Straight Up With a Twist
By Edwin Decker
I received a few moderately angry emails in response to the tone my last column. The emailers believed I was downplaying the mortal dangers of the COVID-19 pandemic.
For the record, I am not against all the measures taken, however I do worry that the harm of these rolling shutdowns may exceed the harm of the virus – not the least of which is relinquishing too much power to government. And shortly after the writing of that column, I had an encounter in a bar and grill that reinforced my concerns.
November 7, 2020 (Red Tier) – With my trusty disposable mask (that I never dispose of) firmly affixed, I asked the hostess if a seat at the bar was available. I knew it was a long shot but the bar is my natural habitat and I really didn’t want to sit alone at a table. As expected, it was full, so she sat me at a shorty in the dining room.
Given its low height, I’m guessing it was a wheelchair table, which wouldn’t normally be a problem if the chairs had been short too. However, all the other tables were cocktail tables, and the only seats available were bar stools. (Whatever, I thought, these are the times in which we live and ordered an Ultra because, you know, I have my modeling career to consider.)
While sitting on my tall stool hunched over my short table taking sips from my tasteless, beer-like beverage, I scoped the bar which was about 15 feet away. (So close and yet so far, I thought.) The counter was about 80 feet wide and occupied by two couples and three individuals, with all groups being separated by 10 or 15 feet each.
To my delight, two of the individuals departed at virtually the same time leaving a wide swath of bar unoccupied. Sweet! I thought and asked the floor manager if I could move there.
“No problem,” he said, so I picked up my beer, coaster, menu and backpack and set up shop at the rightmost stool. Upon arrival, however, the bartender gruffly asserted that I could not sit yet because it needed to be sanitized.
“So sorry,” I said, and pulled my beer, coaster and menu off the bar so he could do a quick spray and wipe after which I could put my stuff back down. But he did not wipe it down. Instead he left to serve a walkup customer, then fiddled with some paperwork, then returned – with me still standing holding my beer, coaster, menu and backpack – and spat, “You need to go back to your seat!”
“I’m confused, I said. “The manager told me it was ok to sit here.”
“I have to sanitize it first!” he blurted.
“No problem, I’m in no hurry,” I said, still holding my beer, coaster, menu and backpack.
“You have to go back to your seat now!” he barked, the contempt in his voice as clear and jagged as Heisenberg’s blue meth.
Resisting the urge to inform him that catching COVID-19 from inanimate surfaces is highly unlikely, I skulked back to the midget table. Five minutes passed, then ten, then fifteen as he moved back and forth, serving some people, stocking items, not busy, just steady, and with plenty of opportunities to do a quick spray and wipe.
I couldn’t help but think he was punishing me for something. I mean, unless Bartendersaurus Rex was planning on douching the underside of the counter, the lower footwall, the purse hooks and the spot on the floor where the previous customer’s Covidian-addled feet were resting – he had plenty to get it prepped. (Such are the times in which we live, I thought), at which point the waitress approached to take my food order. I was going to ask for wings but the idea of hunching over a messy basket of buffalos, at a munchkin table, from a highchair, didn’t sound the least bit relaxing. So I apologized to the server and asked for my tab.
“No worries,” she said, delivered my check, and sped off to take care of a busy dining room.
I knew it would be a while before she could get back to me, and seeing the bartender wasn’t busy in that moment, I approached the – still to be sanitized – bar and, with a little terror on my tongue, asked Captain Grumpy if I could get a pen to close my tab.
He said something inaudible due to the blaring music but assumed it was in the realm of, “Coming right up,” because, well, what other way is there to respond to a customer who needs a pen to close out his tab?
But after about five or more minutes, with no pen being supplied or seemingly sought, I thought maybe he misheard me. So I asked again, “Hey barkeep, can I borrow a pen?”
That was when it got weird.
“I told you,” snapped Dr. Jerkyl, “I can’t hand a pen over the bar! Go back to your seat and I will bring it to you.”
“Sorry man, I didn’t hear you,” I said, and once again slithered back to the kiddie table.
