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By Nadira Hira / The Good Men Project
Nadira Hira’s manifesto on marriage.
I won’t change my name. I’ve spent the last three decades making the one I have mean something. And I’d like to keep it up, thanks. Which is, I hope, a major part of why he’ll love me always.
I won’t accept a ring. I will gush over my friends’ rings, of course. I will keep my views on the fraught history and general scourginess of diamonds and engagement rings to myself, mostly. But till he too is sporting a symbol of ownership on his strong and manly hand, I won’t be wearing a bloody thing on my finger.
I won’t stop celebrating men — him, and all the others. This will be a service to our children, and given my taste — Brad, Idris, Sandma — a testament to his quality.
I won’t try to style him. (Unless he asks.) Because he’ll dig me any time, even when I’m rocking Vibram Five Fingers at brunch.
I won’t make asinine jokes about being useless in the kitchen. There is nothing funny about not being able to boil a pot of rice. It is a basic survival skill, one I fully expect him to possess as well.
I won’t look at him sideways when his friends behave like idiots. Because my friends and I can be pretty idiotic, too—we just do better PR.
I won’t stop smiling at strangers. Or chatting with old folks. Or helping that random person who I can just feel needs it. This can be annoying, I know, and sometimes it’ll make us late—or tired, or vaguely unsafe—but humanity is compassion. And he’d like me a lot less if I were a heartless ogre.
I won’t take for granted what he does unbidden—the trash, the driving, the grinding, the hearing, the hyping, the loving.
I won’t be angry at him for thinking less about our kids than I do. I worry and plan and obsess and overanalyze as a matter of course. He and his kind do or do not, Yoda-style. This is all right.
I won’t get out of bed without kissing his face. As my mother used to sing to us, this is the way to start a new day. Which still holds up under scrutiny.
I won’t tell him the truth, even if he asks, when what he needs is inspiration.
I won’t let him suffer from a poverty of expectation. Ever.
I won’t doubt, especially when he does.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
And…what will he do for you?
Judi,
Nadira’s post is of compassion, acceptance and forgiveness. The question you ask begs her expectations. There is nothing wrong with having expectations of our spousal units. After all we are human. But after reading Nadira’s declaration, I doubt she lets her expectations dictate the quality and experience of her marriage. For that I am thankful and want the author to know that her message was received, and I am reflective and appreciative of my own relation.
Rick
Marriage is a two-way street. Without compromise the marriage is shallow. I just want to know if he realizes what he has in Nadira and if he is willing to “give” also.
Marriage isn’t just a word…it’s a sentence. :p