An Open Letter to Whoever Stole My OB Bike Last Week

by on July 17, 2017 · 11 comments

in Ocean Beach

Hi, Buddy!

You must be feeling awful clever right about now, having made off with my shiny, precious toy. I’m sure it took not only daring but a remarkable measure of stealth to find your way into my apartment building’s garage, defeating not only the locked access doors but also the 24/7 surveillance cams with what I imagine must have been a sizeable set of bolt cutters to cleave through my lock so efficiently. Kudos!

Also, thanks for not scratching my wife’s car while you conducted your theft – the foresight and careful touch with which you extracted my ride is much appreciated, since I’m sure damage to her bumper would’ve been much costlier than the spoils of your hard work was worth to me, in terms of dollars and cents anyway.

But that’s not entirely what my bike was worth. You see, even though it may have looked shiny and new, what you’ve actually absconded with is a 2015 model Diamondback Trace ST, with a grey frame and green accents. I got it off a discount site, two years past its prime and at about half the retail value. So the cash equivalent that you’ve taken from me isn’t too rough – maybe a week’s wages after considering all of the doo-dads I’ve applied to it to make it specifically mine.

Mine. This was *my* bike. That’s what hurts me the most, the thing that haunted me for hours after heading down to the garage with my daughter, who was excited to go for a ride with her dad that would end up with a sushi lunch (cycling and sushi are the two most prominent special daddy/daughter things we share that Mom has little tolerance for).

Just two weeks ago I’d gotten a new stem to adjust the rise and reach of my handlebars to fit my body perfectly – even though I’m 5’11” you’ve surely noticed that the 17.5″ medium frame seemed out of place with the tall seat height and comically-adjusted handlebars – I have a big torso and comparatively short arms and legs, so the stand-over height of a more-appropriate large frame would’ve been inconvenient.

At the same time, I’d installed some new pedals, which I’ll assume you’re currently puzzling over; the hooped bits are to lock in the cleats in my not-even-broken-in cycling shoes, a badass set that resemble casual kicks at first glance and are almost as cool as the Answer Softies I rocked back in my racing days, complete with the “anarchy A” logo on the side. With those few simple changes, the addition of a saddle bag with spare tube, allen wrench set, and some note paper for taking an interview on the fly, that bike was *mine*.

Oh yeah, the saddle. That was the first split-back seat ever released, I remember the Specialized rep coming into the shop where I worked when I was 15 (we didn’t even sell complete Specialized bikes, so this visit was rare!) pimping this seat as the beginning of a revolution – two decades later and I’ve never loved a seat so much, so your taking that from my fat chapped ass burns as much as the rest of your transgressions.

But that bike is yours now, and soon it’ll belong to whatever flunkie you can find to give you a few bucks for booze, meth, pot, or whatever (I’m betting it’s meth, tweekers are the lowest of the low).

I’m guessing you have little in the way of conscience, dear thief, and I hope that serves you well. But while you’ve certainly won this round, I’m not going down.

You see, I discovered your handiwork late Sunday morning. I’d promised my daughter that if she got her share of the housecleaning done, I’d take her for a ride and a sushi lunch – I think I’ve mentioned her mom’s tastes ensure we don’t get to enjoy these things on the regular. Obviously, having my bike stolen put a bit of a cramp on our plans. Thanks for not stealing her bike or her mom’s, though – I’m not sure if this was your kind heart realizing that it would present a much more serious burden to a non-driving kid to take away her only means of transportation or if you just figured you’d only be able to ride away on one bike at a time. Regardless, thanks for only fucking over me rather than my whole family.

At this point, I don’t mean to rain on your parade (lying – I completely do), but you didn’t crush us.

Sure, you made my daughter cry when she realized we wouldn’t be going for our ride. My wife even shed a tear on my behalf when I told her how you’d conspired to ruin our weekend. I’ve got to admit that I even sulked for a few hours, thinking about how some humans behave in a manner that would embarrass even a cockroach.

But at the end of the day, you lose. Well, until my security cam footage finds you and likely ties you to other burglaries like this one – no, then you still lose.

