Sex in San Diego, a column appearing every Thursday here at The OB Rag, explores topics related to sex in America’s Finest City. In this week’s installment, two of our contributors share their thoughts on porn.
I’m a man in my 30s who enjoys porn. In contrast, most women I know seem to have no interest in porn.
Accordingly, I’m intrigued by how porn tends to be compelling to men but unappealing to women. Maybe it’s because, for men, so much of sex is about the physical details. Whereas for women, so much of sex is not about the physical details.
But porn does excite women — and it doesn’t matter what kind of porn. Studies show that straight men are turned on by straight porn, gay people by gay porn, and straight women by both straight porn and gay porn. (The marvelous book Sex at Dawn describes how researchers have confirmed this by hooking people’s genitals up to monitors and then showing them porn. Seriously.)
Research also suggests men who ejaculate daily — a group that includes lots of porn fans — are 30% less likely to develop prostate cancer and 50% less likely to develop heart disease. So porn could save your life! (For more info on this research, you are again referred to Sex at Dawn.)
So fretting about porn is like fretting about gossip mags. “Why would anyone want to look at that? That’s a waste of time. That’s not good for you. That’s embarrassing. That’s disgusting. You should be ashamed of that!”
I don’t think porn is a threat to a relationship any more than gossip mags are a threat to a relationship. Sure, some people develop an obsession with porn. The same is probably true of gossip mags. Is either grounds for break-up? Depends on the couple. There are no hard and fast rules.
Some people think their partners spend too much time looking at porn. But if porn wasn’t available, what else might partners turn to? Will they spend more time in church?
As I look back on the nearly seven years I’ve spent with my wonderful husband, I wonder what has allowed us to make it this far. Sure, there’s the open communication, amazing compatibility, willingness to seek therapy and vacation destressors, among others.
But there’s one thing I’ve often overlooked when it comes to doling out credit: Pornography.
I can’t say that I’ve never felt threatened by porn, but it was a fleeting insecurity—mostly because my husband and I have talked at length about it. He has also never shown any disinterest in me after surfing the web, nor has he asked me to do anything unmentionable as a result of his online philanthropy. It’s actually helped ease some sexual tension at times when I haven’t been in the mood.
And I, too, watch porn. I feel like it’s considered a strange activity for a woman, but there are times when it hits the spot ? I do mean that literally.
People only hear the phrase “Wham, bam, thank you, Ma’am,” but I think that’s because we haven’t come up with anything equally catchy that rhymes with Sir. The fact of the matter is that there have been plenty of days over the past seven years when watching a good clip and getting that specific release was all I wanted. Sometimes it’s nice to be selfish and not have to think about what the man wants, or how long it’ll take. Sometimes there are a million chores to do and that is one of them ? albeit a more enjoyable one. Sometimes there are no reasons for it.
The only time I’ve ever been frustrated by the affects of porn is when my husband and I have allowed it to take the romance out of the sex we share with each other.
In my opinion, actual sex between two people over a number of years requires foreplay. And no, I’m not saying that because I’ve all of the sudden gone mushy on everyone. Foreplay helps set the mood and, more importantly, gets the necessary juices flowing. I don’t think I’m alone when I say that it takes more than a nanosecond to get wet.
But romantic, slow-and-soft porn doesn’t sell as much as the alternative and I can understand that. That’s why it was important to revisit the basics with my partner, and reinforce what works or doesn’t ? from both points of view.
I wonder what other peoples’ opinion are on the matter? I invite you to share below in the comments. You don’t have to offer specifics, or make it uber personal if you don’t want to. And, as long as you don’t have an avatar connected to your OB Rag account email address, you can type in whatever “name” you want and you’ll remain anonymous.
Would you be OK with your partner watching it?
Do you think porn affects a relationship positively or negatively?
Do you know anyone who has gone through a breakup because of a porn addiction?