Sex in San Diego: What’s Seduction Got to Do With It?

“Vermeiren seduction” from Orvieto62

Seduction: What is it? The dictionary says it’s the “act of seducing.”
Seductress: A woman who seduces.
Seduce: To persuade or tempt.
Seductive:  Tending to seduce or lead astray.

My online dating has opened up new horizons for me – one that I was aware of but never thought would pertain to me.  But, in answering some of the required online questionnaires, I am looking at myself differently.  And, consequently, am looking at others differently too.

For example, I completed a survey that was titled, “Seduction Style.”  I surprised to find out that the it would be available for all to see, and that the results are broken down into three parts: How to Approach Me, How to Date Me, and How to Sexually Seduce Me.

I was so happy to find out that “ I am not necessarily a prude or a saint, but my overall answer patterns suggest that I am probably very cautious about to whom and under what circumstances I will surrender to romantic urges.”

Don’t laugh yet. It gets better.  In wooing me – their words, not mine –“it may take some time to warm up, though this should not be misinterpreted as disinterest. Sexually speaking, I may not appear easily aroused, despite being titillated, until I gain his trust. Once my guard is down, the rewards will be great because I will be wildly uninhibited and receptive.”

Okay – now you can laugh.  Out loud.

Martine Jacobs - "Mondriaan's seduction" (2002)

Here are some of the tips offered the reader – whoever they may be – that should help him out:

“I am probably grounded and realistic, and quite good at sniffing out insincerity and ulterior motives.” Therefore, “don’t play games or even bother trying to manipulate me for a mere sexual encounter because it won’t work. The reader will have to be “upfront, direct and completely honest.” You know, I’ve met several of those “up front” people already – even before I answered the survey.

Again, the reader is admonished “that I might be relatively naive – so don’t be too sexually explicit but do take on the role of the teacher, introducing me to life’s sensual pleasures outside of the bedroom first.”  I had a couple of those dates too – back seat of the car; on the Ocean Beach Pier; at the Bar, etc.

And here is more advice: “It appears that I may like to set the pace for seduction and involvement, sexual and otherwise (I’m kind of intrigued about the “otherwise” part) so don’t come on too strong, or too fast. The reader must show class, patience and a reasonable amount of self-disclosure or I’ll show you the door.” 

Reading into this myself, I wonder what kind of “self-disclosure” he will give me: “Honey, I took the Viagra 4 hours ago and if we don’t get into the bedroom soon I’ll lose my erection.” Or, “I have had this erection for 6 hours. Please give me some relief.” Or, “I know how notoriously bad at math women are, so when I say I am six inches, it may not look quite so big to you.”

The results of the survey also give some pointers in the seduction process. One of the first mentioned is to know different flirting styles. A list of ten different styles are mentioned, but the top three flirting styles that should be tried with me are: “He should be playful and natural and let the inner child shine through.”

The next approach is to be “witty and try to draw me in with words and quick thinking.”  Finally, the third suggestion is that “the reader must be confident and direct and zero in on what he wants and go for it.”  OK – it’s laughter time again. I can visualize myself with one hand over my breasts and the other over my crotch as he “zeros in on what he wants.”

San Diego Seduction of the Lingerie Football League (2009) from gordaen

The results of the survey also stress “communication “. It is important, they say, to know how to talk to me.  In fact, “. . .(communication ) is an underrated aspect of seduction. Knowing what not to talk about can be just as important as knowing what is fine to talk about.”

And, according to the survey results, I have three favorite conversation topics:  (1) – background  (Note: it doesn’t say who’s background); (2) future and (3) – politics.

My least favorite topics of conversation are (1) sex, (2) illness and (3) previous dates. The reader is admonished to “show off – even exude – the side of him that is high energy and even a little wild. I want to see a sense of humor, creativity and intelligence as well as a positive attitude throughout his words and actions.” 

