Hey, local politics geeks, to celebrate this New-Hampshire-primary Tuesday, let’s morph the candidates for mayor of San Diego with the candidates for president of the United States!
Carl DeMaio seems akin to Ron Paul: a conservative outsider with a quirky personality who seems to enjoy rattling cages on both sides of the aisle.
As a candidate, CarlPaul would sport a perpetual disdain for the effectiveness of government, an admittedly eyebrow-raising characteristic for someone seeking more time as a government employee. Because government sometimes is ineffective, and sometimes worse, CarlPaul’s cranky message would carry more than a little truth and earn the support of a diverse range of disenfranchised folks with axes to grind, including many axes of the not-very-sharp variety.
When it comes to Bonnie Dumanis, the proper foil might be Rick Santorum. Both candidates are Republican lawyers who are long-shots to win their races. Both have gained political advantage by picking on disadvantaged groups, from medical marijuana patients to undocumented immigrants.
Both reportedly prefer the company of women, though Santorum believes only he does so with God’s permission. Candidate DuTorum, therefore, at first might seem conflicted. But you know what they say: politics makes strange bedfellows. And no matter who politicians are sleeping with, the rest of us are usually getting screwed.
Now, America’s number-one public servant, Newt Gingrich, may have a soul brother in perennial San Diego mayoral candidate and biker/magician Loch David Crane. Crane is often seen driving “Star Trike,” a sci-fi-themed, three-wheeled motorcycle, while Gingrich’s eye-catching accessory is his trophy wife, Calista, a fan of luxury products who apparently believes men can change.
Gingrich and Crane always seem to turn up around election time, even though you wouldn’t really want either to use your bathroom, let alone run your government. Together Newt and Loch would form LochNewt, a candidate that blends voting-booth irrelevance with wacky-old-man irreverence.
Finishing up, Nathan Fletcher matches with both Obama and Romney: camera-friendly, establishment-endorsed, funded by the 1%. Morphing the three of them would produce ObamRomFletch, a smooth speaker who gives lip service to the importance of education and other public services — while pushing for more standardized testing and for a new taxpayer-funded stadium for the Spanos family.
In the San Diego mayoral race, voters have a true progressive candidate in Bob Filner. But no such candidate exists in the presidential race. This means the pool of “morphed” candidates would not include anyone with appeal to true progressives — forcing some to consider voting for CarlPaul, just because he calls out the obvious bullshit of all the rest.
Wouldn’t that suck?