Straight-up With a Twist

by on August 28, 2020 · 22 comments

in Ocean Beach

By Edwin Decker

Dear Ed, recently my band was offered a lot of money to use one of our songs in a commercial for a new energy drink trying to crash the SoCal market. Half the band feels like this would be selling out and the other half say we need money more than we need dignity. Can you break the tie for us?

~The Keyboardist’s Left Hand

Thanks for the email KLH. I don’t think this is necessarily a choice between dollars and dignity. There is a big difference between selling out and simply selling and I do not see anything undignified about licensing a song to sell a product that doesn’t betray the moral sensibilities of the song in question. Now if, say, a vegan activist band sells their protest anthem, “Can’t You Hear the Baby Chickens Weep?” to Foster Farms—that would be selling out.

I’m reminded of when Tom Waits was asked why he doesn’t permit advertisers to license his music. He replied, “Commercials are an unnatural use of my work. . . It’s like having a cow’s udder sewn to the side of my face. Painful and humiliating.”

One of the things I dig about this quote is that he doesn’t denigrate other artists for doing so. He simply points out that it would be a bad fit for him. So yeah, unless you are Tom Waits— or some anti-corporate, anarchist punk outfit with song titles like, “Energy Drinks Are Made From the Piss of Capitalist Pigs”— I think you should go for it.

And by the way, it’s not just money we’re talking about. There is also exposure. Which, yes, leads to money. But having more people listening to, and enjoying, your music is reward unto itself. I’ll never forget the television commercial that introduced me, and a million others, to Nick Drake.

It was a Volkswagen ad in which could be heard the late singer’s drippingly wistful song, “Pink Moon” as a group of friends in a convertible Cabrio meander along a coastal road on a bluey, moonlight drive. No narrator, no dialogue, just gorgeous imagery and motion set to the music of the second-best singer/songwriter of the 20th century. I bought all of Nick Drake’s albums when I saw that. Though, it should be mentioned, not a single Cabrio.

Dear SWAT, I recently started drinking blended drinks and have come to notice that bartenders tend to make them weak. Why do they do this and should I complain? . . . Or maybe I should just stop ordering strawberry daiquiris altogether?

~Anonymous (because I don’t want my friends to know I am secretly drinking strawberry daiquiris)

Dear Anon, I believe that your observation is accurate. Not so much with margaritas, but when it comes to coladas and daiquiris, I have certainly seen many bartenders go light on the booze. In fact, one of the bartenders who trained me told me not to put any alcohol in blended drinks. She said I should just wave the bottle over the blender to give the appearance of a pour. Her reasoning? “People who drink fufu drinks aren’t real drinkers because the sweetness masks the taste of alcohol.”

I believed her at first. I was young and dumb, but had an epiphany not long after. It was during a trip to Rosarito with about 10 friends. We were at a beach cantina that was running a two-dollar Piña Colada special. As I recall, none of us were big on blendeds, but two bucks— even if weak— was a deal we couldn’t pass up.

Well the drinks weren’t weak. They were at least doubles, if not triples (you got to love that Baja pour) and a great and holy buzz was caught by all. I learned three things that day. The first, was that I effing love Piña Coladas and to Hell with anyone who doesn’t count it as a “real” drink. The second was that a customer who orders a sweet, blended drink might very well want it robust. I know my friends and I did. And the fact that sugar masks the taste of alcohol is reason to pour more rum, not less.

That said, you can’t just ask the bartender to, “Make it strong” because all he or she will hear is, “Give me free shit.” My recommendation is to order a double on the first round and drop a hefty tip. It will send the message that you are here to drink– fufu notwithstanding– and that you are happy to pay for extra booze. After that you should be able to order singles and get your fair share of the good stuff. If the bartender short-pours again, consider ordering a different drink, or keep ordering doubles, or leave. Whichever you decide, don’t tip. Any bartender who intentionally stiffs you on the alcohol deserves the favor returned. Yeah, I said it.

Edwin Decker (of Ocean Beach) is not a licensed therapist or psychologist. In fact, his only qualification is the 25-plus years as a bartender listening to the liver-aching of desperados and dipsomaniacs. Heed his advice at your peril.

Send questions to ed@edwindecker.com

 

{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Frank Gormlie Frank Gormlie August 28, 2020 at 9:51 am

Please welcome Edwin Decker as a new OB Rag monthly columnist. As an OBcean Ed used to write for the now defunct City Beat and every annual Christmas auction, he can be heard as one of the auctioneers. Take his advice at your peril!

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Avatar Debbie August 28, 2020 at 11:04 am

What great news for the rag that Edwin Decker is on board!

Miss City Beat and all those great writers.

