As I have a birthday coming up in a few days, and as my last experience with on-line dating made me want to find my birth certificate – yes, they had them back then – I wanted to check and see if I was really born many years ago, or if there could have been a typo and I was really born in 1995.
Many of the men I am meeting online these days remind me of my youth – yes, I can remember back that far – and the titillating things we talked about during the dating process. I am not happy to report that things have not changed significantly. Men still want to talk about all the things we read about in “Catcher in the Rye” or “Lady Chatterley’s Lover.” So let me tell you about my latest.
I “met” J. on line about 5 months ago. He, like me, is a widower; a year older than me; lives in Henderson, Nevada, and is about to embark on a million dollar solar plant in the desert. He told me right away that all of his monies were tied up in this project – one that he has been working on for over ten years – and that he didn’t have much discretionary money to play with.
As we continued our daily conversations, we found that we had much in common and even though I did not believe a lot of what he said, he was fun and interesting to talk to.
One day he mentioned that the telephone conversations were unsatisfying and he would like to drive down to San Diego and meet me. He asked me for the names of some clean motels in the area and said he would probably rent a car because his car was having some mechanical difficulties.
I suggested that he fly down – Southwest had some inexpensive flights from Las Vegas – and he would probably save some money that way. I said that since we would be together, we could use my car, and he didn’t need to have one unless he wanted to do some things on his own. He said he had never been to San Diego and if I didn’t mind playing tour guide that was a better way to handle his trip. We talked about the different things he would like to see, and a tentative itinerary was set up.
We had talked about him coming down for my birthday, but he said he didn’t want to wait until the middle of February to meet me. He had a feeling that he was “falling” for me and wanted to meet me much sooner.
And…he would come down for my birthday too.
Later on he said that rather than go home he would just stay a few weeks longer and be here for the celebration. (I said that at my age the only celebration would be that I made it for another day.)
He was scheduled to arrive on a Tuesday and I had changed my schedule so I could pick him up at the airport. A few days before he was to arrive, he called me and said that he couldn’t make it after all. He had an important business meeting where he thought that the financial backing that he would be receiving might be released, and he needed to be at the meeting. Although disappointed, I accepted his explanation. He would try to come down the following week.
We continued our daily conversations and he talked about how he could hardly wait to “hold me; hug me; and cuddle whenever possible.” He said that maybe after meeting for a few days he could check out of the motel and stay with me at my house. He wondered if it would be a problem with my foreign language students living with me.
We talked about how his plant would not be too far from Escondido and if he flew into the Escondido airport (?) he could live in Pt. Loma, near me – if not “with me.” As we talked he became more amorous and I was truly looking forward to his hugs and kisses.
But … on the Saturday before he was to arrive, he called and told me he didn’t have the money to fly from Vegas to San Diego and back.
The total cost of the round trip flight was $73 and he didn’t have the money?
His explanation was simple – the meeting that he had with his financial backers had not been completed, and all of his money was tied up in the project. If he spent the money on flight and hotels, and then showing me a good time, he thought he would spend about $1000 and he just couldn’t do it at this time. Let’s try for next week.
Meanwhile, the talk continued and I found my stupid self being drawn in with each conversation. (It was so fortunate for me that I didn’t have any extra money, because I might have offered to help pay for his trip here.) As it was, I told him he could stay in my 5th wheel in the back instead of staying in a hotel, knowing – or hoping – that we would hit it off and he could stay in the house.
The following week he told me that he had to go to Chicago for another meeting. (What? He couldn’t come to San Diego but he could go to Chicago?) He said the ticket and hotel room had been paid for some time ago and it was not coming out of his pocket. He told me how much he would miss me and just as soon as he came back he’d fly down to San Diego.
I do not know how long he was in Chicago, because I did not hear from him until he came back. And this is a copy of the message he sent me:
“I will be dating and living with a woman from Chicago who will be moving in with me very soon. Thanks for your very affectionate chat and believe me Judi I loved every word with you. Take good care of yourself. Warm Hugs. J”
And then, two days later I received this message:
“I already miss you and I didn’t even get to San Diego. Can you imagine our feelings for each other if I did come to San Diego. WOW. I might be parked on your doorstep and I am not kidding. Even away from this computer your smile lingers with me everywhere here in the house. Sweet Munchies for you Judi. J”
Two more messages from him is what prompted me to write this article. Three days ago I received this one:
“Over and above my very sensuous feelings for you Judi, I think you are special and I think I would have fallen head over heels for you there. Then what would I do. You are just as affectionate as any man could ask for and boy would I ask for it. If things do not work out here for me, I may be begging at your doorstep. Warm Hugs for you if you promise to lean up against me when I hug you. Warm Kisses too Judi. J”
It goes without saying that I told him that he made his choice; I am not part of it and it is over. I told him not to write again because it was over – over and it never really began.
