The OB Rag “Rapture” Survival Guide

by on May 20, 2011 · 27 comments

in Life Events, Ocean Beach, Popular, San Diego, Satire

As you’ve probably heard, a small group of Christians has somehow drawn a large amount of attention to their claim that the Judgment Day foretold in the Bible is happening this Saturday — tomorrow, May 21st.

Now, if the 21st turns out to be just another Saturday across America, it wouldn’t be the first time God failed to follow through with his end of the End Times. In fact, the 100% winless record of previous predictors of the Apocalypse suggest God is not above letting the faithful make fools of themselves.

Let’s not forget, this is a Creator who looked the other way as Catholics built their religion on the belief that the sun orbits the earth — but then let a Polish guy figure out the real story in the 1500s. If He’s up there, He definitely has a sense of humor.

But what if May 21st really is Judgment Day? Unfortunately, if you’re reading this article, the odds are you’re not making God’s cut, as regular visitors to The OB Rag tend to gravitate more towards freedoms than fundamentalists.

Instead of your soul ascending to Heaven to spend eternity eating grapes and strumming harps, your ass is going to be stuck on a sinned-out, dying Earth — so it will be helpful to have some key information at your fingertips.

If the Rapture comes tomorrow and you find yourself Left Behind, here are some websites that will help you endure the Apocalypse in style:

The ultimate Rapture resource
Visit raptureready.com for all your Judgment Day needs, including Top 10 Signs That The End Is Near, such as #7, Big Brother Taking Over, and #8, The National Debt Load. You’ll also find articles submitted by readers, a recurring feature called Israel Watch, and of course, a Donation Depot page, because even though our days our numbered, RaptureReady “needs your financial support.”

The Bible explains exactly what’s supposed to happen
At eBibleFellowship.com , the technical details of the Rapture are explained, with help from Bible quotes such as Peter 4:17: “For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of God.” And then there’s Amos 3:7 “Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets.” (It’s all becoming perfectly clear now, right?)

A scientist (a.k.a. heretic) explains what’s really going on
“In the U.S., there is still a significant population, mostly Protestant, who look at the Bible as kind of a puzzle, and the puzzle is God’s word and it’s predicting when the end times will come,” says Catherine Wessinger, a professor at Loyola University in New Orleans who studies millennialism, the belief in pending apocalypse. (source)

Is Rapture a problem or a business opportunity?
“Bart Centre, an atheist from New Hampshire, started Eternal Earth-bound Pets in 2009. He offers Rapture believers an insurance plan for those furry family members that won’t join them in heaven: 10-year pet care contracts, with Centre and his network of fellow non-believers taking responsibility for the animals after the Rapture. The fee — payable in advance, of course — was originally $110, but has gone to $135 since Camping’s prediction.” (source)

Obtain affordable supplies, no Group-on required:
Post Rapture Looting
“Time: Saturday, May 21 · 12:00pm – 3:00pm. Location: Everywhere. More Info: When everyone is gone and god’s not looking, we need to pick up some sweet stereo equipment and maybe some new furniture for the mansion we’re going to squat in.”

 

Make sure this isn’t your realtor because he’s outta here:
“For believers like Jim Groark, the days leading up to Saturday are about pleading for mercy and hoping they will be among those who are lifted from Earth and into God’s rapturous embrace. ‘That’s my prayer,’ Groark said. ‘I don’t want to be here.’ The Point Loma man has spent much of this week handing out religious tracts near the San Ysidro border crossing, warning of the pending upheaval that is described in the Book of Revelation.” (source)

Anyway, good luck on Saturday, everybody. Personally, I’m expecting to hear a lot of R.E.M. on the radio:
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

avatar m00001 May 20, 2011 at 10:34 am

Don’t get left behind!!!

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avatar annagrace May 20, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Very, very funny. Such a deal!

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avatar annagrace May 20, 2011 at 10:36 am

What if Saturday is not only the rapture but also the zombie apocalypse? Don’t you think it’s weird that the Center for Disease Control (CDC) recently advised citizens to prepare for the zombie apocalypse? Night of the Living Dead meets Left Behind? Just sayin’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4fqCPLEJV8

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avatar Gary Ghirardi May 20, 2011 at 10:40 am

$135 is not going to by a lot of pet food. I suspect that the Republican Party will not diminish much as of Sunday but the beer sales should be strong.