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Frank Gormlie Frank Gormlie August 28, 2020 at 11:32 am

At the end of CB’s life, Ed was the only writer worth reading.

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Avatar bobo August 28, 2020 at 11:05 am

Take the money you starving, idealistic musicians! Who knows the next time someone will pay you to do something you’ve trained for years to refine and master. Unless you don’t want to be a professional in that field. If not, send the advertisers to me so that I can sucker them into liking my songs.

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Avatar edwin decker August 29, 2020 at 10:54 am

Yup, exactly Bobo!

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Avatar Jon Carr August 28, 2020 at 12:09 pm

What an awesome treat to pull up the rag this morning and see Ed Decker writing a column! More of this please.

This reminds me of the greatest Kids In The Hall episode ever, ‘Girl Drink Drunk.’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C4TGGtPzBU

Ed – I’ll buy you a double squashed strawberry alley cat next time I see you if we’re ever let out again.

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Avatar edwin decker August 29, 2020 at 10:53 am

Thanks John! That KIH episode was hilarious. I thought I saw all their shows but I somehow missed that one. Looking forward to that Alley Cat man, thanks!

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Avatar unwashed WalmartThong August 28, 2020 at 9:45 pm

OK, this guy I can read, but I’ll need two more beers, some beef jerky and maybe a pedicure.

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Frank Gormlie Frank Gormlie August 29, 2020 at 10:57 am

Hey unwashed! How about a free subscription if you begin writing a column for us with all your wit and brainy sophism. Serious.

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Avatar Jeffeck August 29, 2020 at 4:17 pm

I met John Lydon (Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols) once. Someone gave him a dollar to sign for an autograph. He put it in his pocket and said to the fan “it’s money” and walked away. Moral to the story: when musicians are offered money, take it!

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Avatar Chris August 29, 2020 at 5:48 pm

Welcome to The Rag Ed!!!

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Avatar edwin decker August 30, 2020 at 9:40 am

Thanks Chris!

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Avatar Josh Board August 29, 2020 at 6:44 pm

It’s great to see this column back. It was, literally, the only thing worth reading in CityBeat. His sense of humor (and great advice) is always a fun read. Dear Abby can shove it!!!!
Regarding “selling out” Iggy Pop was given a hard time for Lust for Life being used in 3 different commercials. He said something like “Look, I didn’t write it to sell Nikes or Pepsi, but if they want to pay me a million bucks to use it, I’d be a fool not to take that.” Seems like sound logic for a Stooge. And, like Ed states, I’ve been turned on to a handful of musicians over the years because of commercials (anybody hear the great Kinks song “Same Time Tomorrow” in a car commercial lately? It turned a lot of folks on to Ray Davies genius).

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Avatar edwin decker August 30, 2020 at 9:59 am

I love that song Josh (FYI, it’s “This” time tomorrow). It’s one of my favorite Kinks tunes from one of my favorite Kinks albums – Lola vs The Powerman and the Moneygoround. Or is it Lola and The Powerman Vs. The Moneygoround? Hmm, I forget and I’m too lazy to look it up right now.

Your comment made me think about other bands I discovered through commercials. “Are You Gonna be My Girl” was one of them by Jet was one of them. I think it was an iTunes ad. There was also “1,2,3,4” by Feist also in an Apple commercial. Of course, I’ve known and loved Johnny Cash loooong before the Choice Hotels ad featured “I’ve Been Everywhere” but it was the first time I heard the song, which opened the door to the album it came from – Unchained – and the whole American Recordings package of which it was a part. Some of the best Cash songs ever are in that set.

I’m also embarrassed to admit that I bought the Trio CD after hearing the “Da Da Da” song in a Volkswagen ad. Only listened to it once though as there was nothing else interesting on it lol

But above all it was Nick Drake, and this Cabrio commercial, I remember most, and best

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Avatar unwashedWalmartThong August 29, 2020 at 10:23 pm

I have found it very odd for many decades that anyone would actually pay to see a person, Iggy Pop, act like a scalded slug on stage. He’s on my list of discounted musicians; it’s a short list, but he’s at the top.

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Peter Peter from South O August 30, 2020 at 12:05 pm

Iggy would say “blah, blah, blah. Personal taste in Punk is a wide spectrum indeed. Say what you will, but Iggy Pop and his varied Stooges were seminal elements of the NYC Punk scene, performing for free a LOT at CBGB.
My Connecticut roots are showing. Need to get wet.

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Avatar edwin decker September 1, 2020 at 6:24 pm

FYI, I’m doing a little online reading and Q and A tomorrow night. It’s for a show called Viral Poetry. It’ll be short. Starts at 7pm and I go on right away.