A few minutes later he arrived with the gift of ink and snottily remarked, “Things are different now, I can’t just hand you a pen over the bar.” (I remember thinking, Can’t hand a pen over the bar? Is that really a rule?)
Turns out, it’s not. A guy I know who works told me later that it’s his rule. And yeah, I know, this is a long-winded way to make a point, but this is why I worry. There will always be people who abuse authority. Whether presidents, governors, mayors or bartenders, some people will flaunt whatever power falls into their laps.
And friends, COVID-19 just flopped a lot of power into a lot of people’s laps.
Edwin Decker (of Ocean Beach) is not a licensed therapist or psychologist. In fact, his only qualification is the 25-plus years as a bartender listening to the liver-aching of desperados and dipsomaniacs. Heed his advice at your peril.
Send questions to ed@edwindecker.com
{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }
Is this a serious article? So sorry to hear that you were inconvenienced in a bar, in the middle of a pandemic. Do you realize how selfish you sound?
Perhaps you’ll get some sympathy from the family members of the 250,000 people who have died from this virus?
Man up and do the right thing. It’s people like you, with stories like this, that are fueling and prolonging this pandemic. You only have yourself to blame.
You DO know already Ed’s articles are supposed to be taken with a sense of humor. You know this from his pieces you read in SD City Beat and SLAM before that. And stories like this are not prolonging anything and I have are time believing you truly think that.
The point isn’t about being inconvenienced Sam, the point is about how easy it is for power to go to people’s heads. And with a subtext of, just because times are shitty doesn’t give you license to be rude to people for no reason.
I seem to recall my high school English teacher telling the class something along the lines of “If you have to explain your writing then it probably wasn’t written very well.”
Or you have comprehension issues.
Sam, there is truth to that. But, do you also remember reading the classics and having to analyze what they meant? I was in an advanced place English class with some smart kids and the interpretations varied a lot. And, the teacher always had the “correct” explanation of what the classic authors meant. If the classics have to be so studied, I think the writing of regular people being similarly interpreted, is quite understandable.
You really need to keep better informed. CDC now says virus can live on surfaces up to 10 days. Unless this some kind of joke, or sarcasm that no one gets. You appear to be just another selfish American that puts a slight inconvenience above the health of your country. If everyone just followed the suggestions of the CDC for maybe a month this could be contained, and life could return to somewhat normal quicker.
How you connect this to government control is just flat out stupid.
You already know about his sarcastic sense of humor from his articles in SD City Beat.
There is NOTHING funny about this pandemic and the damage it is doing to lives and the economy in general. Quit being an apologist for this clown.
To quote every comedian everywhere: “too soon!”
I have lost people close to me to Covid, either from the disease itself or from suicide due to depression. Also have friends who are now sleeping in their cars (some of whom my never get back on their feet). I work in a pretty unsafe environment so my chances of getting it are pretty high. Yet none of that means there is no humor to be had. I’ve been reading his columns for years and always enjoyed them so I don’t get people who don’t get him.
Chris, I love your comment. There has to be some humor somewhere or there is no hope. I feel sorry for those who find this impossible to understand but I also feel their pain. After reading your brief story, I feel yours as well, I have been lucky to not have experienced any of that, I admire your attitude..
Thanks Geoff.
I always appreciate humor, especially in “dark” times or about such subject matter. Thanks Chris and Ed.
And the thing is Peter, he wasn’t really joking about the Pandemic itself but rather how people in some position of authority get unnecessary overzealous in some ridiculous scenario. WTF difference would it have made if he would have sat at his table waiting for the bar spot to be cleaned or standing far enough away? And really he wasn’t condemning the manager, just pointing out the absurdity of the whole situation.
As to you suggesting people who find any humor in this whole pandemic situation lack empathy and saying they are repulsive and not human? Including people who have been affected by it but still find humor in it? That’s pretty surprising coming from you of all people. I always thought a lot of the opinions you post on the Rag were often voices of reason. I guess are proof of how different people react to a given situation.
Peter, I find your worldview about humor to be rigid and bad for your health and humanity. For starters, I wasn’t making jokes about the pandemic. It wasn’t like I said, “A priest, a rabbi and a COVID victim walk into a bar . . .” or something.
