Your Horoscope for 2022

Horoscope for the OB Rag, born Oct 26, 2007

By Mat Wahlstrom

Good morning, starshine: the earth says it’s time for a prognostication of the year to come! It is written in the stars — or, more precisely, the orbits of the satellites in our solar system. But, I can in full confidence predict that events will transpire and things will happen in 2022, and that many of them will affect you personally.

And by personally, I mean by the random chance of your birth month being shared with a twelfth of everyone else alive — which is why there’s also a handy zodiac guide provided at the end to help understand how each sun sign responds to life’s challenges and windfalls.

So without further ado, here’s what lies ahead!

The year starts out with a bang as Jupiter moves direct in Pisces, and on February 1, we enter the Year of the Black Water Tiger. You could suddenly get caught in the rain and have to seek shelter, but once there meet someone who may turn out to be your soul mate or end up stalking you. Venus will be retrograde, so flip a coin. The candy you waited until after Valentine’s Day to buy half off will be the only one not available then. Remembering you were warned about this now will quietly enrage you more.

March will see Mars square Uranus, which will light a fire in your belly to move in a new direction or out of a burning house. Be sure to lock in an unlimited data plan. People may feel beside themselves in a hall of mirrors or a failed Netflix pilot. Earthquakes are likely, but hopefully not The Big One!

In April, Jupiter and Venus will conjoin. Those of you in a relationship will benefit from seeing your partner in a new light or a rear view mirror. If you’re single or celibate, don’t feel left out — things will be just as iffy for you. Invest in cannabis stocks and stock up on weed. You could become frenemies with a libertarian who will snap and turn anarchist before it’s trendy. This would help you both, but not for the same reason.

From May through October, Jupiter will say “sike!” and transit back to Aries. This will be a time for thinking about making new starts but not actually doing anything different. Embrace manifesting abundance and see where that gets you. Lifestyles are all about choices! Chance of panic attacks: 90%.

Absolutely nothing of interest will happen in June and July. Oh, except for a new COVID variant that the same people who still refuse to get vaccinated will spread even faster. Start a hobby, like watching paint dry or creating a new cryptocurrency. Avoid staring too long into the void, less the void stares back into you.

August will see Mars conjunct Uranus in Taurus. This is a proverbial ‘bull in the china shop’ aspect, so avoid thrift stores in rural areas. It’s possible everyone involved in the 101 Ash Street fiasco may finally be held accountable. It’s also possible you could win a lottery and end up broke in eighteen months. You will slowly strangle the fifth random person who uses the phrase “monsoonal moisture” to describe the hellish weather.

From mid-July through December, Saturn and Uranus will square off, coming within half a degree mid-September through October for the last time until 2043. This was the same aspect that occurred during the Great Wall Street Crash of 1929, but maybe this time it just means ‘hygge’ will stop being a thing?

In November, the 2022 midterms will be a self-inflicted disaster for the Democrats and mark the end of ‘The Great Experiment.’ Try sprucing up your home with window bars and pursuing dual nationality.

Jupiter will retrograde to Pisces in December, but only after successfully drunk-texting to be taken back. This holiday season will be all about ‘hygge’ and string lights on window bars. If you bought an NFT this year, you now have a surefire gift for a white elephant exchange.

Finally, at the dawn of 2023, everyone will get a chance to experience exactly thirty minutes of total peace and quiet as the seventh seal is opened.

Ad astra per aspera!

ARIES: You’re usually somewhat right, even when you’re wrong. Seriously, you still want to argue?

TAURUS: You’re stubborn. No, you are. See? This is exactly what we were all just talking about. Why are you smashing things?

GEMINI: Why choose between being a good twin or an evil twin when you can be both? Because it’s not fooling anyone but you. Pick a lane and signal when you change.

CANCER: I know it’s difficult being so emotionally sensitive that you repress all empathy for others in your pursuit of material security, but would it kill you to try? Well, it was worth a shot.

LEO: Everyone loves you, you know that. But do they love you as much as you love yourself? Stop wondering and demand they do.

VIRGO: We all really appreciate how you correct our imperfections, but maybe if you also spent some time correcting your own, we could…? Okay, no, I got it; never mind, forget I said anything.

LIBRA: You make yourself look attractive to disguise that you’re argumentative for its own sake and have no emotional stake in whatever you stir up. Yes, I suppose it is nice to feel understood.

SCORPIO: Dark, daring, and dangerous. No, that was a compliment! Why are you closing the blinds?

OPHIUCHUS: [shouting from back] She doesn’t even go here!

SAGITTARIUS: Your favorite Greek philosopher is Testicles, and that’s why you follow him everywhere.

CAPRICORN: “Please reference memo: Re: Cancer, but strike ‘emotionally sensitive’.”

AQUARIUS: You’re all about peace, love, and harmony — but mostly inside, where it really counts. Sure, I’m glad we can still be friends.

PISCES: What did I say wrong? I haven’t said anything yet!