Halloween Scare: Meg Whitman came to OB – not to buy a surfboard but – to buy the community.

Meg Whitman meeting with OB leaders discussing the purchase of the community. (Photo by Jim Grant)

During Meg Whitman’s Halloween visit to San Diego today – Sunday, October 31st – we have learned that she will push her offer to actually buy the community of  Ocean Beach to local leaders.

During Whitman’s visit to Ocean Beach earlier in the week, much was made of her stop at a local OB surf shop to buy a surfboard and telephone the governor of Texas over a wager involving the World’s Series.  Whitman was supposedly wagering the surfboard for a pair of Texan boots over the victor of the baseball games. But this was just the spin of why she really was here.

According to secret correspondence that the OB RAG has received, the story about her wager was just a subterfuge of the real reason the gubernatorial candidate made a stop in this seaside village.

The real reason Meg Whitman was in OB, according to these documents, was to hold a secret meeting with leaders of the community and make an offer to purchase Ocean Beach.  Today – Halloween – she is supposed to contact these leaders and press her case for the purchase.

During her meeting with town leaders, Meg Whitman made the following offers:  She pledged that if the leaders allowed her to buy the community, lock, stock, and barrel, she promised the following:

• She would completely fund the Ocean Beach fire station for two years – and then privatize the firefighting operations, handing them over to a partnership between Halliburton and British Petroleum – after the spectacular firefighting abilities of this corporate duo were on display during the recent Gulf oil rig disaster ;

• Paramedics: she would immediately farm out paramedical activity to Blue Shield;

• Police services will be upgraded with a new infusion of funds from the Meg Whitman estate; two additional helicopters will be provided, two police watchtowers will be installed at the beach with one installed at Robb Field;

• Meg promised to completely fund lifeguard services – and build a new, spiffy 3 story Lifeguard Station, with brand new (paid) public restrooms; after one year, lifeguard services would be privatized to Xe (formerly known as Black Water);

• Fire rings would also be completely funded by Ms. Whitman; covers and a cash deposit machine would be installed on each one – similar to paid parking lots;

• The Ocean Beach Recreation Center would be renamed the Meg Whitman Gymnasium; no improvements would be made for a decade except for a new sign over the front door. The public will be able to use the gym through paid memberships; however no meeting space will be provided community groups; senior citizens showing up for the weekly breakfast programs will be referred to that nice lady who feeds the homeless every Monday;

• The ancient OB Elementary School would be torn down after one year, and replaced with a shiny new, four-story educational complex renamed the Meg Whitman Ed Center. The new Center will be privatized and managed by Senator Rand Paul’s Center for the Reintegration of Education and Religion; religious classes will be held everyday and every student must attend; school texts will be replaced by new books authorized by the Texas Education Department; any references to evolution or civil rights will be carefully excised in the new texts, and the role of corporations in saving America will be greatly enhanced; Learning Business classes will start in Grade One.

• The sandy beaches of Ocean Beach will be also preserved as a community resource; ropes and private guards will be placed at all beach entrances, and the public will have very limited access (as the public simply is too careless in littering and engaging in other destructive behavior); card-carrying members of the Special Friends of Meg  Club will have access 24/7 however.

• All unions of firefighters, lifeguards, paramedics, city workers, police officers and teachers will be prohibited;

In return for all these funds, upgrades and other improvements to the community of Ocean Beach, OB residents, merchants, and property owners would pledge to abide by Meg Whitman’s “Citizen Protection Regulations”:

• Ocean Beach – as part of the Meg Whitman Corporation – will be governed by the Board of Directors, with Whitman as head of the Board; Board members are appointed by the Chair;

• All residents and citizens will be prohibited from voting in national, state, County, or San Diego elections;

• Taxes for all citizens or local businesses that make over $5Million will be greatly reduced;

• Poor members of the community will only be allowed on Medical, Welfare, and Social Security for two years max; there will be no unemployment insurance allowed; if one cannot afford to live in OB, there’s always the highway; no homeless will be allowed absolutely;

• All entryways into the community will have Drive-thru Drug Test Centers; no one with a positive test will be allowed to enter the community;

• Any person with gay or lesbian tendencies will have to make full disclosures to the Board of Directors, and will be required to hang crimson ribbons on their front doors;

• Non-married persons will not be allowed to purchase condoms or other birth control;

• Abortions, of course, will be strictly forbidden;

• Gun-shooting practice will be allowed in the Sand Dunes of Dog Beach Reserve;

• Surveillance cameras will be installed at major intersections, on high buildings, on the OB Pier, in each parking lot, in the halls of the new Meg Whitman Ed Center, at each lifeguard station, outside major markets and every liquor store.  The cameras will be monitored by personnel from BlackWater, the Coast Guard, and select members of the Special Friends of Meg Club.

(We have also learned that Ms. Whitman was sending out feelers on job prospects with the producer of “Terriers,” hoping to land the part of a “right-wing politician” on an upcoming episode)

However, despite these pledges and promises by Meg Whitman to the leaders of Ocean Beach, the secret correspondence that has been made available to us shows that there was a nearly unanimous rejection of Ms. Whitman’s offer. That outside just a couple members of the Ocean Beach Town Council, most leaders soundly rejected the candidates plan to develop a company town here in our community.

So, we say to you Ms Whitman, take your millions elsewhere. It’s too bad you didn’t use the $150 Million you spent on your campaign to really help the people of California.  The people and the leadership of Ocean Beach – or most of it – have one answer to you:

Meg Out of OB!