Dear Straight Up with a Twist,
What do you do when you find your partner masturbating? I caught my girl in the act, which wasn’t a big deal except for the fact that she gave me a hard time when she caught me a few weeks earlier. She claimed my masturbating meant that I wasn’t sexually satisfied by her but for some reason she doesn’t think the reverse is true. I said it was hypocritical. Any advice on how to approach this issue?
Sexually Deprived in SD
Dear SDSD, the first part of your query – what to do when you catch your partner fapping – is the easiest question I’ve had to answer since a Jehovah’s Witness knocked on my door and asked if he could come inside and talk about my salvation. My answer to him was, “Not right now. Beelzebub is about to give me a transfusion.”
The answer, SDSD, to your question – what to do if you find your partner masturbating – is just as simple: Offer a helping hand, duh.
As for the second part, how to handle the double standard, it’s a bit tougher. Given that your significant other does not recognize, or will not cop to, this blatant double standard, I can only assume she has sustained damage to her frontal lobe and has lost her faculties of logic and fairness.
So, it will likely not do any good to ask why she can’t accept your little jackrabbit habit when you are perfectly fine with hers. And it will not do any good to remind her that it was SHE who violated the sanctity of your Masturbatorium. And it won’t do any good to explain that, according to the 2018 TENGA Global Self-Pleasure Report, a whopping 92 percent of American men are thwappers – which is pretty much 99 percent when adjusted for impotency, old age, and sufferers of SHS (Sandpaper Hand Syndrome).
And it probably won’t help to tell her that it is unlikely all these men are wanking because they are sexually unsatisfied with their partners. Indeed, there are myriad reasons people pleasure themselves and by no means can it be concluded that a self-pleasuring partner is doing so because they are sexually unsatisfied.
Nay, the most likely reason people masturbate – according to Planned Parenthood, AMA, Mayo Clinic, and common stinking sense – is that it fucking feels great! Rarely is it because their lovers are lagging; rarely is it because they’re trying to reach a higher plane of sexual-spiritual existence; rarely is it because their genitals need periodic cleaning. They do it because it feels fucking great and she bloody well knows this because that’s the reason she’s doing it too.
So why are you the bad guy here? Why are you in the wrong simply because, at the moment you felt like feeling great, she wasn’t around to help you feel great? Especially considering what it says in Romans 5:8 about masturbation: “God helps those feel great who help themselves feel great, Amen.”
Alas — given the obvious damage to your lady’s brain – it probably won’t do any good to say as much. And it certainly won’t do any good to explain that, on average, men masturbate considerably more than women. According to the same TENGA report, 76 percent of American women are thwappers which, to be fair, is more like 82 percent when adjusted for old age, female sexual dysfunction and CNFS (Chronic Needle Fingers Syndrome).
Still, it is significantly lower than men’s adjusted rate of 98 percent so, if anything, you have more license to thwap than she does. But you can’t say that either.
I know what you’re thinking SDSD. You’re thinking that, thus far, my response to your question has been nothing but a list of things not to say or do. You’re thinking, when is Decker going to get to the, you know, ADVICE part of the column? And you’re right. Here’s my advice. Tell her, “Honey, I’m sorry I insulted you by touching myself and will refrain from doing so in the future.”
Sure, it’s a lie, but in the interest of Happy-Spouse-Happy-House theory, it’s a lie worth telling. Just say you’re going to stop and then make absolutely certain never to get caught again. And really, now that I think about it, how the hell did you get caught in the first place?
Lord knows I would never permit that embarrassment. Not once – since discovering that my genitals were meant for grander things than bladder evacuation and warming my hands after snowball fights – have I been caught buffing my Bentley. This is because the idea is so mortifying to me, I take great measures to ensure it doesn’t happen.
For starters, I make goddamn certain nobody is home. I mean, what kind of madman plays with himself when there are people in the house? Then I lock the front door (in case a Jehovah’s Witness wanders up), the back door, and, naturally, the Masturbatorium door.
Then, for good measure, slide a large piece of furniture against it in case the lock fails. Then, I do a system’s check on the outside perimeter. Are the cameras online? Check. Is the drone airborne? Check. Are the guard dogs roaming? Check. Lastly, I slip a cyanide capsule under my tongue in case of a breach. Better a convulsive, foaming demise than occasionally having to bump into someone who has witnessed my solo O-face, I say.
So, to summarize my advice, SDSD – apologize, lie, then spank yourself silly with a locked-up house, perimeter surveillance and a cabinet shoved against the Masturbatorium door so you never get caught again.
Straight up With a Twist Drinking Tip of the Month
I don’t understand the whole, lime-with-tequila thing. Tequila tastes great by itself. We’ve been conditioned by big citrus to believe tequila tastes horrible and needs to be accompanied by this crazy lime ritual! Even if you don’t like tequila, limes taste worse! Taking lime with a shot is like stabbing yourself in the eye so you don’t notice a paper cut. Do what I do, drink it neat and be a god.
Edwin Decker (of Ocean Beach) is not a licensed therapist or psychologist. In fact, his only qualification is the 25-plus years as a bartender listening to the liver-aching of desperados and dipsomaniacs. Heed his advice at your peril.
Send questions to ed@edwindecker.com
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