NSA Spy – the Most Boring Pointless Job in the World?

by on January 29, 2014 · 6 comments

in American Empire, Civil Disobedience, Civil Rights, Media, War and Peace, World News

NSA bird n protestersBy Marc Snelling

In the ongoing international debate over NSA spying there are few voices of reason. The NSA would like you to think they are the eye on the pyramid of the great seal. An all-seeing all-knowing department of the most powerful government on earth. A division of James Bonds and Bondettes with the latest gadgetry spying on all manner of digital communication to protect the world from the scariest terrorist de jour.

On the other side of the same coin are the whistle blowers like Edward Snowden. He has now joined the ranks with Julian Assange and the Wikileaks hacktivists. They fancy themselves a gang of revolutionaries striking fear in the heart of evil government ‘leaders’, and corporate CEOs. Digital warriors, exercising their superior-hacking skills to bring nefarious secrets into the light of day. The truth is not nearly as sexy as the media, the NSA, or the hacktivists would have you believe.

Cheney asleepIn reality NSA spies are cubicle-dwelling keyboard jockeys not tuxedo-wearing international men of mystery. They are people who like the hacktivists have devoted inordinate amounts of their life to learning a technology. A technology that may have important applications but still represents a small part of a full life. Making room in your brain for all this tech knowledge requires clearing out junk like interpersonal skills and a social life, even personal hygiene. More like Dilbert than James Bond.

Collecting data is the easy part, the hard part is finding someone who can read it without going into a coma. This is where the job descends into one of the most pointless and mind-numbing ventures imaginable. Since the NSA can read my texts, tweets, and emails they know the wife wants me to stop on the way home to get milk, eggs, and a pack of Marlboro Lights. (NSA if you are reading can you please text later and remind me so I don’t forget?)

Julian Assange wikileaks

Julian Assange

Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange, much like the NSA spy-clones seems to fancy himself as a sexy international man of mystery. In reality he is a self-important, arrogant, accused rapist. I haven’t seen every Bond movie, but I don’t think James was ever brought up on rape charges. Even if it’s just a smear it’s one that sticks to him because of his personality. And just like the NSA he claims his power from the hundreds of thousands of government documents he is able to leak on ‘his’ site. Trying to actually read these documents is an exercise as equally boring and pointless as the work of the NSA.

What about Edward Snowden you might ask. Is he not important because the government stripped his passport and wants him dead? Not so much. The people who inflate his importance by wishing to see him dead in a ditch are those same NSA geeks who only think that way due to their own inflated sense of self-importance. His revelations about spying may have been shocking to some and launched an international debate. Yet to anyone who works in Information Technology or has stopped to think about how technology works it’s no surprise.

Snelling pic hack 01The whole point of digital technology is the ability to store and search data. It’s more efficient. Anyone old enough to remember library card catalogs and the Dewey Decimal System can attest to this. Of course the government uses this ability, everyone does; garages, grocery stores, Google. Garages subscribe to searchable online databases now, they don’t order countless Haynes paper repair manuals. Groceries collect as much data as possible through their discount cards. Google has made a business out of nothing but collecting data.

Google CEO Larry Page says transparency and data security are:

“undermined by the wholesale collection of data in secret and without independent oversight, by many governments around the world.”  ‘That’s our business goddamnit!’

According to Brad Smith, General Counsel, and Executive VP at Microsoft:

“People won’t use technology they don’t trust. Governments have put this trust at risk, and governments need to help resolve it.”  ‘You are cutting into our profits margins dumbasses!’

For all Bill Gates’ faults he does make some astute observations. He once said:

“The first rule of any technology used in a business is that automation applied to an efficient operation will magnify the efficiency. The second is that automation applied to an inefficient operation will magnify the inefficiency.”

There is no business in the world more inefficient than the US Government. All the technology at the NSA’s disposal has only magnified this inefficiency. The revelation on the Steven Colbert show that the NSA spies on the World of Warcraft online game chat is a prime example. Government contractors getting a six figure salary to play Warcraft. Wow! It is a detestable waste, but you have to give those guys some credit for figuring out a way to get that kind of money for playing games. What kid wouldn’t dream of that job? I know I did.

For many years I actively worked towards a job like this. I became a Systems Administrator in the mid-nineties. Even back then it was obvious how easy it was to spy on people. Want to read every email from a company employee containing the word sex? Just log into the email server and run a ‘cat mail | grep sex’ command.

By the early 2000s I was a secret-cleared systems administrator for the Defense Department. In the same loop as Snowden I was considering a CIA job that required a ‘lifestyle polygraph’ as part of the interview. What questions could they ask to prevent a Snowden? ‘Do you have integrity or a conscience?’ ‘Yes? ! Oh sorry you aren’t CIA material.’ I could have become Snowden. I owe a debt of gratitude to George Bush and the Supreme Court for saving me from that fate.

