“Lots of Iraqi kids up here” says Christina-Taylor Green in email from Heaven

by on February 3, 2011 · 8 comments

in Are You Kidding?, Satire

Christina-Taylor Green, 9, was one of six people killed by gunfire in the Tucson massacre. (The Arizona Republic)

In an email recently reviewed by The OB Rag, nine-year-old Tucson shooting victim Christina-Taylor Green confirmed that she is in Heaven and described life on the other side of the Pearly Gates.

“I’ve been learning lots of games from the Middle East, because there’s lots of Iraqi kids up here,” Green wrote. “They’re everywhere in the elementary schools.”

The email was forwarded by God to major religious leaders and select media outlets, including The OB Rag. God didn’t add any text but included the subject line “from Christina-Taylor FYI.”

Tucson shopping center where a gunman allegedly shot nine people, killing six of them. (Associated Press)

In the email, Green, who was one of six people killed in a shopping mall parking lot in Tucson in January, explains that adults who arrive in Heaven get to choose how old they want to be for eternity, but that kids have to finish school and earn a college degree first.

“The school system is awesome, with a 12-to-1 student-to-teacher ratio and nutritionists overseeing the cafeterias, which serve breakfast and lunch,” Green wrote. “It’s like everybody gets to go to Sidwell Friends.”

In Baghdad, two-year-old Ali Hussein is pulled from the rubble of his family’s home, one of four destroyed by U.S. missiles. (Karim Kadim/Associated Press)

Green noted that, like her, most of the children in her school died preventable deaths.

“The American kids were almost all killed by guns, mainly in the inner cities,” Green said in the email. “But the kids from Iraq were killed all over their country, by American missiles and insurgent bombs and all kinds of other crazy stuff.”

The total count of Iraqis killed since the U.S.-led invasion in 2003 is hotly debated, but observers seem to agree that the number of children who have perished is at least in the tens of thousands.

“The kids in Heaven from Iraq don’t really have hard feelings towards the U.S.,” Green wrote in the email. “They realize that many Americans opposed the war and even spoke out against it, at least at first.”

Green said children from the most impoverished countries tend to take longer to come to terms with the Western world.

“Many of the sub-Saharan Africa children died because they didn’t have access to basic vaccines,” Green wrote. “So when they look down and see people spending $300 on sunglasses, understandably, they get a little upset.”

Green wrote that like every new arrival in Heaven, she was greeted personally by God.

The aftermath of a bomb blast in Baghdad. (Khalid Mohammed/Associated Press)

“I had to wait around for a few minutes while God was coming to meet me, and when He got there, He kept apologizing for being late,” Green said in the email. “I guess He had just been welcoming a big Pakistani family whose car had been exploded by a Predator drone.”

Green said God explained that each person in Heaven sees the place differently based on their personal belief system.

U.S. troops order a woman holding a child out of a house in Iraq. (David Guttenfelder/Associated Press)

“God seems really nice,” Green added.

Green said her favorite part of her new school was how she and the other kids could ask any deceased public figures, whether in Heaven or Hell, to deliver a guest lecture to the class.

“I asked if we could invite a president, like Ronald Reagan,” wrote Green, who aspired to run for government office when she grew up. “The teacher said that we’d have to wait until the elevator was fixed.”

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Ernie McCray February 3, 2011 at 10:49 am

From what I hear the elevator has been out of service for a while.


Frank Gormlie February 3, 2011 at 10:58 am

What? Ronald Reagan in hell????? Just because he led the “counter-revolution” and tried to undo everything that was accomplished in the Sixties and Seventies? Just because he urged a “blood bath” to deal with unruly students protesting Nixon’s invasion of Cambodia in 1970? C’mon, now, be reasonable. Let’s name the Coronado Bridge after him.


Ernie McCray February 3, 2011 at 11:39 am

Yeah, that’s the spirit and the OB Pier!!! And while we’re at it: let’s name hell after him! Reagan Land!


barbara February 4, 2011 at 6:56 am

Shane, your writing is developing such amazing depth! I look forward to each new piece.


Martha February 4, 2011 at 8:34 am

That’s IT, we’ll name Hell after Ronald Reagan!

Shane — this made me cry. VERY creative way to express an extremely important point. Thank You.


Old Hermit Dave February 4, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Awesome read Shane, nice to see not just old men but younger men yelling FIRE in the crowded theater of the human mind.


A.W. Maris February 5, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Shane, You have left me speechless [in silent meditation]- Allison


gerda February 7, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Shane — very powerful; I am sending this to everyone I know…congratulations on a well written piece — I also look forward to your next one. Keep up the good work. We need voices like yours.


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