My daughter and I still made our lunch date, and we spent the afternoon together having fun in spite of you. I headed down to the bike shop a few days later, where I picked up another cheap clearance stand-in and a new lock, and my family still made it down to the beach on the Fourth to take in the fireworks that we’ve been watching since we came to town 10 years ago.

You’ll find out soon enough that my bike wasn’t really worth all that much. By that time, I’ll have processed my grief and moved on. I can only wish you the best – that the high you’ll be able to obtain from your dirty money is most satisfying, or the kind that renders you hospitalized in a coma where you’ll at least temporarily be unable to ravage others as you did me.

Love and kisses!


{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

feel ya July 17, 2017 at 2:56 pm

I’ve lived in OB for the better part of the last 20 yrs. In that time I have had two break ins where jewelry, computers, and tools were stolen. In separate indents I have had bikes stolen 4 times, and cars broken into twice. Get renters insurance or home owners insurance and don’t keep anything priceless at home unless it is very well hidden. OB is not going to change and this summer just like every summer for as long as I can remember crime goes up. We could probably go on and on about how or why this is happening but bottom line it will continue.


unwashedwallmartThong July 17, 2017 at 3:32 pm

Those jackals are out there, & they don’t give a shit about anything but the next lil toot-toot of meth up their damaged nostril or caved vein. The bike theft has happened to me, & the punk-ass dirt bag was even caught on camera. Try to track him down; that was a no-go. When I ride, I never carry a lock because my bike never leaves my eye sight. My bikes are always inside; there are bike hooks right there in the dining room. The jerks would have to creep into the back door.
That’s where I have the potato launcher set up!
Good job on the spiel; your daughter will appreciate it more as she matures, no doubt.


judi July 17, 2017 at 7:21 pm

Great writing, Dave. Have enjoyed other things from you in the past, but this really puts it in perspective – with a lot of “tongue in cheek” too boot. Hope you find the bastard!


OBCookster13 July 18, 2017 at 5:23 pm

Try something like this next time… see this


Ron K. July 18, 2017 at 6:21 pm

Thieves sucks Dave, what can I say. At least your family is safe, that’s all it matters.


fstued July 19, 2017 at 8:44 am

Bike thieves are evil. I have had several stolen from $50 rides to $2200 rides and I am sure the thief had no idea what they were stealing. I’ll take the blame for not locking it, stupid me, in one incident. Other case locks were cut or the bikes was behind a fence. The value of most of these thiefs is very minimal and I’ll guess they get stolen again from the 1st thief by the next thief. Thieves have no honor.
On my next bike I will place a locator so maybe just maybe the police can retrieve it and bust the scumbag.


Dr. Jack Hammer July 19, 2017 at 10:48 am

I had my GT mountain bike (a gift for college graduation) stolen on the same day my girlfriend in South America broke up with me via email. Tough day…

There’s a group of thieves along the bikepath on south side of the San Diego River that strips bikes, builds ‘new’ ones, and repaints them.

There’s always people walking around my neighborhood (OB Ghetto) looking in cars and along houses for easy targets. Keep an eye out for your neighbors and hopefully they will do the same…


Dave July 19, 2017 at 1:02 pm

Thanks, all, for the kind words. Yeah, the theft sucked, as I’m sure it has for some of the other folks sharing their stories here, but surprisingly it’s only the second or third time I’ve been ripped off in all my years down here – actually much less frequently than when I lived in El Cajon (where I lost a couple $1000+ bikes over the years). I’ve replaced the bike, and now all of my family’s rides are stored in our living room instead of the garage. Speaking of, anyone want a free recliner?

Sometimes writing down how you really feel enables you to let go of the negative, and in this case it did. And hopefully it’ll keep all of us a little more vigilant, though there’s not too much point in worrying to excess over things like this that just happen time to time.


Debbie July 20, 2017 at 5:09 pm

OB needs a program like PB – see reader article

I have been told that some bike chopping goes on in the Point Loma Native Garden and some house on Lotus but I don’t know that for sure…to me it’s hear say but a number of people have said the same thing


Debbie July 20, 2017 at 5:26 pm
Dave July 20, 2017 at 11:37 pm

Saw that – like it…


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