From the San Diego Free Press
Erstwhile mayoral candidate turns focus to criminal element from Down Under
Bouncing back from her last-place finish in San Diego’s mayoral primary, District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis announced plans to prosecute members of a “eucalyptus distribution ring” at the city’s world-famous zoo.
The alleged conspirators — including long-time San Diego Zoo residents Thackery, Milo, and Cambee — are all koalas who live in the zoo’s “Outback” exhibit.
“While state law allows koalas to chew eucalyptus if they have a veterinarian’s recommendation,” Dumanis said, “virtually all of San Diego’s koalas consume eucalyptus regularly, and that ain’t right.”
Mary-Jane Goodall, the koala keeper at the San Diego Zoo, said she was baffled by the district attorney’s announcement.
“Eucalyptus has no dangerous side effects for koalas, and koalas have chewed eucalyptus for centuries,” Goodall said. “They really love that shit.”
Indeed, San Diego Zoo records indicate that its first koalas — Snugglepot and Cuddlepie, who came to the zoo in 1925 — were avid eucalyptus chewers.
“Snugglepot and Cuddlepie were a pair of good-for-nothing drug dealers,” said Dumanis. “Think of the example they were setting for the joeys.”
San Diego Chief of Police William Lansdowne said his department had devoted tens of thousands of man-hours to building cases against “koala kingpins.”
“For example, there’s Yabber, a female koala who seems to have earned the right to sleep in the most elevated positions in the koala enclosure’s trees,” Lansdowne said.
“As the police chief in America’s finest city, I look forward to taking Yabber down,” Lansdowne added. “It’ll be a nice change of pace from internal affairs.”
Dumanis said the prosecution would not target legitimate users of eucalyptus.
“I’m all for letting koalas have eucalyptus, as long as they are suffering from a real illness, such as KAIDS or cancer of the pouch,” she said. “But too many koalas point to fake problems like insomnia or anxiety.
“What would a koala have to be anxious about?” Dumanis asked. “They get to live in a well-kept enclosure and entertain thousands of gawking tourists each day.”
Dumanis made the announcement from a seat at the bar at the U.S. Grant hotel in downtown San Diego.
“When I’m feeling anxious or whatever, I don’t do drugs — I just suck down a few vodka martinis,” Dumanis said, pointing to a drink in a long-stemmed glass in front of her. “The bartenders here at the Grant know I like ‘em stiffer than Carl DeMaio backstage at Chippendale’s.”
“The next morning after drinking, I’m usually a little groggy, but waking up is what coffee’s for,” she added.
Dumanis said she hoped the koala prosecution would send a message to “other animal druggies” at the San Diego Zoo.
“For a long time, I’ve wondered — just why are the hyenas always laughing, anyway?” Dumanis asked.
“If those strange-looking freaks are also chomping something to help with their quote-unquote insomnia, it had better be Ambien.”