I Need Somebody to Hate; Please Help!

by on June 25, 2010 · 44 comments

in Culture, Popular

Editor: John M Williams is sitting in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, with nothing to do except read what’s going on back home, and in OB. After reviewing all of the controversy and hate-mongering going on, he decided we needed some levity. Here’s his attempt to make us laugh.

by John M. Williams

I’ve decided that that’s what I need: Somebody to hate.

The old Airplane song had it backward, I think. We don’t need Somebody to Love, we need Somebody to Hate. That way, we’d have something we could share; we’d have something in common and could get along even though we each thought the other to be an idiot, fool, dolt, or just plain stupid and bad mannered.

So, I think I’m out of touch with the main stream, and you know how lonely that feels. I wanna get with it, be part of the gang, join up, have something to talk about with my new friends. I guess it could be something instead of somebody, although I think people are better because, if you pick a thing, then only those who love that thing will rise up in opposition against you, and I want to get my money’s worth out of this effort – still, some is better than none.

So, anyway, I’m asking, seriously, who or what should I hate? Let me know what you think. Here are a few of the ideas I’ve come up with.

Men? Women? Children? Modern art? Pool players? Swimmers? TV commercials? Smokers? Non-smokers? Advertising? Liars? Racists? Capitalists? Communists? Pigeons? Sparrows? Chicken? Chickerns? Fords? Chevys? SUVs? Economy cars? Foreign cars? Musicians? Farmers? Potters? Waiters? Car thieves? Banks? Bank robbers? Insurance companies? Doctors? Lawyers? Indian chiefs? Politicians? Preachers? Teachers? Stupid people? Ignorant people? Smart people? Educated people? Poor people? Rich people? Black skin? White skin? Brown skin? People who like guns? People who don’t? Rap music? Rock ‘n roll? Classical music? Opera? Ballet? Basketball? Baseball? Football – American, the rest of the world, Australian rules? Body builders? Wimps? Those who know better? Those who don’t? Christians? Atheists? Indians? Cowboys? Californians? Arizonans? New Yorkers?

Then, there’s that whole list of names given to various groups of humans who share ethnicity, skin color, tastes, sexual orientation, regionalism, situation, circumstance, social class, economic status, jobs, or religion, and I guess there must be a few other categories which elude my none too facile mind at this moment (I’m under stress with worry about this.): I could list the ones I know, but you probably have a list of your own – and, I’d hate to leave anyone out. This is about joining.

How about people who read? People who don’t? Mathematicians? Philosophers? Used car salesmen? Diesel engines? Computer games? The color blue? Long hair? Short hair? Beards? Mustaches? Ponytails? Horses? Bare-back riders? Flat tires? Cars that won’t start? Dead batteries? Cold meals? Soup? Bread? Tomatoes? Dirty clothes? Unwashed cars? Potholes?

Beer drinkers? Catholics? Jews? Muslims? The French? Germans? The Chinese? Health nuts? Socks with holes in them? Decaffeinated coffee? Lite beer? Butter substitutes? Wine drinkers? Pot smokers? Heroin addicts? Cats? Dogs? Rats? Mice? Flies? Fleas? Rain? Sunshine? Cloudy days? The sun? The moon? Moonless nights? Skinheads? Meth heads? Heavy metal music? Devil worshippers? The people on the hill?

Those on the wrong side of the tracks? Fat people? Whiners? The arrogant? The humble? Those who go along? Those who don’t? Talkative people? The reticent? Groupies? Hermits? Whites? Blacks? Asians? Arabs? Latins? Mexicans only? Tierra del Fuegans? Canadians? The cha cha? The quick step? Ballroom dancing? Bad TV shows? TV? Cars? Bikes? Bikers? Joggers? Bloggers? Iron men? The military? Chain stores? Big box stores? Fast food? Dieters? Pigs? Porkers? Poker? Slot machines? Those who have? Those who don’t? Non-natives? Natives? Non-native speakers? Native speakers? Bitches? Bastards? Pricks? Assholes? Misanthropes? Misogynists? Child abusers? Criminals? Cops? Wife beaters? Pedophiles? Sluts? Jerk offs? Guys who jerk off? Pornographers? Playboys? Bosses? The unemployed? Those who don’t want to work? People with jobs? Golfers? Kayakers? Sailors? Fishermen? Taxidermists? Foreigners? Locals? Polluters? People who give a damn? People who don’t? Pretty people? Ugly ones?

Oh hell, I give up! There’s too many choices. Do you see what my problem is? Maybe you guys can help.

So, here’s the deal: I’m running an essay contest on the topic: Who or What Do You Hate?

