It happened again today. I “met” a man online that sounded like a nice person. He had many of the attributes I am looking for in a companion, or so he said, and I agreed to meet him for lunch in a well-known restaurant in North County. (He lives in San Marcos and it was a good halfway place for us to meet.) We were both early; another nice attribute. He obviously had been there before, not because the waitress recognized him, but because he knew his way around the restaurant and we sat at “his favorite table.”
We chit-chatted as we made our selection from the menu and then he asked me the question that I have been asked four times already in my online dating experience: “I said on my profile that I was 72; I am really 82. Do you think I could pass for 72?”
Well, guys, I am tired of being nice. So I told him the truth. “No, I don’t think you can pass for 72.” He told me that if he wrote down how old he really was that no one would contact him. I told him – and the others – that beginning a relationship on a lie is not the way to have a relationship. I told him that I would not date him a second time; I have been a caregiver and have no intention of being one again. I want a younger man; I want someone to take care of me!
As I thought about the “turn-offs” that have pissed me off during the last year, I decided I wanted to share them with any male reader. Let’s begin:
- Tell the truth about your age.
- If you are married, don’t tell me you are single and “your wife approves” of this affair.
- In fact, if you are married don’t contact me at all.
- Don’t tell me that big-breasted women turn you on. I can’t help the way I am built. Don’t ask me what size bra I wear. I’m not going to tell you. Ever.
- Don’t tell me you are horny. I could care less – right now.
- Don’t tell me that Cialis works better than Viagra. If you are taking either one, keep it to yourself.
- Don’t tell me that you are a great kisser. If I am interested I’ll find out myself.
- Keep your toupee at home. I have yet to see one that hasn’t made me laugh.
- Don’t tell me that your ex-wife got all your money. If you aren’t prepared to wine and dine me, don’t contact me.
- Don’t tell me that I can’t come to your house because you have a roommate. Is your roommate called “your wife”?
- Don’t tell me you are a non-smoker, and yet you reek like a tobacco factory.
- Don’t tell me you are not a drinker but you don’t mind if your partner drinks and then get mad when your “partner” has a drink.
- Don’t tell me to eat fast because you only have an hour left before your pills wear off.
- Don’t put on your profile that you are 6 feet tall when you are really only 5’7”.
- Don’t put on your profile you are slender when the only thing slender about you are your shoelaces.
- Don’t say you are athletic when the most energy you expend is using the remote.
- Don’t tell me that you are so happy that I like to cook because you eat everything and then tell me you don’t eat fish when I prepare a seafood dish.
- If you are going to sign up for more than one dating site and use the same picture, then, for goodness sake, use the same information. Don’t be single on one, married on the other, a widower on the other, and divorced on the other. Women sign up for more than one site, also!
- Likewise, you cannot be an engineer, a teacher, a locksmith, a volunteer and a mechanic on each different site. Be honest. Tell us that you are a bum, haven’t worked in years and are looking for a “sugar mommy.”
- Don’t assume that because we women are looking for a man that we want to jump in bed with you after the first eye-contact. Penises are not very pretty. I don’t care how big – or small yours is. It is what you do with it that counts, and I will be the one to decide when and if it is even feasible. Every man has one; yours is not a gift to women.
- Don’t ask me what I weigh either. You saw my picture. That is me.
- Talking about pictures – post a current one. I don’t care what you looked like 5 years ago with all of your hair. I am sure you were a cute baby, but that’s not what I’m interested in.
- If you don’t a current picture, don’t contact me. I automatically erase any profiles coming my way without a picture.
- Don’t ask me to send you a note to your private email address because you are not going to be with the site much longer. I will not send you a private email.
- Please don’t send me a picture of you unless I ask for it. And do not send me a suggestive picture unless you clear it with me first. We women frequently have parties when we rank the pictures of the penises we are sent. No, we don’t really – but we may!
- Don’t think that using a “cute name” will endear me to you. Today I read a profile from a man that called himself “peckerhead.” Do you think I will send him a flirt?
- Don’t call me “hun,” “dear,” “sweetie,” “lovely” or any other name. I am nothing to you and I resent your calling me names that should be reserved for real relationships.
- And for goodness sake, don’t tell me that your wife, girlfriend, lover doesn’t understand you. I suspect she understands you all too well.
I certainly hope that these suggestions help you find the woman you are looking for in an honest and sincere way. If you are really looking for a relationship be truthful and forget everything you have ever read or seen in the movies. Reality shows may work on television, but they are still fiction. As for me, I may be a blond, but I’m not stupid. I suspect the other women on line are intelligent also. Don’t make an ass of yourself; it gives women like me a topic for an article.
This originally appeared at San Diego Free Press.