Are Aliens from a Hotter World Setting Climate Policy?

by on September 26, 2023 · 11 comments

in Environment, Ocean Beach

By David Helvarg

There’s an obvious reason global fossil fuel subsidies reached $7 trillion last year.  In a recent republican debate former Governor Chris Christie sarcastically dismissed a question on UFOs while Vivek Ramaswamy called climate change a hoax and yet no one seemed to make the connection.

As suggested in the 1996 climate documentary (masked as a science fiction film) ‘The Arrival’ aliens in human guise seek to take advantage of our bad energy choices in order to accelerate and terra-form the planet to the hotter drier conditions they need to colonize Earth.

Fast-forward to the present and the mostly human staff at the New York Times seem at a loss in a story on “Project 2025” (not to be confused with Area 51) the right-wing Heritage Foundation’s battle plan for the next Republican President that would, according to the Times, “stop attempts to cut the pollution that is heating the planet and encourage more emissions.”

Makes perfect sense.  The Alien takeover is far from complete however.  Despite their best efforts their human disguises don’t have quite the right emotional range, speech or body texture we normally associate with our species. Three examples include former Vice President in Command and ‘War for Oil’ advocate Dick Cheney (who has no actual heartbeat) former Vice-President Mike Pence who calls his wife “mother,” and Donald Trump, the orange skinned former President and criminally indicted candidate who once said “The Concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”

Ironically Xi Jinping, the Winnie the pooh-look-alike leader of China, also has strong markers for Alien origin that include a love of coal and authoritarianism that would make a Klingon blush.

The Aliens’ so far successful global climate heating policy also explains why, with solar and wind energy now cheaper than fossil fuels, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has proposed legislation to penalize his state’s booming wind energy sector and promote more oil drilling during a historic heat wave.  Also, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis insists on ramping up more oil and gas production as his state’s hurricane prone, hot tub temperature ocean waters register as high as 101 degrees (or what the not-quite-convincingly human DeSantis calls “that brisk and chilly hydrogen oxygen compound”).  As for West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin, he’s actually a human they bought off with a yacht.

It still may not be too late for humanity to resist our climate colonizers however, perhaps using AI algorithms to spot obvious signs of Alien behavior that due to constant mind- altering attacks (“ExxonMobil – Advancing Climate Solutions”) we’ve lost the ability to discern for ourselves.  A few Examples:

1. Diversion –Hot Earth Aliens like Abbot and DeSantis claim it is “illegal aliens” at the southern border who are “invading,” the U.S. and no one else, certainly no one from Star world Wolf 336 or as they call it in their own language (sounds like an alligator puking).  Please ignore those Air Force UFO videos some Alien whistleblower released.

2. Denial – “Its called summer.  The world’s not heating up.  Come on!” says Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville (huge ears – elongated head).  Tuberville is single handedly undermining our military by holding up key appointments supposedly over “social issues,” but at a moment when the military could prove our last line of defense once the Aliens are exposed, possibly in the next election.

3. Distraction – Given we’ve just lived through the hottest, most extreme weather summer in human history it’s kind of hard to stay focused on the alien menace.  I was planning to chill at Burning Man but first some crazy climate protestors blocked the road in and then, after they were arrested, it flooded.  Maybe a nice air conditioned movie.  Wonder when the Writers Strike will get settled?

David Helvarg is a writer, Executive Director of Blue Frontier, an ocean policy group, co-host of Rising Tide: The Ocean Podcast, a former OBcean who vacations here during the summer, who used to write for the original OB Rag and a human.

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

chris schultz September 26, 2023 at 12:16 pm

As journalism this is felony stupid.


David Helvarg September 27, 2023 at 2:30 pm

But as humor it’s felony journalism. Obviously needs captioning for the humor-impaired.


Frank Gormlie September 27, 2023 at 2:47 pm

Satire is much more fun to write.


Geoff Page September 27, 2023 at 3:29 pm

Hard to tell, but I’m hoping that was said in jest.


TCS September 26, 2023 at 3:52 pm

I’d like to thank all who have been involved with providing this comedic relief. Everyone needs a little humor in their day.


Frank J September 27, 2023 at 5:24 am

? ? ??


Frank J September 27, 2023 at 5:25 am

Whoops, emojis didn’t work, thank you and smiley face!


Paul Krueger September 27, 2023 at 11:11 am

Good to hear from you, David. I appreciate the much-needed comic (or not so comic) relief. Hope to read more from you.


David Helvarg September 27, 2023 at 2:34 pm

Hey Paul. Great to hear from a great journalistic voice from the past (and present I’m sure). Sometimes it’s just fun to write about the lighter side of the apocalypse. For a more hopeful perspective here’s an opinion I wrote on the new Climate Corps in the LA Times Friday.


Angie September 27, 2023 at 12:29 pm

If the subject wasn’t so serious, I’d be laughing my ass off. Oh hell, I’m laughing anyway! Thank you


sealintheSelkirks September 28, 2023 at 2:12 pm

Naw DH, I think the take-over was by tiny ‘Puppeteers’ type aliens that tap directly into the brain stem. Like a tiny tick that can hardly be seen under the hairline with direct access to the nerve and control centers. A very effective mechanism for a wide variety of creatures with a brain on every planet they’ve done this to.

Incredibly adaptable, these aliens thrive on all forms of poisonous chemical and toxic wastes; drinking PCBs & dioxin & DDT etc, while radioactive substances are like different-flavored sauces. Floating micro-plastic in the ocean is like macadamia nuts to them, just great to nibble on while basking in the sun at the beach while in their favorite and current puppet body.

This is what they do, scour this little galaxy of ours to find upcoming intelligent species that are destroying their ecosystem for the profit of a few. Once the species kills itself off and the planet starts to repair itself they drift back off and head for the next solar system because there is always another evolving somewhere they can find.

And what, you thought this was the only planet they’ve landed on? Silly humans, they’ve been doing this for half a billion years! Why do you think you haven’t discovered any other intelligent species civilization signals yet? Greed is pervasive in all sorts of wildly different species and soon as they start poisoning their planet….

Oh wait, the military keeps taking pictures and getting radar images of all these different UFOs. Maybe the jig is up and it’s the interstellar cops hot on their trail!

Or else we as a species are just *uking nuts and/or stupid as s**t. I’m kind of leaning towards the latter…



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