Republican National Committee staffers flustered by strange requests from new chairman Reince Priebus

by on January 20, 2011 · 13 comments

in American Empire, Are You Kidding?, Election, Media, Satire

Newly elected RNC Chairman Reince Priebus.

Editor: Here’s the latest from our chief satirist Shane Finneran and his ongoing research into the strange doings of Republican politicians.

Employees at the headquarters of the Republican National Committee in Washington, D.C., expressed bewilderment after receiving a lengthy list of unusual requests from newly elected Chairman Reince Priebus.

Formerly chairman of the Republican Party of Wisconsin, Priebus was elected to the National Committee’s top post on January 14. He will replace Michael Steele, who has served since 2009.

While it’s not unusual for new party heads to give staffers advanced notice of changes to come, Priebus has raised eyebrows by turning in an expansive, 286-page document outlining his needs and demands as RNC chairman.

“I thought Steele was getting weird toward the end there, when he started telling everyone to refer to him as Black Lightning,” said an RNC employee who requested anonymity. “Turns out this guy Priebus might be even more of a weirdo.”

Reince Priebus, Michael Steele, and other Chairman candidates square off at an RNC debate.

The document detailing the requests from Priebus, who did not respond to repeated calls for comment, appears to have been issued by his office at the Republican Party of Wisconsin. A copy of the document has been obtained by the OB Rag.

Many sections pertain to day-to-day operations at RNC headquarters. For example, an item in the first section, “Office supplies,” indicates that the “refrigerator in the kitchenette closest to the office of Mr. Priebus must always be stocked with at least 12 cans of the diet cola soft drink TaB.”

The wish list also includes favors and services that seem more difficult to deliver. For example, a section titled “Retribution” demands that RNC staff members “arrange IRS audits of several people whose photos Mr. Priebus has circled in his senior-year high school yearbook.”

The “Travel logistics” section of the document appears to confirm rumors that Priebus suffers from gephyrophobia, an irrational fear of bridges. “Any route Mr. Priebus is to travel by automobile must be submitted for his review at least 24 hours before the trip begins,” the section says.

A sample page from the 286-page memo from newly-elected RNC Chair Priebus:

(Satire by Shane Finneran)

Similarly, the section on travel notes that “Mr. Priebus prefers to stay at hotels without swimming pools or at least hotels with swimming pools that have been drained.” Unconfirmed reports suggest Mr. Priebus harbors an intense aversion to water.

Cindy McCain.

“The travel stuff is out there, but it’s all achievable,” said another RNC staffer who also asked not to be identified by name. “Some other things, though — like the Cindy McCain dinner — are going to be damn near impossible to pull together.”

Section 20 in the document from Priebus includes a request for “dinner — just dinner — with Cindy McCain.” A footnote to that request adds that “Ms. McCain would be free to join Mr. Priebus for a post-dinner activity if both she and Mr. Priebus find themselves in the mood for such an activity.”

The same section notes that “for research purposes, Mr. Priebus requests a 12-month premium membership to the website CougarLife.com.”

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

avatar OB Joe January 20, 2011 at 10:04 am

Holy mercatroid! What kind of name is “Reince”? I think somebody made a mistake somewhere along the line, as when the nurse asked for the name of the new baby, and the dad said “I’m rinsing the Pribus.”

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avatar annagrace January 20, 2011 at 11:41 am

Shane- are you two “friends” yet? Loved the tie protocol.

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avatar Peyton Farquhar January 20, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Is this from The Onion??

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avatar Dixon Guizot January 20, 2011 at 2:11 pm

I’m trying to get a regular humor piece going here on The OB Rag… sometimes satire, sometimes other funny (I hope) material. Still trying to figure out an appropriate name for the column.

Usually, each piece will have an underlying message relevant to OB/San Diego, to The OB Rag’s progressive politics, or to all of the above. This one, admittedly, is just silly.

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avatar annagrace January 20, 2011 at 2:48 pm

How about: “This just in…. by Finneran; The news that never gets reported because I make it up!”
I am completely looking forward to “regular” humor pieces, Shane. It is amazing how they change they tenor of my day! Smart, well written, no blueberries and pomegranates, and lots of crunch.

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avatar Dixon Guizot January 20, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Thanks very much, annagrace!

And BTW, just tried to “friend” Rience Priebus, but he doesn’t seem to have a Facebook page. Who is this guy?

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avatar Outlaw January 20, 2011 at 2:22 pm

The Mens Wearhouse? I think not….

If they don’t look good, the Mens Wearhouse doesn’t look good. I guess that’s why Republicans never look good.

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avatar ss January 20, 2011 at 10:04 pm

You had me, that’s great
I do know that republicans are pretty weird
So it could be real u just can tell any more So this may be real especially considering the name

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avatar Zach on the side January 21, 2011 at 7:25 pm

I have to admit, you had me too.

How about “Shane on You (all the news that’s new and ew!)”

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avatar Zach on the side January 21, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Clicking on his photo for closer examination, he does look like a new poster boy for “Hair Club for Men.”

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avatar Patty Jones January 21, 2011 at 8:20 pm

How many guns does he own?

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avatar tlrelf January 22, 2011 at 6:58 pm

This is hysterical, but satire aside, I would love to see the “unofficial lists” that staffers probably do need to fulfill. . .

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