It’s MY Plastic Bag, and I Do What It Wants Me To.

by on September 16, 2013 · 4 comments

in Culture, Economy, Environment, Satire

sdfp plasticbagflyingBy Bob Dorn

I love my plastic bag.

No one’s going to take it from me; not some foolish enviro nut-hazard with her meds in her pocketbook, or some Japanese squeeky clean wearing a mask in the subway, or a Filner Freak-o who spends his money on Mexican marijuana that probably already has some STD buried between its cracks, or Obama, the Holy, who solved Syria all by himself (ask the cruise missiles who solved Syria!!!).

No one’s taking my plastic bags.

Okay, for the record, I own a gun. Come and get me all you wimps with Greenpeace stickers on your Subarus. Come and get my plastic bags. Or are you afraid they’ll contain some lead, heh, heh, heh.

What do guns have to do with plastic grocery sacks, you ask? I’ll tell you, you sickos; just get a little closer so I can see your Save the Whales bumper sticker. Hah! I’ll bet that’s made of plastic, belly-crawler. Think about it.

If all you proper eggheads with your big ideas would just listen for a minute to a friend of mine, Ryan O’Grady… he reads plenty. He reads Ann Rand, even, and she’s no cakewalk. He says this:

“The markets value plastic sacks above all other conveyances. They’re cheap, easy to make, recycle and dispose of. If they weren’t so effective, they wouldn’t be so cheap. That’s why they’re so valuable.

“Landfill people respect the plastic sacks so much, I’ve seen them get down from their Caterpillar landscrapers to chase one that got away. Now and then, they’ll even pocket ‘em if they think no one’s watching… Do any of you even know a landfill worker? I didn’t think so.

“But that’s not the point. The point is, it costs more to dispose of them than it does to make and distribute them. Now there’s a government boondoggle, if ever there was one!!!”

And another thing, what do you think will happen to that big reusable sack you’re going to carry to the local Holy Health Store once you lose it? Huh? Think it’s going to get up and walk on its hind legs to the dump? If you look at those giant baggies of petroleum, or natural gas, which is so abundant in the United States it will never run out in our lifetimes, unless you come and try to take my plastic sacks away from me, in wbich case your lifetime is going to be shortened in a hurry, you can bet your Bob Dylan 8-track on it… where was I?… was I…

…Oh yeah… you think those reusable bags aren’t a threat to the suspension systems in your hybrid Nissan Leaves, huh? Those are heavy petroleum-based wrappers kiddo, and they’ll soon be blowing across University Ave. and all those other streets you travel, and tie up your damper springs and ball joints so good you’ll have to send the car to your mechanic in La Jolla, cream puff.

Sure, you say, “I’ll just ride the bus” until your genius mechanic can undo the damage to the Prius your mother gave you, and you’ll be as happy as your favorite Dixie Chick at a séance… but then, what happens when the bus gets taken down by the reusable plastic luggage you carry to the market, huh? Huh?

So I’ll leave all you goody two-shoes who want to take away those plastic sacks with a final word from Ryan O’Grady, my really smart friend:

“This idea of banning a product that makes lives better is what you get when government gets too big and has nothing to do. The answer is to grant city land to private landfill operators. They can much more efficiently dispose of the sacks, which we’re all subsidizing wasteful local governments to do now.”

Boy, I wish THIS guy would run for Mayor.

Originally posted at San Diego Free Press.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

avatar Sean m September 16, 2013 at 1:07 pm

the cities surrounding san diego support san diego’s bag ban initiative. Escondido grocery stores complained about customers walking off with hand baskets and a drop in business after their ban.

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avatar Katydid52 September 16, 2013 at 3:50 pm

I use plastic grocery bags for dozens of things. I never just throw away the bags. I use them for dog doo doo, crafts, smelly food in the trash, wet clothes, or carry stuff that’s more than I can do with 2 hands. I don’t really like the paper bags, and usually just fill them with recycling then chuck it all in the recycle can.

I guess if they are outlawed I will have to buy boxes of small trash can liners to use instead.

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avatar fstued September 16, 2013 at 10:01 pm

without them how will we pick up our dog doo.

Just an interesting side note The African Country of Rwanda has had a plastic bag ban for some time and will collect them from you as you walk through the airport if you are carrying one.

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avatar Doug September 17, 2013 at 4:44 pm

Why is it either/or?? That’s always a losers choice. Why not simply add a fee for people who choose plastic and use the fee to clean the streets? Sometimes I forget to bring my reusable bags when I walk to the grocery store.

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