No, I was making jokes (and a point) about a situation that occurred while existing in a pandemic.
According to your worldview, nobody should be joking about anything at any time because the fact is, all of humanity — through all of time – has existed during a pandemic. Whether it be a virus, or the pandemic of auto accidents (80K per year U.S.), heart disease (425k per year), or alcoholism (88K) – people are dying all around us all the time so what do we do with that? Should we stop making bad driver jokes, should we never make another crack about our hearts exploding after eating a Cinnabon? And say goodbye to any, “A-Guy-Walks-into-a-Bar” jokes because alcoholism is no laughing matter.
Sorry man but our entire existence is a pandemic and we are all infected so we might as well laugh a little. Not doing so will only kill us sooner.
But hey, I get we all have different sensibilities about humor. I can find it in the gravest of times and you apparently cannot. Fine, you may not need to laugh during bleak times but for those of us who do, how about just let us to it without making us feel guilty? How about let us write and read the stuff we want to write and read and you can continue your favorite magazines and newspapers like the No Laughing Matter Times and Humorless Killjoy Gazette.
Um, I did my research, Queen, thanks. The virus mainly spreads through respiratory droplets in the air. And yes, the CDC (and other groups) say it can live on a surface that long, but that does not translate to transmission.
It still needs to go from being on a surface to getting into the bloodstream and that has yet to be shown in any significant number.
From WEBMD – “Emanuel Goldman, PhD, a professor of microbiology, biochemistry, and molecular genetics at the New Jersey Medical School of Rutgers University, ‘Basically, it would take the perfect combination of events Blumberg described to get sick from touching something contaminated with the virus.’
“In late May, the CDC updated its website to say it’s possible, but unlikely, for people to catch the virus this way. Surface transmission may have played a role in two cases.”
They have not changed their position since . . .
From CDC FAQ page
https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/faq.html
“Spread from touching surfaces is not thought to be the main way the virus spreads.”
Hey, Hey, Hey….take it easy on Eddie! All he wanted to do was get a seat at the bar. The floor manager should have directed Grumpy at the bar to clean and polish the area for this customer not give attitude or better yet get out the clean wipes and do it himself.
Where is the place so those of us that want to avoid Mr. Personality do not patronize this spot? Or, maybe the CDC rules will make it shut down and that will take care of that!
I will not take it easy on Eddie. He deserves every hateful comment that will come his way based on this “article.” We all need to do the right thing and follow the guidelines, not whine about not being able to sit at a bar. Grow up people!
Hateful? Hmm… might be some online anger management classes for you Sam :-)
De-fund bartenders who have an attitude!
Poor Sam. So upset at this article.
I was following the guidelines, Sam – followed them all. Even the ones I didn’t know about, when I found out what they were. But c’mon, can’t hand a pen over the bar? What guideline that’s been released says anything like that?
I really don’t want to name the place because, for one thing, that was an anomaly. I don’t want the owners and other employees to suffer because of the actions of one dickhead. Nor do I really want to out him because I’m not intending to cause anybody harm – not even him.
I do appreciate the support though. Do we know each other? Because usually only people who know me call me Eddie. Not that I mind, in fact, I like it, but I rarely am addressed that way by readers.
Thanks Deb (may I call you Deb?)
I concur not appropriate to name the place….
I only know you through reading your posts in City Beat and the many years of you hosting the OB Holiday Auction. You and Mike James crack me up. I had to wear ear plugs when NY Mike was up!
I wish I could find a mask for you that says “all this man wants is a seat at the bar” HA
I would wear that mask, Debbie. And don’t forget to introduce yourself at the next Auction, which I gather will be in 2021 huh?
Wasted space on the Rag.
Why give voice to freaks who think this is government control?
Really, a seat at the bar?
Someone needs to wipe down the Rag to get rid of his virus!
“the harm of these rolling shutdowns may exceed the harm of the virus”
That is where you lost me. This is T??MP propaganda, word for word. I read the last two contributions from this author, and found them pretty logically shaky, but opinion is what the ‘Rag is all about (aside from education and winning the war for the allies) so I gave them a skim, shook my head and went on with my day.