Today I received what I hope is his last message to me:
“You are a very beautiful woman and I think I may have missed the boat. I will think about you for a long long time sweetie. But, you are still lovely. Can’t I write that to you. My new friend is miles and miles away. No hope for us anymore sounds so terribly final Judi. I can still think you are beautiful can’t I. Well, I am going to think that. You can not take that from me now. Have a safe and wonderful day. And, I promise not to bother you any more. Forever your friend. J”
And so, once again, I am in “mourning”. Mourning for something that never happened; mourning for a “lost lover” that never was in the first place.
In spite of all the rhetoric and false information given to me, I allowed myself to become mired in the romance of the moment. A creative mind allows one to write many scenarios. And write them I did. In spite of all of this; in spite of knowing this relationship would never come to fruition, why am I so sad?
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I would revise the headline to “Unscrewed again”
LOL! “Tennyson,” truly.
Sorry Judi. Just reading some of what he told he raised red flags for me. It’s hard to see them though when you want to believe what you are being told. I’ve just about given up trying the online dating sites.
He raised red flags for me too – but he was so much fun to talk to I let myself ignore the signs.
Ooooooh, nooooooooo! For his part, they’re so slick, aren’t they?
For your part, you like most of us have fallen into the trap of love, or at least its prospect. Can you see it this way, that even though there’s been no glory, there’s at least been a little music? …And then there’s the Blues.
Luv ya, but I gotta tell ya, avoid Nevada!
Probably it is best to avoid all men! After all, I probably only have another 15 years left…..In that period of time I should learn how to live alone!
Judi, you need to meet Gristmiller. I am out of the country right now but when I return to OB, 3/10 or so. I will find you. I think Frank knows who I am.
You’re on!!!!! Frank has my phone number.
I wouldn’t take this one too hard. Sounds like a more drawn out, online version of what usually went down at the Friday night school dance.
You dance with someone, they danced with a few others as well. You showed interest in them, you traded sweet nothings with them, little white lies, they were the best looking thing they saw all night, so were you.
At the last slow dance, they were kissing someone else. You felt hurt, rejected, spiteful. Like you were an item on the shelf at the supermarket they picked up, perused, then discarded in favor of “best buy”.
Having your heart broken seems to be part of the game. If you’re still playing it you’re doing alright!
(and in today’s economy, if you’ve got a 5th wheeler in the yard and haven’t had to rent it out to keep the yard, you’re really doing alright)
Right on, John. Should tell you I bought the 5th wheel from a friend that couldn’t park it in front of his house because of a city ordinance and after keeping in in my yard – 1/4 block from the beach – he sold it to me for $1. (Wish I had more friends like him.) And….I remember those school dances so well. Thanks (?) for the analogy!
Gary – most of the time the men use “handles” that cannot be looked up on Google. I wish that when I started I had used an alias too. But when I find someone that be “googled” – does that sound weird? – I do. Thanks for the advice.
I assume it’s aluminum, but the steel hardware will rust quick. I’m about the same distance from the water, have lost 2 cars to Pac-Man’s corrosive hunger. A third, my old Corvette, (stealthily featured in the pictures in the rag’s gentrification articles with the planning commission) while covered is still seeing alarming corrosion on its steel parts and rubber. If it’s worth something now consider selling it or you’ll see that asset turn to nothing quick. If you keep it give it a freshwater rinse every so often to remove the minerals left behind when moisture from fog evaporates. If it’s a newer or luxury unit you may even consider a cover, they work wonders.
At the very least keep a tarp or board over the tires on the sunny side, the sun rots them before you know it. (you’re pretty savvy and may know all this, just remindin’… learned to hate rust in the Navy)
Thanks, John. I am watching it deteriorate daily. Even the weather stripping has fallen off the windows and cracking. I appreciate the advice.
Judy, don’t give up. You would be doing mankind a disservice. Trust & verify. Google him. Google where he works. Google Earth his address. Google images his name. Do it early in the relationship & every so often after that. If he sounds too good to be true……….Well, you can complete the sentence.