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avatar John Nelson May 20, 2011 at 10:42 am

I saw the same sign in Kansas City

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avatar Outlaw May 20, 2011 at 10:59 am

Where’s Sarah and John Conner, and Kyle Reese?

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avatar Judi Curry May 20, 2011 at 11:19 am

What I am wondering, Shane, is if I should cancel my manicure, pedicure and massage appointment for early Saturday morning. What if the “Rapture” doesn’t happen until later in the day and I didn’t keep my appointments. Do you think I would not be accepted because my nails were so ragged? I would think that the massage would be a good thing – relaxed while traveling so far. All these decisions – for a Saturday yet!

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avatar Andy Cohen May 20, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Don’t worry, Judi…….the Rapture doesn’t apply to our kind. ;-)

At least you’ll be able to enjoy being pampered while everyone else is……..well, while everyone else is doing whatever everyone else is doing.

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avatar thinking out loud May 20, 2011 at 2:08 pm

I hear the beer is cold in hell, so bring it on !!!

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avatar Wireless Mike May 20, 2011 at 4:57 pm

That same billboard was up for awhile over the former Heavenly Doughnuts building at West Point Loma and Sports Arena Blvd.

MSNBC reported that Family Radio is worth around $72,000,000. Have they found a way to take it with them? Can we have their radio stations when they’re gone?

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avatar Jack May 20, 2011 at 5:48 pm

You laugh at us Catholics, Shane, but we will be giggling all week long, because all of you OTC’s will have let your guard down. Ha, It’s not the 21st. It’s the 28th!

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avatar Frank Gormlie May 20, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Funny man, funny man. (BTW, what’s an OTC, Jack?)

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avatar Jack May 20, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Other Than Catholic….jeeez

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avatar Patty Jones May 20, 2011 at 6:03 pm

It’s just that we’re waaaay other than catholic…. ;)

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avatar Jack May 20, 2011 at 10:11 pm

Patty then you would be WOTC…..and I am afraid you are a goner…or would that be a stayer? Regardless, tis been nice knowing ya…..

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avatar Sunshine May 20, 2011 at 6:21 pm

well, if it does happen, and I’m still here on Sunday … can I have your stuff? just sayin

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avatar Citizen Cane May 20, 2011 at 8:43 pm

So tomorrow all of the good people vanish, and only the bad folks are left behind. Some indicators to look for on Saturday….nobody doing just 55 MPH in the fast lane, all the drivers on the freeway will be talking on their cell phones. Keep an eye on your rear view mirror…..the police department will be fully staffed.

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avatar Patty Jones May 20, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Oh my god! (no pun intended) I almost peed my pants….

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avatar Gobnait May 21, 2011 at 4:03 am

Can I get it on DVD? I’m praying that Paul Ryan and Donald Trump are among the first to be taken up. Then I’ll be checking at 6:01 p.m. to see if the guy who chops up my shrubs with his weed whacker is still over there…

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avatar Gobnait May 21, 2011 at 7:42 am

P.S. My friend Síle says that Oprah will feature the end of the world on her finale – or maybe they are one and the same?

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avatar John P. Falchi May 21, 2011 at 6:55 am

The rapture should provide an interesting look at which of your friends are really as evil as you are and which will be raptured up, up and away. As for me I take after H.G. Wells who is reported to have said, “The world may end tomorrow, but I will play croquet at half past twelve.”

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avatar Frank Gormlie May 21, 2011 at 10:12 am

Hey guys! It’s really happening ! Can’t believe it ! I’m being pulled outta my chair … can’t type any m…..

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avatar annagrace May 21, 2011 at 10:22 am

And there were all these people standing at a bus stop- and they disappeared!!!

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avatar Jack May 21, 2011 at 10:54 am

You’re early Frank….perhaps its Patty just trying to get you to do some chores….

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avatar wendy May 21, 2011 at 11:47 am

i am really scared cause my dad comes back at 10pm or 9pm if the world ends :'(

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avatar wendy May 21, 2011 at 11:48 am

i mean that isf the world ends then my dad well stilll be at work :'(

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avatar Terrie Leigh Relf May 28, 2011 at 5:35 pm

What does WOTC stand for? Sorry. . .I forgot.

I wish that the alien coalition (i.e., G.O.D.) would pick up all these believers and take them to their own planet(s) so that they can enjoy each other throughout eternity. If that were to happen, then we would have a much more peaceful existence. . .or would we?

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