This piece reeks of the kind of moral rot exemplified by the inner circle at the White House, reflected by a callous individual who does not seem to think that a quarter of a MILLION deaths is a mild inconvenience that could be eclipsed in impact by rolling shutdowns.
A pox on this guy, Editor Dude.
Sam, you off all people should know that Edwin Decker is hardly a Trump supporter.
Actually I meant Peter.
I said nothing of the kind. I pointed out that he was regurgitating Trump’s talking point word for word and that based upon that I quit reading.
Applying humor to a grave situation is part of the denial stage of grief, so whatever floats your boat. I personally am repulsed by humor at the sake of mass slaughter. It is just not human.
Peter, you seem like a good person but I think you need to try and relax a little. Humor has it’s place everywhere. Google for how humor had a place in the Nazi death camps. A horrible subject, I agree, but it is interesting.
It is just SHOCKING how quickly everybody stops giggling upon the death of a family member.
If you find room for humor in the death of more than a quarter million of your fellow Americans I condemn you for your lack of empathy.
And Geoff, this is not a time to relax, it is time to mask up and stop being a bunch of petulant babies about responding to a global health emergency that WE are leading.
If you believe that this is not a deadly serious challenge to our government, and that our government has this well in hand, then you do NOT understand the situation.
I told you about people in my life and even the risk I am under in my job but I guess I am officially condemned. What ever will I do?
Peter, No one finds death humorous, but you are focusing one aspect of a whole situation. The possibility of death is what underlies the mood of everyone and what everyone can do. But, there is humor in some of the absurdity the situation creates. Take 7-11 stores. There was a day when seeing someone go into the store wearing a mask was cause for concern. Now everyone going in has one on. There is amusement in that. People driving in their own cars alone with the windows up, wearing a mask. There is amusement in that. The humor comes from it all, none of it comes from actual death.
Then I guess I’m not human. Slap me on the wrist.
You SAY that, but do you believe it?
Actually, it was not a “word for word” bit of Trump propaganda. It was similar, but not word for word. What Trump said was, “the cure is worse than the disease.” And he didn’t coin that phrase, in fact it was Francis Bacon who first said, “The remedy is worse than the disease,” and was repeated many, many times by many different people over the centuries because it’s a very real problem that and there many, many things that can be true about and just because I reiterated a century’s old phrase that Trump also happened to say does not mean I am spouting Trump propaganda.
Wow, what a great illustration of Ed’s point. This is what the pandemic has done. People like Sam, the lizard, and Eric feel completely free to be abusive, insulting, and condescending because they feel they have the moral high ground here. What a crock of shit.
The crazy thing is, if they are “in the know” enough to even be familiar with The Rag, they are “in the know” enough to be familiar with Ed Decker’s ramblings for City Beat. They either enjoy being offended, or are more about being part of a cause than actually reaching the goal of that cause. Virtu signaling at its finest.
Well said, Chris. Some people are attempting to reap some kinds of moral rewards by emphatically expressing the prevailing opinion. Dogmatic positions are inherent failures because nothing is black and white. The only way to get people to work together is to not be dogmatic.
But, the point of Ed’s piece was not all this, it was about power. I enjoy Ed’s writing for the humor and I got his point, made with humor. It seems, from this discussion, that not everyone got the same from the column. Well, the written word is interpreted through our personal lenses. It has always amazed me how two people could read the same thing and have diametrically opposed interpretations of it. Meaning that few writers, however clever, can ever reach them all.
Ed is the point.
Well said, Geoff. thanks!
Pot, meet kettle.
I wouldn’t give this place the time of day.
OMG, who ARE these people hating on Ed Decker?
This was a hilarious piece in an admittedly strange, unsettling and tragic time. Everyone knows many are sick or have died from the ‘rona or have lost friends or loved ones to it and we are all afraid.
