Halloween Scare: Meg Whitman came to OB – not to buy a surfboard but – to buy the community.

by on October 31, 2010 · 18 comments

in Civil Rights, Culture, Economy, Ocean Beach, Satire

Meg Whitman in OB jg 01-sm

Meg Whitman meeting with OB leaders discussing the purchase of the community. (Photo by Jim Grant)

During Meg Whitman’s Halloween visit to San Diego today – Sunday, October 31st – we have learned that she will push her offer to actually buy the community of  Ocean Beach to local leaders.

During Whitman’s visit to Ocean Beach earlier in the week, much was made of her stop at a local OB surf shop to buy a surfboard and telephone the governor of Texas over a wager involving the World’s Series.  Whitman was supposedly wagering the surfboard for a pair of Texan boots over the victor of the baseball games. But this was just the spin of why she really was here.

According to secret correspondence that the OB RAG has received, the story about her wager was just a subterfuge of the real reason the gubernatorial candidate made a stop in this seaside village.

The real reason Meg Whitman was in OB, according to these documents, was to hold a secret meeting with leaders of the community and make an offer to purchase Ocean Beach.  Today – Halloween – she is supposed to contact these leaders and press her case for the purchase.

During her meeting with town leaders, Meg Whitman made the following offers:  She pledged that if the leaders allowed her to buy the community, lock, stock, and barrel, she promised the following:

  • She would completely fund the Ocean Beach fire station for two years – and then privatize the firefighting operations, handing them over to a partnership between Halliburton and British Petroleum – after the spectacular firefighting abilities of this corporate duo were on display during the recent Gulf oil rig disaster ;
  • Paramedics: she would immediately farm out paramedical activity to Blue Shield;
  • Police services will be upgraded with a new infusion of funds from the Meg Whitman estate; two additional helicopters will be provided, two police watchtowers will be installed at the beach with one installed at Robb Field;
  • Meg promised to completely fund lifeguard services – and build a new, spiffy 3 story Lifeguard Station, with brand new (paid) public restrooms; after one year, lifeguard services would be privatized to Xe (formerly known as Black Water);
  • Fire rings would also be completely funded by Ms. Whitman; covers and a cash deposit machine would be installed on each one – similar to paid parking lots;
  • The Ocean Beach Recreation Center would be renamed the Meg Whitman Gymnasium; no improvements would be made for a decade except for a new sign over the front door. The public will be able to use the gym through paid memberships; however no meeting space will be provided community groups; senior citizens showing up for the weekly breakfast programs will be referred to that nice lady who feeds the homeless every Monday;
  • The ancient OB Elementary School would be torn down after one year, and replaced with a shiny new, four-story educational complex renamed the Meg Whitman Ed Center. The new Center will be privatized and managed by Senator Rand Paul’s Center for the Reintegration of Education and Religion; religious classes will be held everyday and every student must attend; school texts will be replaced by new books authorized by the Texas Education Department; any references to evolution or civil rights will be carefully excised in the new texts, and the role of corporations in saving America will be greatly enhanced; Learning Business classes will start in Grade One.
  • The sandy beaches of Ocean Beach will be also preserved as a community resource; ropes and private guards will be placed at all beach entrances, and the public will have very limited access (as the public simply is too careless in littering and engaging in other destructive behavior); card-carrying members of the Special Friends of Meg  Club will have access 24/7 however.
  • All unions of firefighters, lifeguards, paramedics, city workers, police officers and teachers will be prohibited;

In return for all these funds, upgrades and other improvements to the community of Ocean Beach, OB residents, merchants, and property owners would pledge to abide by Meg Whitman’s “Citizen Protection Regulations”:

  • Ocean Beach – as part of the Meg Whitman Corporation – will be governed by the Board of Directors, with Whitman as head of the Board; Board members are appointed by the Chair;
  • All residents and citizens will be prohibited from voting in national, state, County, or San Diego elections;
  • Taxes for all citizens or local businesses that make over $5Million will be greatly reduced;
  • Poor members of the community will only be allowed on Medical, Welfare, and Social Security for two years max; there will be no unemployment insurance allowed; if one cannot afford to live in OB, there’s always the highway; no homeless will be allowed absolutely;
  • All entryways into the community will have Drive-thru Drug Test Centers; no one with a positive test will be allowed to enter the community;
  • Any person with gay or lesbian tendencies will have to make full disclosures to the Board of Directors, and will be required to hang crimson ribbons on their front doors;
  • Non-married persons will not be allowed to purchase condoms or other birth control;
  • Abortions, of course, will be strictly forbidden;
  • Gun-shooting practice will be allowed in the Sand Dunes of Dog Beach Reserve;
  • Surveillance cameras will be installed at major intersections, on high buildings, on the OB Pier, in each parking lot, in the halls of the new Meg Whitman Ed Center, at each lifeguard station, outside major markets and every liquor store.  The cameras will be monitored by personnel from BlackWater, the Coast Guard, and select members of the Special Friends of Meg Club.

(We have also learned that Ms. Whitman was sending out feelers on job prospects with the producer of “Terriers,” hoping to land the part of a “right-wing politician” on an upcoming episode)

However, despite these pledges and promises by Meg Whitman to the leaders of Ocean Beach, the secret correspondence that has been made available to us shows that there was a nearly unanimous rejection of Ms. Whitman’s offer. That outside just a couple members of the Ocean Beach Town Council, most leaders soundly rejected the candidates plan to develop a company town here in our community.

So, we say to you Ms Whitman, take your millions elsewhere. It’s too bad you didn’t use the $150 Million you spent on your campaign to really help the people of California.  The people and the leadership of Ocean Beach – or most of it – have one answer to you:

Meg Out of OB!

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

avatar oBak October 31, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Haha, great piece. Started subtle, ended surreal.


avatar lifeslittlefolly October 31, 2010 at 2:34 pm

I thought she was here to just buy me,I would be a good housekeeper or anything else she wanted me to be! OOPS I forgot we traded slavery for minimum wage!


avatar OB Dude October 31, 2010 at 3:48 pm

New sticker please…..MEG out of OB!


avatar Ernie McCray October 31, 2010 at 4:50 pm

Love it.


avatar Frank Gormlie October 31, 2010 at 5:54 pm

Forgot: hat tips to Jon Carr and Gary Ghirardi for the original ideas.


avatar ss October 31, 2010 at 9:23 pm

finally I will feel safe in OB


avatar Old Hermit Dave October 31, 2010 at 10:29 pm

The written word can be so amusing.


avatar tj November 1, 2010 at 8:13 am

Anyone notice if she had The Black’s anti-homeless sticker on her limo?



avatar jim grant November 1, 2010 at 8:35 am

dammit it was a white jumbo SUV…I should have put a ” US out of OB ” sticker on it !!
slacker i am.


avatar Frank Gormlie November 1, 2010 at 9:19 am

Oh well, great pic anyhow JG.


avatar lani mulholland November 1, 2010 at 9:56 am

And she really wanted that surfboard so that instead of shoving women in bars, her son Griff can whack them with a true iconic token of our State.


avatar Chris Moore November 1, 2010 at 11:20 am

What’s really going to suck is when she decides to outsource the OBRag to some company in Bangalore :(


avatar Frank Gormlie November 1, 2010 at 8:11 pm



avatar BillRayDrums November 1, 2010 at 11:45 am

Is this an Onion Story? LOL “The Meg Whitman Re-education camp” is more like it.


avatar Terrie November 1, 2010 at 8:57 pm

Now here’s a horror story. . .Is this the trick in trick-or-treat? Or have we somehow been abducted by evil aliens to April fools.

Sigh. . .I a so glad I wasn’t anywhere near her energetic flux.


avatar m.a. November 1, 2010 at 10:59 pm

You’re all a bunch of socialist hippie fools….Brown is going to bankrupt the state…Meg may not be perfect but at least she knows how to run a business….probably the last chance we have of saving this state from bankruptcy!! Most of you are left wing fools who I will certainly not take pity on when this state is bankrupt and your sorry ass is worse off!


avatar Sonia November 2, 2010 at 10:21 am

Wow m.a. …… how do you really feel!!!! Are you an opinionated hater or what?


avatar ClubStyle_DJ November 2, 2010 at 11:31 am

Are you kidding me??? Can you actually buy a town??? Does she have some big brass ovaries or what? My brain is imploding just thinking about the logistics of making such a ballsy move. Maybe she should have called the Starbucks CEO first, to find out how we roll here in OB.


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