A Statistical Analysis of My Online Dating

Having just attended a pagan ritualistic ceremony uniting two very special people, I am now more inspired to find a soulmate of my own that is willing to bind our hands together for life. What I witnessed was very inspiring.

Those of you that have been following my saga of “on-line” dating are probably not aware that even though I stopped my “subscriptions”, there was no refund and so I have been getting “winks” for what seems to be months, on a regular basis.

And…I have enlarged my groupings. My name is now listed as wanting to find a “companion” on the following websites: “SeniorPeopleMeet”; “BB (the Big and Beautiful Network)”; “Match.com”; “EHarmony”; “Speed Dating”; “Zoosk” and “Chemistry.com”.

After all, I don’t want to leave this great experiment to small chances. Of course, I am finding that I am not the only person that has signed up with more than one on-line service. No… so are the many of the men whose names keep popping up on my computer screen. That would not be a problem if they used the same name, for, believe it or not, I have an “a-z” spreadsheet (s) of 11 pages. I kid you not! Not all of the slots on all of the pages are filled in, but I have attempted to make contact with 344 (!) men since I began keeping the spread sheets.

It is a very attractive spread sheet; when I first try to make contact, I write (type) their name in black ink. If I hear from them telling me they are not interested, I change the color to red ink. If we meet, I then change the color to purple ink. If, after meeting them we decide not to see each other again, I change the color to green ink. It is a very sophisticated system, and as long as I remember which color represents which group, I am okay. (I remember when I wrote my thesis the professor’s encouraged me to have as many people as possible in my study. How pleased they would be to see that I am still following their advice.)

Of the 343 men I wrote to, a paltry number of 34 responded. Totally. That really makes the mathematical equation easy: 34/344. And of that total I have met six of the respondents.

Here is the real kicker! Of those 6 that I have met I have only seen ONE of them more than one time. And even more puzzling, at least to me, is that he is a super nice guy that I would like to have as a friend but do not think we would ever become romantically inclined. So much for the pagan ritual.

What seems to be the matter, you ask? You didn’t ask? Well, I’ll tell you anyway.

Intimacy seems to be at the forefront – you might want to read “foreplay” –of these relationships. It doesn’t matter if we are face to face – well, across the table from each other – writing to each other on-line – talking on the phone, etc. The conversation always seems to come back to the bedroom. For example, “how many glasses of wine does it take to make you ‘horny?’”. The first time I was asked this I nearly sputtered my wine clear across the table. The next time I was asked almost the identical question, “can we kiss after the 2nd glass of wine?” I was speechless. (Yeah, I know it is hard to visualize me “speechless” but it did happen.)

If you read one of my first articles about my first “date” you might recall that after one glass of house wine he was ready to come to my house and “cuddle the night away.” The next person I saw was almost older than God herself – 78 – and he was upset because I wouldn’t leave the bar to go to his house and “continue” our conversation.

Last night I spoke to a man on the phone and wanted to know if it would be worth his while to drive down from San Clemente to have a drink with me. When I asked him what he meant by “worth his while” he hung up on me. And on a luncheon date when I was asked what I wanted out of the relationship I talked about companionship; movies; walks; and he said, “well, how do you feel about ‘intimacy’”. I told him that if sparks flew all over; that if my heart beat faster; if I heard bells ring, or any combination or quickening of my pulse, maybe we could be intimate. I said that it had to happen spontaneously – it wouldn’t be put on my calendar saying, “May 17th, screw Johnny.”

You know how he responded to me? He said, “then I guess I will always have to carry a condom in my wallet!” I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing, and I am still laughing as I am writing this article.

I thought my research was complete last month, but I still have months to go before my subscriptions run out. Fortunately, they do not all run out at the same time, so I will be able to wean myself from the necessity of checking my emails twenty times a day – just to see if anyone responded to me. This is not over yet!