To participate, send your 10,000 word essay explaining who you hate and why (see details for format – non-conforming entries will not be considered) to “Hate, P.O. Box Millennia, Hell on Earth, USA” along with cash (no counterfeit bills will be accepted, please – unless they’re so well done that I’ll be able to pass them without endangering myself – I’ll leave that determination to your own good judgment, however, arrests will seriously impact the probability that you will be awarded the Grand Prize), check (a good one – com’on, play fair), or a money order in the amount of $1,000.00 (international entrants may substitute British Pounds or Euros) made out to: The MeFirst Foundation.

A distinguished panel composed of myself, the few friends I still have, if any, and selected people who respond to a Pennysaver ad offering the minimum wage will review all entries and determine the winner based on supporting justification, originality, eloquence, writing style, vocabulary, sincerity, and the emotional impact of your composition. The Grand Prize winner will be awarded a cash prize of as little as possible to keep him/her quiet, plus a large plastic plaque inscribed with his/her name and the company’s soon to be widely recognized extended digit logo.

Hey! Get that puking bitch off my lawn! I’ll turn the hose on you! I’ll get my gun! Fuck no, I won’t call the cops; I’ve got a warrant out. Just get the hell out of here and leave me and my bicycle alone! Dammit! If I could get out of this wheelchair, I’d kick your ass! Punk! Yeah! Well, good luck to you too! Punk. Shit! What’s on TV? No beer!? Life sucks! Ophra!! Crap!

{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }

avatar Jon June 25, 2010 at 8:32 am

VUVUZELAS!!! You left out the Damn vuvuzelas!


avatar Kenneth Legg June 25, 2010 at 8:35 am

I hate haters)


avatar Jon June 25, 2010 at 8:34 am

Actually, that gives me an idea. Maybe instead of a pocket knife, that guy could go around armed with a vuvuzela, and whenever some punk kid asks for change, BZZZT…. BZZZZ…..BZZZZRT!!!! That’ll keep the beggars away.


avatar Abby June 25, 2010 at 8:45 am

You sir, are a bloody genius!


avatar Ali June 25, 2010 at 12:44 pm

Freaking brilliant!


avatar Sunshine June 25, 2010 at 9:43 pm

youtube installs vuvuzela button on this video…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYDV0iqPMck



avatar Sunshine June 25, 2010 at 9:44 pm
avatar Sunshine June 25, 2010 at 8:37 am

even when so far from home, john, you were able to relate. thanx for the levity. While you pointed out so many delicious choices to select from and single out for their own dose of hater-dash, I’m gonna have to stay with my intention of love, light, & highest good for all.


avatar Abby June 25, 2010 at 8:44 am

I just HATE intolerance!


avatar tj June 25, 2010 at 9:43 am

Good one.

btw – “Somebody to Love” is by Freddie Mercury – Queen

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxbFLYa0_bw


avatar Greg Sullivan June 25, 2010 at 10:00 am

I think he’s referring to “Don’t You Want Somebody to Love” by JA. …not that they’re my favorite band or anyting…


avatar Jeff June 25, 2010 at 10:08 am

I hate people coming into OB that don’t know that the right lane on Sunset Cliffs turns into a right hand turn lane to W. Point Loma and proceed to make a last second merge back into the left lane. Zonies are especially guilty of this.


avatar Ali June 25, 2010 at 12:46 pm

I hate the ones that assume the left lane on the 8 merges into Sunset Cliffs and cut me off every day on my way home.


avatar psd June 25, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Those people too. Ah, eff it – I hate anyone driving a car that isn’t me.


avatar psd June 25, 2010 at 12:49 pm

Equally annoying are people in the morning on the way to work (not in the afternoon on weekends when people legitimately might not know better) that want I-8 from W. Pt. Loma and turn left from the left lane instead of the right, gas it, pass as many cars as possible, and dive into the right lane at the last second. I’ve got a guy that lives on my block who I’ve seen do it in his big dumb truck and almost cause an accident at least 5 times in the last 2 months…


avatar psd June 25, 2010 at 12:53 pm

But that’s off topic…I decided the other day that I hate skinny jeans.


avatar Christopher Prim June 25, 2010 at 5:12 pm

What do you think about skinny Jesus?


avatar psd June 26, 2010 at 5:14 pm

I like fat Jesus – 8 pound, 6 ounce baby Jesus that grows up to get tazed in the balls.


avatar Ali June 25, 2010 at 1:07 pm

Pretty sure that guy cuts me off all the time!


avatar Kenloc June 26, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Welcome to OB.Please don’t feed our guys in big dumb trucks…


avatar jim grant June 25, 2010 at 10:34 am

I hate people who disrespect. Don’t care where you live or what you call yourself. Your actions speak much louder than your words.


avatar Chris Moore June 25, 2010 at 10:37 am

I like everyone.

