SUVs? Economy cars? Foreign cars? Musicians? Farmers? Potters? Waiters? Car thieves? Banks? Bank robbers? Insurance companies? Doctors? Lawyers? Indian chiefs? Politicians? Preachers? Teachers? Stupid people? Ignorant people? Smart people? Educated people? Poor people? Rich people? Black skin? White skin? Brown skin? People who like guns? People who don’t? Rap music? Rock ‘n roll? Classical music? Opera? Ballet? Basketball? Baseball? Football – American, the rest of the world, Australian rules? Body builders? Wimps? Those who know better? Those who don’t? Christians? Atheists? Indians? Cowboys? Californians? Arizonans? New Yorkers?

Then, there’s that whole list of names given to various groups of humans who share ethnicity, skin color, tastes, sexual orientation, regionalism, situation, circumstance, social class, economic status, jobs, or religion, and I guess there must be a few other categories which elude my none too facile mind at this moment (I’m under stress with worry about this.): I could list the ones I know, but you probably have a list of your own – and, I’d hate to leave anyone out. This is about joining.

How about people who read? People who don’t? Mathematicians? Philosophers? Used car salesmen? Diesel engines? Computer games? The color blue? Long hair? Short hair? Beards? Mustaches? Ponytails? Horses? Bare-back riders? Flat tires? Cars that won’t start? Dead batteries? Cold meals? Soup? Bread? Tomatoes? Dirty clothes? Unwashed cars? Potholes?

Beer drinkers? Catholics? Jews? Muslims? The French? Germans? The Chinese? Health nuts? Socks with holes in them? Decaffeinated coffee? Lite beer? Butter substitutes? Wine drinkers? Pot smokers? Heroin addicts? Cats? Dogs? Rats? Mice? Flies? Fleas? Rain? Sunshine? Cloudy days? The sun? The moon? Moonless nights? Skinheads? Meth heads? Heavy metal music? Devil worshippers? The people on the hill?

Those on the wrong side of the tracks? Fat people? Whiners? The arrogant? The humble? Those who go along? Those who don’t? Talkative people? The reticent? Groupies? Hermits? Whites? Blacks? Asians? Arabs? Latins? Mexicans only? Tierra del Fuegans? Canadians? The cha cha? The quick step? Ballroom dancing? Bad TV shows? TV? Cars? Bikes? Bikers? Joggers? Bloggers? Iron men? The military? Chain stores? Big box stores? Fast food? Dieters? Pigs? Porkers? Poker? Slot machines? Those who have? Those who don’t? Non-natives? Natives? Non-native speakers? Native speakers? Bitches? Bastards? Pricks? Assholes? Misanthropes? Misogynists? Child abusers? Criminals? Cops? Wife beaters? Pedophiles? Sluts? Jerk offs? Guys who jerk off? Pornographers? Playboys? Bosses? The unemployed? Those who don’t want to work? People with jobs? Golfers? Kayakers? Sailors? Fishermen? Taxidermists? Foreigners? Locals? Polluters? People who give a damn? People who don’t? Pretty people? Ugly ones?

Oh hell, I give up! There’s too many choices. Do you see what my problem is? Maybe you guys can help.

So, here’s the deal: I’m running an essay contest on the topic: Who or What Do You Hate?

To participate, send your 10,000 word essay explaining who you hate and why (see details for format – non-conforming entries will not be considered) to “Hate, P.O. Box Millennia, Hell on Earth, USA” along with cash (no counterfeit bills will be accepted, please – unless they’re so well done that I’ll be able to pass them without endangering myself – I’ll leave that determination to your own good judgment, however, arrests will seriously impact the probability that you will be awarded the Grand Prize), check (a good one – com’on, play fair), or a money order in the amount of $1,000.00 (international entrants may substitute British Pounds or Euros) made out to: The MeFirst Foundation.

A distinguished panel composed of myself, the few friends I still have, if any, and selected people who respond to a Pennysaver ad offering the minimum wage will review all entries and determine the winner based on supporting justification, originality, eloquence, writing style, vocabulary, sincerity, and the emotional impact of your composition. The Grand Prize winner will be awarded a cash prize of as little as possible to keep him/her quiet, plus a large plastic plaque inscribed with his/her name and the company’s soon to be widely recognized extended digit logo.

Hey! Get that puking bitch off my lawn! I’ll turn the hose on you! I’ll get my gun! Fuck no, I won’t call the cops; I’ve got a warrant out. Just get the hell out of here and leave me and my bicycle alone! Dammit! If I could get out of this wheelchair, I’d kick your ass! Punk! Yeah! Well, good luck to you too! Punk. Shit! What’s on TV? No beer!? Life sucks! Ophra!! Crap!