Help! People make fun of my outdated vocabulary

By Edwin Decker

Dear Ed, recently I used the word “bling” to describe my niece’s jewelry (in a complimentary way). I thought I was using a modern term, but she sneered that the word is passé and that saying it shows my age (I’m 42). This is not the first time she has criticized my word usage. She and others have commented that my vocabulary is often out of touch. I really don’t want to go around sounding like an old fogey so my question is, how can I tell when a term is outdated?

With appreciation,
Not That Old Fogey

Dear Fogey, for starters, don’t say “fogey.” Unless you’re describing a horror movie murder swamp with machine-generated fog (faux-gey), I’d stay away from that word.

Kidding aside, the way one determines if a term is outdated is simple. If you are over 30, assume that by the time you hear what you think is a new, hip word or phrase, it no longer is. Because you likely heard it from one of your over-30 peers, making the phrase uncool by definition. After all, what could kill a new, hip term faster than when Uncle Fogey and Auntie Grannypants start using them? Make sense, Daddy-O?

That said, I’m not down with the notion that it’s corny or inappropriate to use words and phrases that have outlived their coolness. That’s why I’ll still use terms like, “Daddy-O,” and “I’m not down” – regardless of what the under-30 word wardens have to say about it.

BestLifeOnline has an article called, “50 Outdated Words That Instantly Age You” with the subtitle, “These Words May Have Been Relevant at One Time but It’s Time to Update Your Lexicon.”

Fiddlesticks!

I’m not one to claim victim status, but isn’t it ageist to suggest that the words us old people use are inferior to modern ones? Why is the word “movie” considered superior to “moving picture?” Is a “remote” really better than a “clicker”? Seems to me the only qualitative difference between them is that one is old, and the other is new and if new is always better, how do you explain Valley Girl 2020?

BestLifeOnline says people should stop using the word “dope” as a synonym for marijuana. Screw that noise. Dope is the word the heads of my generation called “grass.” And grass was what the stoners before us referred to as “pot,” which is what we called dope when we were done calling it “dope,” or “weed,” which became “ganja” when reggae blew up, which became “chronic” when rap blew up and “cannabis” when legalization blew up. And while I find all of these synonyms to be amusing and/or compelling, none so much as dope. To me, dope is aces! Um, I mean the bomb! Err, no, it’s lit! Or is it fire? Christ, who can keep up anymore?

In the aforementioned BestLife article, they claim the phrase “mobile phone” is antiquated.

Et tu mobile phone?

“The last person to use the term ‘mobile phone,’ and sound cool was Tupac,” says BestLifeOnline. For some reason they don’t offer its hipper, newer alternative. Probably because there isn’t one. I mean, is it even possible to have a cool, bitchin’ word for a fucking phone?

In the same article, BestLife suggests that “hottie” should be eliminated from your vocabulary. Nope. Sorry. No chance. “Hottie” stays; along with “chick,” “hunk,” “beefcake” and “dame” (hubba hubba!) I take great satisfaction in peppering retro language into my vocabulary. Which is why I sometimes refer to my Google contacts as “Roledex,” my external hard drive as a “floppy disk” and an attempt to slaughter live fowl for dinner as “choking the chicken.” It’s part mockery, part nostalgia and part homage – like Tenacious D. doing acoustic heavy metal.

By the way, the previously mentioned BestLife article links to a companion piece called, “These Are All of the Slang Terms You’re Too Old to Use After 40”, and includes “cray-cray,” “Totes,” “YOLO” and “hangry,” to name a few.

Well make up your mind, BestLifeOnline! Should old people ditch old words to not sound out of touch or ditch modern words to not sound lame? Maybe BestLife should publish an article called, “Here Is a List of Terms Old People Are Permitted to Use,” subtitled, “There’s Only 100 Words on the List, But Old People Are Old and Won’t Be Needing Them Much Longer.”

Well, I say Bollocks to BestLife, Uncle Fogey, and anyone else who razzes your anachronistic lingo. You go ahead and do you. Throw around words like “galoshes,” “groovy” and “world wide web,” then sit back and watch them cringe. And enjoy that cringe. It’ll make them cringe even more. If you’re anything like me, you’ll gain life-sustenance from their whinging the way Dracula gets sustenance from drinking hottie blood.

Straight Up with a Twist Drinking Tip of the Month

When on a multi-day drinking binge, set the alarm on your car phone –  er, I mean mobile device – to go off at sunrise and again at sunset. This is to demarcate night and day so you’ll know whether to order bloody Mary’s or vodka Red Bulls.

Edwin Decker (of Ocean Beach) is not a licensed therapist or psychologist. In fact, his only qualification is the 25-plus years as a bartender listening to the liver-aching of desperados and dipsomaniacs. Heed his advice at your peril.

Send questions to ed@edwindecker.com