But the image of Decker with his backpack and strange beer sitting in a tall chair alone at a weird little table, eying the comfort of a vacant seat at the bar, was very human and very funny. I am grateful to laugh out loud at ANYTHING these days. Ed Decker’s righteous churlish critics have massively missed the point of his story.
People lack a sense of humor and are kinda dumb. The irony being they know who he is and his schtick. They are more about virtu signaling than they are about a solution to the cause. I’ve been reading his columns for years and always found him funny. Also I get sort of a morbid pleasure seeing the angry reactions from people who are offended by him.
I have a story that sort of drives Ed’s point home. Back in May I went to Ralph’s in Hillcrest. I parked, got out of my care and headed towards the entrance to the store. As I got to a basket, a women creamed at me why I wasn’t waring a mask. I put my hand on my face and realized I brain farted and forgot to put it on. I told her oops and headed back to my vehicle to retrieve it. She actually followed me recoding me on her phone and lecturing me the whole time about “maskholes”. I got into my vehicle and grabbed the mask out of the compartment, put it on and headed back to the front of the store. She was following and recording me the whole time going into an emotional tirade about people not wearing masks. No matter how much I told her to just calm down, it was a brain fart on my part she just got angrier. Finally the snarky in my came out and I asked her if she was free for dinner and she just went ballistic. She informed me she was going to notify the manager (yeah Karen!!). I decided to go to Trader Joe’s next door. While I feel sorry for her, at the same time I can’t help but find some comedy in her. She’s got issues that far exceed the pandemic.
Loved that you asked her out for dinner!!!!
She didn’t accept LOL!!
Yup, Chris – exactly my point. People like the Queen Lizard can’t understand how I was connecting this to government control – that maybe even I am suggesting some sort of conspiracy. I am not. I was merely saying that some people – some of them who already have great power – will “not waste a crisis” and become even more authoritative.
Patriot Act anyone?
The bar story, like your mask story, is just a microcosm of a real problem.
Thanks for defending me. Some people have no sense of humor.
You’re welcome Ed.
You handled the situation much better than I would have. The dinner invitation was perfect.
Editor Dude, I meant car, not care lol.
Having just come out of two months’ lockdown here in Oz, I suspect that many of the comments here reflect that with lockdowns, restrictions , some people having lost their jobs, work from home when possible rules etc etc, lots of people have too much spare time on their hands. That plus everybody has a shit day now and then, and a lot of peole have had more than a few lately. Boredom + financial problems + anxiety – – > attack someone.
Well hell, I picked up on the ironic humor immediately, but then I’ve always been a fan of George Carlin and Frank Zappa…both of whom can be extremely subtle…or not. And from reading his scribbles here it’s pretty obvious there’s a similar vein Edward is tapping into. I for one appreciate the writing even though the only reason I go in bars is to play music, and this type have been around forever in various forms, right?
I’ve been reading a bit about what is being labeled ‘Pandemic Fatigue’ and the emotional responses that are showing up in the general population. Worse for the docs & nurses who go to work every day and see people die, every freaking day multiple deaths in front of them with patients angrily yelling at them as they die that it isn’t Covid, that’s a hoax. Then they die. Can you imagine?
I see signs of it in this thread’s responses and also when I’ve gone off the property to town in the last few weeks. People are driving more snippy, cutting one another off with middle fingers raised, tempers are flaring in store parking lots or in the few grocery stores I have walked into this last few weeks. Parents are being much less patient with their children, or with their dogs on leashes for that matter. Friends have called or emailed to talk, so I’m hearing what they are seeing, too, and they have stories about the same.
Yeah, the isolation alone is something our species has always used on one another as a punishment. Time out for preschoolers. Detention in schools. Prison cells, to the hell of solitary confinement for political prisoners for years. It grates on us like a cheese grater and we subconsciously react to it by lashing out, and the worse part is we didn’t do anything to deserve it, right? Remember when you were a kid and got in trouble, smacked and sent off to purgatory and YOU DIDN’T DO IT? Remember how you felt? That us, now, all of us.
And we’ve got at least another year or more before we may break into the sunshine on this. Then add in…all the rest of the crap that’s going on. Be glad you aren’t in Nicaragua with two monster Katrina-sized hurricanes in two weeks…imagine how snippy their bossy types are.