The survey suggests that he asks some probing questions – NOTE: Get ready to laugh again – such as:  What are your guilty pleasures of life?  What is the oddest thing you have ever had a dream about? And “How would you dress up for a fancy date on the town, a costume party with friends or a role play adventure with a lover?”

Skipping over some of the unimportant areas of the survey – major turn-ons and turn-offs for example – let’s move on to “How to Sexually Seduce Me.”

For some reason I am being classified as a “Tiger.” (I don’t know about the “Tiger” handle. I really prefer being a Cougar, but let’s see where this leads.)  According to the survey “Tigers tend to push sexual boundaries”: – my own as well as the male.

“Sex is more an outlet for adult play and physical pleasure than it is merely a way to express love and admiration for a partner. Tigers do not necessarily use sex as a means to get closer to a lover or to solidify the relationship. The focus is more that of enjoying pursuit and capture, and taking the lead on how to passionately play with their ‘victim,’ helpless to their invigorating sexual energy and wiles.”

To aid my partner, the survey “would like to suggest some customized probing inquiries to help” (What an interesting choice of words – “probing”).

“Some of these probing inquiries are:  (1) how would you describe your boundaries when it comes to sexual  activities? (2) What do you think of the saying ‘sex is a joining of bodies and souls’? (3) What sexual pursuit, if any, has caught you off guard as far as what ultimately became of it – for better or for worse; (4) Describe what it would be like for you to let your partner take charge in the sack; (5) How have you attempted to tap into your spiritual energy during sexual activity, if ever?”

"Butterflies seduction" from Pixel Addict

Let me clue you in now.  If any partner of mine asked me these questions before we were going to have sex, and after I was finished laughing, I can’t help but feel that the mood would not be conducive to culminating the sexual act.

The conclusion of this survey has several more topics discussed.  However, I will omit those because instead of being “turned on” I am laughing so much that I am making errors while typing.

But let’s get to the summary:  According to the research done by this dating service, women and men have pretty much the same fantasies of sexual encounters.  However, “most women like scripts – a sexy story line with a good setting, content and feelings to get carried away with . . . In addition to that, a number of women also like the passionate fantasies that deal with risk-taking and/or impulsive behaviors, such as being with some sort of ‘bad boy.’

“Finally, on top of these two groups of themes there are some women who really go to themes of dominance, forbidden relationships, or force, such as being a porn star, or being abducted (doesn’t say by what or whom) and they love fantasies that involve their own attractiveness to a partner, the emotional context for such lust and her role as her lover’s ‘toy’.”

I should also mention the “turn-off’s” because this part of the survey I agree with: I am turned off by (1) bad breath; (2) body odor; (3) bad hair pieces; (4) sloppy dress; (5) heavy perfume smell.

The survey, which by the way is six pages of eight-point font, ends with sexual fantasies: “When it comes to sexual preferences, women tend to like sex play that fosters intimacy and a sense of “surrender” to a partner. They also like to know that they are deeply desired.

“Therefore the partner should give his ‘undivided attention’ to his partner and ensure an atmosphere of mutual trust so his partner feels free and safe to be uninhibited sexually. He should also explore different types of touch with her, tapping into all of her senses, and respectfully testing her boundaries as far as sexual enhancements and express go.”

So now you have it. One online’s dating service survey – say that fast – to aid the participants in achieving an orgasmic dating experience.

I think of some of the greatest seductresses of all time – Mae West, Cleopatra, Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor, Greta Garbo, and many other beautiful icons of yesteryear, and wonder what they did to be successful. Well, OK, I know what some women did) but in today’s society, how much real “seducing” goes into the sexual act rather than mutual satisfaction.

I will say this, however:  I will be very leery of dating anyone that responds to me from this dating service. It’s a little too cerebral for me – seduction is OK, and fun, but don’t forget the spontaneity of the act itself.

Sex in San Diego, a column appearing every Thursday here at The OB Rag, explores topics related to sex in America’s Finest City. To encourage openness while still respecting privacy, most authors will use pseudonyms.