Living in OB in the early oughts I witnessed the death of American democracy that was the 2000 ‘election’. I remember it vividly. My neighbor came to my door despondent after the Supreme Court decision, desperate for someone to talk to. We didn’t even get along but we were both so appalled we needed any company. Soon after that I quit my systems admin job to attend and organize demonstrations. My tech skills refocused on healthcare and small business as a means to support my organizing efforts, and I never looked back. Thanks George! If it wasn’t for you I would be holed up in Moscow right now with nowhere to go but Equador.

The comical nature of what the NSA is trying to do is not lost on everyone. Projects like ScareMail endeavor to game the system by embedding ‘scary’ keywords into all your emails. Seemingly the goal is to overload the NSA with fake suspicious data. As if they don’t have enough already. I’m not sure exactly what phrases NSA programs like Prism are designed to detect. Perhaps a fake email like this: ‘Dear Osama Bin Laden, Please meet me at the end of the OB pier to plan our next terrorist strike. Let’s go biological with this one. The infidels won’t know what hit them! ROFLMAO – Kaliek Sheikh Mohammed’

Attention NSA-clones this is a joke ! Hopefully all the Aspergers cases at the NSA can have the social skills to tell the difference between a joke and reality. If they can’t and there is a drone strike on the pier later today my apologies to all OBceans.

 

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

avatar OBJamie January 29, 2014 at 11:56 am

Nice article…I got a REAL laugh at the end with the joke about the end of the OB Pier…You see, the Department of Homeland Security has it’s very own cameras mounted at the end of the pier, and baby they do not face West to protect us from the great Unknown approaching no they face East.

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avatar john eisenhart January 29, 2014 at 3:00 pm

PURE IGNORANCE. First their is no debate on the issue. That like saying we are debating slavery. It is repulsive to human rights to collect all forms of a persons existence (paid for by the slave) and marginalize their right to a full life. And then Take the statement : “There is no business in the world more inefficient than the US Government” – the issue is not efficiency vs inefficiency- The US government has the Power to kill , destroy, injury, marginalize any person or any organization they view as a threat to the present corporate/ fascist state. The violation of the fourth amendment / first amendment by the NSA is not trivial. You really don’t know the totality of the beast. Its a massive data collection system to predict the future. Its a control mechanism for the 1% of the 1%.

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avatar John Filthy January 29, 2014 at 4:38 pm

So if it’s not a debate, then what is all the back and forth between government officials and privacy activists called? A fireside chat? A geek fest? Tell me I would like to know.

Of course the NSA can read your emails, so can Gmail, your ISP and your sys admin at work. So what? If you don’t have any secrets it’s meaningless anyway. I could care less who reads my emails it has no effect on me having a full life.

If you don’t want to be tracked all you have to do is dump your cell phone, computer, credit cards, and passport. Problem solved. Make the spy satellites and face recognition software spot you from space and launch a drone missile. It would be a lot cheaper and more efficient to have someone walk up and stab you though.

The joke is on the NSA if they think collecting data predicts the future. They can’t even avoid bombing wedding parties let alone prophesize the future.

Efficiency is very much the point. That’s the whole reason they collect metadata. They have no choice because the sheer volume of data makes it too inefficient not too. So they know I called Afghanistan 10 times this month, or sent 12 emails with the word ‘jihad’, or purchased 16 packs of Marlboro Lights. Its my life and that’s even boring to me.

The Chinese and Russians and plenty of others are all doing the same thing. I can’t count how many hack attempts I’ve fixed for companies that originated from Russian and Chinese IP addresses. China has stolen much industrial knowledge from US servers. Yet they still make crap, so how much good did that data do them?

Monitoring my speech is not a first amendment violation. You actually have to shut down my speech for that. It is a fourth amendment violation, but a very obvious one that people should have assumed was going on, whistleblowers or not. I pity the fools who live in the belly of the beast working this system. They are most definitely not part of the 1%.

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avatar john eisenhart January 30, 2014 at 8:25 pm

One question. Why is it a good idea to have us the US citizen pay the government to collect / gather all forms of communication of the citizens?

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avatar Goatskull January 31, 2014 at 9:21 am

I didn’t see anywhere in this article sate that this good idea. YOU said there is no debate which there clearly is. It could be argued that there shouldn’t be a debate but that’s just not the case. If there is no debate then there wouldn’t be a controversy which there very much is both amongst government officials AND the general populace. If there were no debate/controversy then this article would likely not have been written and we wouldn’t be commenting on this.

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avatar John Filthy January 31, 2014 at 7:20 am

Its a predictable idea not a good one, and in the end futile. Where did the East German Politburo get with all its spying and secret keeping? Did the Iron Curtain and Berlin Wall work in the long run? I would say not. The NSA is trying to do the same sort of thing with todays technology and I predict a similar result. Just because the joke is on us doesn’t mean its not funny.

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