Here’s the link to the channel. You don’t need to sign in unless you want to comment and stuff during the reading which is encouraged.

twitch.tv/puna_press_live

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Avatar Fred Skat September 24, 2020 at 2:14 pm

Back to telling people not to tip again, Ed? If you order a fruity drink and can’t taste the alcohol it doesn’t mean there is less than there should be in there. It means you ordered a sweet drink and, depending on the size of the glass it’s served in and the type and flavor of liquor in the drink, a standard pour might not pop like a professional drinker might want it to. Telling people to order doubles is the correct advice. Telling them to order singles after that and expect they get hooked up and to not tip if they don’t is not. As usual your entitlement turns both my stomach and my eyeballs. I know we’ve had this conversation before, but you don’t get to not tip on a drink if the bartender doesn’t overpour for you after your first big tip. Just like you don’t get to not tip if they don’t flirt with you or even thank you. Those aren’t the rules of the tipping system. Idk why Frank thought it was a good idea to give a sexist, racist, entitled white male boomer a freaking advice column as if there’s some shortage of platforms for that contingent, but I’m truly disappointed in the OB Rag.

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Avatar edwin decker September 25, 2020 at 12:09 pm

Oh hey there “Fred” (which we both know is not your name) it seems as though you did not read, or at least comprehended, my column because at no point did I suggest that bartenders should put EXTRA booze in a blended drink. I said they should put the correct amount, same that would go in any other drink.

Being a long time bartender and boozer, I know full well that it’s harder to taste the liquor in blended and/or sweet drinks. But if a full shot is poured you can still taste it. Sure, not nearly as much as a short whiskey coke, but that’s not the issue. The issue is the actual amount of the pour, which is a specific measurement.

As you probably know, it doesn’t matter what kind of drink is ordered–whether a shot, or a rocks, martini, highball cocktails, chimneys, shakens, blends, whippeds or whatever, the amount of alcohol to be poured in those drinks — with a few specialty exceptions — is on average 1.5 ounces, also known as a shot. And since the barkeep is making the drink right in front of me, I can see how much booze is going in the blender. I know the difference between a full pour and a short pour.

So show me where in the column I said that the customer should get more than a shot when ordering a blended drink? What I said repeatedly is that we should not receive less. And I have come across many a snobby bartender in my pouring days who felt as though people who drink blended drinks don’t want or deserve the full shot and it is to those people I directed my criticism.

Take this sentence from the column:

“. . . but when it comes to coladas and daiquiris, I have certainly seen many bartenders go light on the booze”

For the life of me I don’t understand how you do not know “going light” means pouring less than 1.5 ounces and not a demand for extra.

Or this: “My recommendation is to order a double on the first round and drop a hefty tip. . . After that you should be able to order singles and get your fair share of the good stuff.”

Since when does “fair share” mean “overpour”?

As for your contemptible allegation of racism and misogyny, shame on you. You don’t know me, and to declaratively state that I fear and hate women, and that I fear and hate people of color, is beyond disgusting. This is how you operate? You smear me as a monster in order to shut me up simply because we disagree about something? No evidence of course – but hey, who has time to corroborate when you’ve got a witch hunt to organize.

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Avatar edwin decker September 25, 2020 at 12:22 pm

Oh, and as for this line – “. . . you don’t get to not tip on a drink if the bartender doesn’t overpour for you after your first big tip. Just like you don’t get to not tip if they don’t flirt with you or even thank you. . . ”

Again, I never said that! I said if the customers get shorted (as in less than 1.5 ounces) on first drink, order a double to send the message (without complaining) that you are here to do some drinking. THEN, on the next single drink, if you still don’t get a full, fair 1.5 ounce shot – even after overtipping and ordering doubles previously – then you are getting ripped off. I never suggested the singles should be any stronger than actual 1.5 singles.

Jesus, you really need to work on your comprehension skills.

Same as how I never said a bartender must flirt with me if I give a big tip. That’s utterly ridiculous. I said I thought bartenders should say thank you for a tip – thank you is not flirting, it’s common courtesy – something you wildly protested. Try to spend less time making up reasons to hate me and more time reading and comprehending the actual words I actually wrote.

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sealintheSelkirks sealintheSelkirks September 26, 2020 at 1:38 am

I don’t drink alcohol of any kind preferring to partake of my homegrown garden but I sure have spent enough hours of my life playing music in bars to understand what he’s saying, and am clearheaded enough to read how he wrote it. Frank, I like this guy’s style of rebuttal…

sealintheSelkirks

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Avatar Geoff Page September 26, 2020 at 1:24 pm

Oh, I just have to ask, why don’t you drink alcohol of any kind, seal? Seems you’re making a point with the wording “of any kind.”

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