Memo: To All OB Rag Staff
Re: New Standards for 2012
From: Doug “Bob” Porter
Now that Papa Doug Manchester has raised the standards for reporters over at the Union-Tribune it seems time that the OB Rag responds to this challenge. In our quest to dominate the Dead Tree media by the end of this decade, each and every contributor to this Rag must reach deep down inside and aspire for excellence. The “whatever, man” attitudes of the past couple of years need to be replaced with a will to win, now that we have a worthy competitor.
No longer is our Daily Fishwrap the product of far-away corporate overlords or inbred incompetents. The paper has been acquired by a local “developer”, in keeping with the San Diego tradition of local news media that will go any embarrassing length to espouse “more, bigger and better”. Opportunities like this are gifts for us rabble rousers and we need to appreciate them.
Therefore, the following standards are in place, effective immediately:
- Stories are not to written when you have reason to believe that your blood alcohol might be at three times the limit for a DUI. Save your binge drinking for the hours AFTER your copy has been submitted. The publisher has agreed not to attach breathalyzers to each correspondent’s keyboard, but may be forced to act if abuses continue. Same goes for medicinal cannabis inhaling.
- The expected workweek for OB Rag personnel will be raised from ‘whatever it takes’ to ‘Jesus, man this is like work or something.’ There will be no increase in the amount of money that you are expected to contribute to get your stories on-line. We know that Papa Doug is envious of our business model, but think that it’s only fair that you shouldn’t have to pay more to work more.
- Red Bull, Mountain Dew and Cheetos must be consumed in moderate amounts and kept away from the keyboards. Missed deadlines due to keyboards jammed with magic cheese dust are simply not acceptable.
- Stories with the words “Ron Paul”, “Nudity” and “Free Marijuana” in the headline may only be submitted on a quarterly basis. The folks at Google are no fools, and if they see us reaching for cheap hits based on hot keywords, we may find ourselves not promoted as often over at Google News.
- Dress code: if you insist on “Going Comanche” for staff meetings, please don’t advertise that fact. Or shave first. Remember that casual Fridays do not mean that anarchist tees encouraging acts of violence are required. The anarchist part is optional.