It has been a while since I regaled the readers of my columns about my experiences of on-line dating. Lest you think that it has improved – or that I have met a “match” let me enlighten you during this holiday season.
I have had some very interesting, very hilarious experiences lately. I am truly amazed at the responses, and subsequent conversations I have had with some of the male subjects.
Some of these “episodes” sound like others I have already written about. Let me assure you that these are all “new” acquaintances. Let’s get started with the man who listed on his profile that he was 63 but later confessed that he was really 83. He said there was a typo and he didn’t know how to correct it. We met for dinner and he told me to eat fast because he didn’t have much time. I was puzzled; “much time for what”, I asked? It seems that he took his little blue pill when he left his house and he only had about a 2 hour window left. Now, people that know me know that I have a macabre sense of humor.
And…it kicked in. “A two hour window for what”? “After two hours I won’t be able to get it up”, he answered. “Get what up?” I asked. “You know”! he answered. I told him that we had just met; I was going to enjoy my meal – I planned on paying for it myself – and maybe the next time he should take the pill with his martini. He told me that he had lost his appetite and maybe we should just leave now. I agreed – and went to my car and drove home, making sure I wasn’t followed. I never heard from him again.
The next potential suitor I corresponded with was a 27 year old man that is from Texas who is in the Navy, going to school in San Diego. I told him that I have made it a point never to date anyone younger than my youngest child – 48 – and in his case two years younger than my two oldest grandchildren.
He said he wasn’t looking for anything from me but the holidays were coming up and he really missed his family. I suggested he write a note to his grandmother and tell her how much he missed her. He said he didn’t want to write a note; he wanted to talk to a grandmother and feel the “warmth” that grandmothers emit when with family. I quickly pointed out that he was not MY family; I probably would not be “emitting anything” and not only was I a grandmother, I was a great-grandmother. He was very persistent; he was so lonely; he just wanted to talk, although he would not mind if we became “intimate” later on. Intimate? I am 45 years older than him. I asked him if he was smoking something, because I hadn’t even said I would meet him and he was talking intimacy. I suggested he call me when he grew up a little bit more.
The next gentleman that I talked to had read my profile where-in I said that it would take more than a “house glass of wine to get me in bed.” I liked what this man said; he seemed relatively intelligent, and so I agreed to meeting him at the OB Pier. When we met, he handed me a bottle of wine. I asked him what the wine was for. He answered, “I thought if I brought you a bottle of wine instead of a glass of house wine we could go to bed together.” I gave him back his bottle of wine, and told him to give it to someone else. Needless to say, I haven’t heard from him again either.
Then there is the man that posted on his site that he was married and is in an “open” relationship because his wife no longer wants sex so she said it was ok for him to find someone on line. The problem is that on another site the same man – same picture – said that he was a widower looking for a good woman. And if that wasn’t enough, the third site he posted on he stated that he was divorced. And the picture? All three of them were the same and he was with his wife! I reported him to the 3 sites, but he is still listed on all 3 of them.
Sunday I met a man that had a dog that he walked every day. He suggested that we meet and I take Buddy, and we walk along Sunset Cliffs. His dog was large, an Airedale, and not nearly as well trained as Buddy. We walked our dogs about half a mile, talking as we went. We had similar backgrounds; both raised in Los Angeles County; he was a couple of years older than me; we went to the same college; he was a teacher; he was a college professor, etc. We both had done extensive traveling in Mexico; his wife died of cancer.
He made no effort to climb into bed, BUT he allowed his dog to jump on my furniture and look out the window. The window got fogged; the dog jumped down and went and got a drink of water and then jumped back on the couch. His “beard” was sopping wet and the couch – and window – were also sopping wet when he left. But…the worst part of the entire day was that his dog was sick – “must have been something she ate”, as she dribbled along the entire area we walked, and continued when we got back to my house. And..today…Buddy is not feeling well. Buddy has asked me not to see him again, and I have concurred.
And finally, the last man I have talked to this week is a 70 year old living in another state. When I said that long-distance relationships do not work he said that he could easily hop a plane; be in San Diego in less than 2 hours, and money was no object. Although reluctant to meet him, I finally agreed and he said that he would make flight arrangements to come meet me on Wednesday. Well, Wednesday came and I did not hear from him. Pretty typical, I thought.
He finally called me on the weekend and told me that he had been in an accident – rear ended while waiting to make a left-hand turn – and it would be a couple of weeks before his doctor would allow him to fly. No problem. As we continued to correspond, I repeated a joke that one of my friends had posted on Face Book, “ . . . . doesn’t it get you angry when you are all set to hug a sexy person only to hit yourself with the mirror?”. He said, at first, that he didn’t get it; then he said it was stupid. Wait a minute! He’s telling me that a joke I repeated to him was stupid? A little later, in another conversation, I told him something, tongue in cheek. He got all bent out of shape. I told him I was pulling his leg and he responded that if I was going to tease him I should tell him before hand that I am going to tease him so he won’t get upset. Wanna guess what the next thing was that I told him? Yeah! I told him that I did not want to meet him after all; I am known to have a fairly good sense of humor and I did not think that I had to explain my jokes to him. He told me that was ok but he still thought that I was “making too much of it.”
When I go see Santa next week I am going to ask for the following:
A nice man that still thinks with his brain, not his penis; a man that is honest and trustworthy; a man that can be a gentleman if the occasion warrants it; a man that can talk about many different things besides his sexual powers; a man that enjoys walking on the beach; going to museums; who does not insist that I sit on the back of his Harley while going 80 miles an hour on the freeway; a man that doesn’t mind being a cub to my cougar status; a man that likes to cuddle; hold hands and……..well that’s enough of a clue for Santa. Only 3 more weeks before all of my “subscriptions” expire on the 5 dating sites I am on. Hope Santa moves quickly.