Keep your humor going, that’s the ticket! And, like the weekly Tom Tomorrow and Jen Sorensen’s cartoons I see in my email, we need it more than ever. And yes, there are two dead on my Covid list, one I taught to snowboard back in the 90s when she was in high school with my stepkids…she was just 39. With kids. And I’ve just added another friend to the multiple names ‘still sick’ list who is continuing to suffer after she and the family officially ‘recovered.’ With 18 days in-house county mandated quarantine-the fevers persisted in all of them- and after two weeks since she is still getting hit by blinding headaches, sharp aching body pains out of nowhere, can’t taste or smell anything, very short of wind, and just zero energy to do much of anything but she still had to go back to work. They have a mortgage and bills, right? And her teen daughter is having some of these effects, too, but had to go back to school. The husband for some reason, had a very mild case. And yes our schools are open with kids in them up here in the red side of Washington State. Limited but they are in classrooms. I’m like…really? Is this Medieval Europe?
I sent her a couple of cartoons yesterday and she called me up laughing saying she needed that. Laughing-gasping actually, that went into a cough but it was good to hear the smile on her face anyway.
We all need more of this I think.
sealintheSelkirks
Both George Carlin and Frank Zappa voted against Trump.
Sorry, Edwin. I was thinking of a Covid sick friend named Edward.
sealintheSelkirks
Jeez, I thought opening day at the track was a tough gig but this writer one is rough, Eduardo! Seriously Captain Grumpy Pants did you a favor not cleaning off that bar space. You were better off sitting in the high chair by yourself a the kid table than to be exposed to that venomous attitude which is far more contagious than even the Roma! I must say the careful maneuvering of the awkward set up with wings would impair the tendency to devour bar wings which as a professional dieter, eating slowly, so the 20 minute lag of your stomach signaling to your brain to stop stuffing your face, is a good thing! I can tell by your picture that your modeling career is just around the corner, not to be confused with Trump’s “turning to corner,” lest I be accused of being a Trumpette which I definitely am NOT! Any woo, you look great and sending you love…after all the hate, sheesh! Keep ruffling those feathers, it’s entertaining, a sense of humor is mandatory though. ?????
I knew it, Lynne. You love Trump! LOL.
Frankly, I think opening day at the track must be harder. Hope you’re well
Well, you did it, you managed to start a war over a pen.
But in all honesty, I think that people here are either missing the point or being willfully ignorant of it. Is it the end of the world that Ed was unable to sit at the bar? No. Does the bartender withholding a pen count as government corruption? Obviously not, and that wasn’t the point. Ed is simply pointing out how people are abusing the power given to them in the pandemic. If a bartender EVER talked to a customer like that pre-covid, they would already be nailed to a yelp cross and canceled. But due to the changing social landscape, Dr. Dickwad was able to be extremely disrespectful and Ed couldn’t contest without looking like the bad guy. If bartenders are abusing what little social power they have been granted, imagine what a rouge president or governor could do.
Y’all need to learn to laugh more.
Great one Ed! I get it, the world is a very different place now. The observations, interactions, and dialogue we would typically poke fun at, suddenly contain a grave element to which is perpetuated by the nonsensical idiosyncrasies of pandemic etiquette. It’s almost like all of our jokes have to wear a facemask to be funny (pro-facemask btw). Pandemic etiquette is a set of manners that we are all learning as we go and no one should be reprimanded for daring to sit at an unsanitized open bar seat. The pandemic restaurant/bar rules in CA have changed regularly, without a set standard, or oversight. You’re not the asshole, but at what point is it reasonable to be in the hospitality business, when you can no longer be hospitable? The severity of COVID-19 does not escape me, but neither does the absurdity of this interaction. Two things are very obvious to me:
1) Control of the COVID-19 pandemic along with restrictions to control the spread, have not been handled correctly and continue to be haphazard with no end in sight.
2) Your critics and certain bartenders need to stop taking themselves so seriously.
Wings and shots on me next time we run into each other buddy! Great work, love the new column.