Except Norwegians, they smell like herring…


avatar Christopher Prim June 25, 2010 at 5:10 pm

Hey, you insensitive bastard. We don’t have senses of humor around here, so chill out, okay?


avatar Chris Moore June 28, 2010 at 11:26 am

Norsky-lover! ;)


avatar Christopher Prim June 28, 2010 at 12:34 pm

On the other hand, I don’t think I like herring…


avatar Ernie McCray June 25, 2010 at 10:42 am

I hate that I cannot think of something funny and clever to say right now when more than anything I’d like to have something funny and clever to say right now and I hate that I’ll be thinking about this dilemma all day which will probably make me hate the day and compare it with other days I have hated and then I fear hate will take me over and after all these years of not being hateful I will be hateful – and all from reading a piece that was intended to make me feel joyful and mirthful. I hate when that happens! Is there a Hate Anonymous organization I can turn to?


avatar RB June 25, 2010 at 11:09 am

I hate people that only hate the current wars based upon who was president.
Electing Obama ended the war protests but not the wars.
Bring the troops home.


avatar psd June 25, 2010 at 12:50 pm

I hate the fact that you’re dead wrong about that (but I don’t hate you). I covered an anti-war protest just a few weeks ago…


avatar Greg Sullivan June 26, 2010 at 5:55 pm

“I hate the fact that you’re dead wrong about that…”

You have to admit that once Obama was elected things went silent on a whole range of fronts and issues(if you want I can name them)–and as for the war protests, well, Move On moved on.


avatar Kenloc June 25, 2010 at 1:43 pm

I hate that you suffer.
I hate that you fear.
I hate the solution is not crystal clear.

I hate this issue.
I hate this talk.
I hate it when people puke where I walk.

I hate pollution.
I hate the man.
I hate skinheads and the klan.

I hate PB and MB too.
I hate the haters that hate you.

I hate the sticker and the message it sends.
I hate that your cold when the day ends.

I hate that your hungry.
I hate that your poor.
I hate that I’m unable to help you more.

I hate that your out there every day.
I hate that you hate that I feel that way.


avatar Kenloc June 25, 2010 at 5:13 pm

wow.glad you liked that enough to put it up)


avatar Jon June 25, 2010 at 5:20 pm

Nice work. Very clever. The “H” word has been thrown around quite a bit lately. I’m gonna try to go the rest of the week without using it in any context…except when talking about vuvuzelas.


avatar psd June 25, 2010 at 5:38 pm

With a game tomorrow, how could you even think of giving up on hating those things quite yet?


avatar Jon June 25, 2010 at 7:15 pm

I’m counting on the street fair to raise OB’s spirits. Remember, I still reserve the right to hate on vuvuzelas. ;)


avatar psd June 25, 2010 at 7:35 pm

I’m hoping one of the vendors will be selling vuvuzelas at the fair tomorrow…


avatar Jon June 26, 2010 at 8:46 am

I heard their going to start the fair off this morning with the T.J. national anthem performed entirely by vuvuzela.


avatar JMW June 26, 2010 at 10:40 am

Kenloc, very nice. Mike


avatar Goatskull June 27, 2010 at 1:43 pm

“I hate skinheads and the klan.”

Off topic but keep in mine that skinhead does not automatically mean racist.



avatar Kenloc June 27, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Thanks Goat.I apologize if I offended any of you non-racist skinheads out there reading the rag)


avatar Goatskull June 27, 2010 at 5:48 pm

No worries. I’m not a skin head myself by I am a fan of much of the music that is a part of skinhead culture.


avatar Christopher Prim June 25, 2010 at 5:09 pm

Look John, this is not hard. Pick your mother, your lover, the people on TV. Go out the door in the morning and you’ll find somebody to hate. Get online, go to work, read the news, hang out at the coffee shop, drive the roads, stop for fast food. Fall off a log..

You pick.


avatar Christopher Prim June 25, 2010 at 5:15 pm

Actually, I hate that I haven’t run into Janeane Garofolo.
When did she lose weight, get tattoos and become so hot?


avatar Goatskull June 27, 2010 at 6:11 pm

I hate the two wars we’re in but at the same time I hate people who extend their hatred of the wars to the actual people participating in it.


avatar Christopher Prim June 27, 2010 at 7:30 pm

Hey, I wrote a song about this, if you’re in the mood for rascalfarian folk rock:


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