The OB Rag “Rapture” Survival Guide

As you’ve probably heard, a small group of Christians has somehow drawn a large amount of attention to their claim that the Judgment Day foretold in the Bible is happening this Saturday — tomorrow, May 21st.

Now, if the 21st turns out to be just another Saturday across America, it wouldn’t be the first time God failed to follow through with his end of the End Times. In fact, the 100% winless record of previous predictors of the Apocalypse suggest God is not above letting the faithful make fools of themselves.

Let’s not forget, this is a Creator who looked the other way as Catholics built their religion on the belief that the sun orbits the earth — but then let a Polish guy figure out the real story in the 1500s. If He’s up there, He definitely has a sense of humor.

But what if May 21st really is Judgment Day? Unfortunately, if you’re reading this article, the odds are you’re not making God’s cut, as regular visitors to The OB Rag tend to gravitate more towards freedoms than fundamentalists.

Instead of your soul ascending to Heaven to spend eternity eating grapes and strumming harps, your ass is going to be stuck on a sinned-out, dying Earth — so it will be helpful to have some key information at your fingertips.

If the Rapture comes tomorrow and you find yourself Left Behind, here are some websites that will help you endure the Apocalypse in style:

The ultimate Rapture resource
Visit raptureready.com for all your Judgment Day needs, including Top 10 Signs That The End Is Near, such as #7, Big Brother Taking Over, and #8, The National Debt Load. You’ll also find articles submitted by readers, a recurring feature called Israel Watch, and of course, a Donation Depot page, because even though our days our numbered, RaptureReady “needs your financial support.”

The Bible explains exactly what’s supposed to happen
At eBibleFellowship.com , the technical details of the Rapture are explained, with help from Bible quotes such as Peter 4:17: “For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of God.” And then there’s Amos 3:7 “Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets.” (It’s all becoming perfectly clear now, right?)

A scientist (a.k.a. heretic) explains what’s really going on
“In the U.S., there is still a significant population, mostly Protestant, who look at the Bible as kind of a puzzle, and the puzzle is God’s word and it’s predicting when the end times will come,” says Catherine Wessinger, a professor at Loyola University in New Orleans who studies millennialism, the belief in pending apocalypse. (source)

Is Rapture a problem or a business opportunity?
“Bart Centre, an atheist from New Hampshire, started Eternal Earth-bound Pets in 2009. He offers Rapture believers an insurance plan for those furry family members that won’t join them in heaven: 10-year pet care contracts, with Centre and his network of fellow non-believers taking responsibility for the animals after the Rapture. The fee — payable in advance, of course — was originally $110, but has gone to $135 since Camping’s prediction.” (source)

Obtain affordable supplies, no Group-on required:
Post Rapture Looting “Time: Saturday, May 21 · 12:00pm – 3:00pm. Location: Everywhere. More Info: When everyone is gone and god’s not looking, we need to pick up some sweet stereo equipment and maybe some new furniture for the mansion we’re going to squat in.”

Make sure this isn’t your realtor because he’s outta here:
“For believers like Jim Groark, the days leading up to Saturday are about pleading for mercy and hoping they will be among those who are lifted from Earth and into God’s rapturous embrace. ‘That’s my prayer,’ Groark said. ‘I don’t want to be here.’ The Point Loma man has spent much of this week handing out religious tracts near the San Ysidro border crossing, warning of the pending upheaval that is described in the Book of Revelation.” (source)

Anyway, good luck on Saturday, everybody. Personally, I’m expecting to hear a lot of R.E.M. on the radio:
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine…