Satire

It’s MY Plastic Bag, and I Do What It Wants Me To.

September 16, 2013 by Source

sdfp plasticbagflyingBy Bob Dorn

I love my plastic bag.

No one’s going to take it from me; not some foolish enviro nut-hazard with her meds in her pocketbook, or some Japanese squeeky clean wearing a mask in the subway, or a Filner Freak-o who spends his money on Mexican marijuana that probably already has some STD buried between its cracks, or Obama, the Holy, who solved Syria all by himself (ask the cruise missiles who solved Syria!!!).

No one’s taking my plastic bags.

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A Visit by the Ghost of Scandals Past: the Nightmare Larger than Mayor Filner

August 1, 2013 by Source

By Sherly U. Jehest

Not accustomed to nightmares – as I am usually a good sleeper – I had a horrible one last night and just have to share it with you – my San Diego nightmare.

I had gone to sleep at my usual time, falling into slumber some time between Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show with John Oliver and its first commercial – a truly deadly time for me. I was dreaming of rolling sheets of ocean waves, so pretty … when I noticed a pale figure emerge out of the surf and begin to walk towards me.

The figure got closer and I noticed it was a tall woman wearing long, thin robes. She approached me and got closer – when all of a sudden she was sitting at the foot of my bed.

“What the …” I started to say, partially sitting up, when she shushed me with a long bony finger to her pale lips, glancing over at my sleeping mate.

“Who are you?” I managed to squeak out.

San Diego boatdocks“I’m the Ghost of Scandals Past,” she said softly. She looked sad.

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FICTION: My San Diego Nightmare – a Visit by the Ghost of Scandals Past

July 31, 2013 by Source

By Sherly U. Jehest

Not accustomed to nightmares – as I am usually a good sleeper – I had a horrible one last night and just have to share it with you – my San Diego nightmare.

I had gone to sleep at my usual time, falling into slumber some time between Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show with John Oliver and its first commercial – a truly deadly time for me. I was dreaming of rolling sheets of ocean waves, so pretty … when I noticed a pale figure emerge out of the surf and begin to walk towards me.

The figure got closer and I noticed it was a tall woman wearing long, thin robes. She approached me and got closer – when all of a sudden she was sitting at the foot of my bed.

“What the …” I started to say, partially sitting up, when she shushed me with a long bony finger to her pale lips, glancing over at my sleeping mate.

“Who are you?” I managed to squeak out.

“I’m the Ghost of Scandals Past,” she said softly. She looked sad.

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(SATIRE) Ocean Beach Lifeguard Statute Is a Secret Republican Plot to Hold City Council Seat

May 23, 2013 by Frank Gormlie
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Today – Thursday, May 23rd – will witness the display of a secret Republican plot to maintain the City Council District 2 seat now held by Kevin Hawkner, a Republican who is termed out.

And it all involves the unveiling of a bronze statute dedicated to lifeguards in San Diego and Ocean Beach. Former Republican old guard, Byron Worn, who used to hold the seat, will be on hand to assist in the dedication. Byron used to be a lifeguard until he propelled his political career off the backs of the Lifeguard Employee Union and into the City Council seat – this was years ago – but his appearance today will confirm his continued involvement in local politics.

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NEWS FLASH: San Diego Free Press Goes For the Corporate Cash

April 1, 2013 by Staff
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This just in: the San Diego Free Press is going corporate.

From banner changes to types of articles published, the San Diego Free Press – the on-line daily journal for San Diego County has apparently made a 180 degrees turn from its prior stance.

We at the OB Rag are very concerned with these changes, as the SDFP was our baby. We re-birthed the online publication back on June 4, 2012.

Listen to some of these headlines (click on the headline to go to the article):

Mayor Filner Joins Forces with New York City Mayor Bloomberg

San Diego and New York City mayors take aim at sugary soft drinks

In a speech yesterday at the Balboa Park Club, Mayor Bob Filner outlined his plans for combating the consumption of large quantities of sugary, fizzy soft drinks. (Go to remainder of post.)

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Manchester Buys Baseball’s Padres, Changes Name

April 1, 2013 by Jim Miller

After having purchased and transformed the San Diego Union Tribune into America’s greatest newspaper in the Finest City in the World’s Best Darn Country, Doug Manchester is at it again. This time he has set his sights on the nation’s pastime and is aiming to put it back on the map for good by bringing an even more super American brand of baseball to the place where happy happens.

Change of course, is not just what will be left in your pocket after the Socialist in Chief leaves the White House, it’s the order of the day at Manchester Park, home of the San Diego Robber Barons. Swap out the statue of Tony Gwyn for one of the Lord Manchester himself and toss the swinging friar down the memory hole and replace him with that plucky little Carl DeMaio who will rove the stands passing out complementary reports on the inefficiency of local government and the scourge of pubic sector unionism.

As for the team, it’s been outsourced with all the players now coming from undisclosed third world nations and being paid at rates comparable to those they would receive in their native lands.

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Trump Plans March of Billionaires on Washington

November 15, 2012 by Source
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WASHINGTON (The Global Edition) — At a jointly held press conference today, Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch announced that they would be organizing “The Million, Billionaires march on Washington.”

After selling their list of demands to the reporters present, Trump spoke up, “There is no ‘affirmative action’ for billionaires. I went to vote, I couldn’t even get a cocktail with it.

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Hoax on US Attorney Laura Duffy Revealed – Medical Marijuana Advocates Tell All

August 21, 2012 by Source
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By Eugene Davidovitch / Americans for Safe Access

BACKGROUND: On October 7, 2011, at a press conference in Sacramento, US Attorney Laura Duffy, along with several other US Attorneys, announced a statewide crackdown on medical cannabis cooperatives, collectives, gardens, and others.

Without citing any specific violations in state law, Duffy’s office claimed all were out of compliance and would be targeted for eradication including those fully licensed and regulated by local government and law enforcement.

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FDA releases nutritional guide to insects, vermin and pests

June 13, 2012 by Source

“Let Them Eat Snake” report crawling with 21st Century food tips

By Victor Payan / San Diego Free Press

(BOCA RATON) Americans can stretch their dwindling food budgets and broaden their taste horizons if they’d only consider eating more insects, rats and vermin, according to Uncle Sam.

That’s the message from the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA), which today released a report on the nutritional value of more than 700 common insects, reptiles, rodents, amphibians and spiders.

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Dumanis to prosecute Zoo koalas for dealing eucalyptus

June 11, 2012 by Dixon Guizot
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From the San Diego Free Press

Erstwhile mayoral candidate turns focus to criminal element from Down Under

Bouncing back from her last-place finish in San Diego’s mayoral primary, District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis announced plans to prosecute members of a “eucalyptus distribution ring” at the city’s world-famous zoo.

The alleged conspirators — including long-time San Diego Zoo residents Thackery, Milo, and Cambee — are all koalas who live in the zoo’s “Outback” exhibit.

“While state law allows koalas to chew eucalyptus if they have a veterinarian’s recommendation,” Dumanis said, “virtually all of San Diego’s koalas consume eucalyptus regularly, and that ain’t right.”

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Group Declares War On Spain – Maybe – and Announces SuperPac and Bakesales

May 23, 2012 by Doug Porter
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The May Greys were out in full force Tuesday morning as a fledgling new group calling itself “Fight4America” trotted out a media event down at “Tuna Park” in downtown San Diego. With the USS Midway looming in the background, organizers unveiled three 30 second television spots that will air in key markets when and if enough money is raised.

They also promised to spend money on behalf of candidates and lobby for policies that support their mission of turning America’s military into the fine fighting force like it was back in the Spanish American War.

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“!Te amos, Carl!”: DeMaio earns endorsement from union of undocumented workers in Mexico

May 15, 2012 by Dixon Guizot
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TIJUANA, MEXICO — The signs at the union rally were lettered in red and green on a white background, reminiscent of the Mexican flag.

“!Con DeMaio al Norte!”
(“With Demaio to the North!”)

“!Si, se puede, jefe!”
(“Yes, we can, boss!”)

“!Te amos Carl!”
(“We love you, Carl!”)

The setting was a south-of-the-border parade on Tijuana’s famous Avenida Revolucion, where a union representing undocumented workers hoping to migrate to the United States endorsed Republican candidate Carl DeMaio for San Diego mayor.

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The OB Rag’s Voter Guide for the 2012 Republican Presidential Primary

May 11, 2012 by Dixon Guizot
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In the spirit of bipartisanship, compromise, and reaching out to our friends and fellow citizens on the other side of the aisle, here The OB Rag offers its Voter Guide for the 2012 Republican Presidential Primary.

See you at the polls!

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OB Rag purchased by Fox News

April 1, 2012 by Dixon Guizot
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OCEAN BEACH –Bankers representing News Corporation announced that its Fox News division had agreed to purchase The OB Rag, a local news website based in San Diego.

“With this acquisition,” News Corp chairman Rupert Murdoch said in a prepared statement, “News Corp silences an increasingly important voice for social justice and expands its local coverage to boot.”

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San Diego Finally Grants Ocean Beach Independence – New Changes Greet the Community

April 1, 2012 by Frank Gormlie
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An ever-present demand of Ocean Beach residents since the mid-1970s has been to be granted “independence” by the City of San Diego. OB tenants, property owners, and businesspeople have been clamoring for the village to be its own city for all these years.

Well, it finally happened behind closed doors on Friday. City officials met and decided once and for all that the sea-side community of about one mile square with roughly 15,000 residents should be its own municipality. The announcement was met with cheers from the Planning Board to the Mainstreet Association, from southern OB where the breakers beat at the cliffs to the northern climes where musicians, ex-hippies, bikers mix it up with students, elderly, sailors and working class families.

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City Council to Announce Plans for Two Homeless Shelters in Point Loma

April 1, 2012 by Jack Hamlin
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Sunset Cliffs and Silvergate Elementary Schools to be Converted to Large Scale Service Communities

The Mayor and members of the San Diego City Council will hold a press conference today at 3:00 p.m. to announce plans for what has been termed, two “Mega Service Centers and Shelters for the Homeless,” to be established in Point Loma. Mayor Jerry Sanders’ office announced the press conference yesterday. When contacted for comment, mayoral spokesman, John Galt, said, “We have had to be a bit secretive, but the plans for the centers have been over two years in the making. We are very excited about how well these particular sites will suit the needs of so many.”

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Nathan Fletcher is a Booger Eating Union Sympathizer with Cooties

April 1, 2012 by Doug Porter
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We’re Not Bitter about the Party Switch, Honest

By Dirty Carl Ryder

Well it is nice we are not talking about hoodies today…… March 28, 2012 was the day Nathan Fletcher ended his political career as an elected official at the young age of 35. He will not win another election ever again.

It’s never pretty to watch a panicking politician, but that’s what we saw with Nathan Fletcher today. You’ve got to wonder about the timing of this announcement. We’re not saying that Nathan Fletcher supports the homosexual agenda, even though he did announce his party switch the day before the ultra left LGBT debate. How about the fact that he was the only Republican assembly member to vote to force gay history in our crumbling schools?

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Flush with cash, Apple unveils plan to shift 700,000 jobs to United States

February 28, 2012 by Dixon Guizot
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CUPERTINO, CALIF. — Giving new meaning to corporate social responsibility, Apple Inc. announced it is “bringing home” more than 700,000 manufacturing jobs currently held by workers in foreign countries.

“As a leading corporate citizen of the United States,” the company said in a press release, “Apple can’t help but feel some sort of responsibility to its fellow Americans. So why not start hiring them?”

Apple plans to spread the employment across ten different U.S. cities, bringing each city an average of 70,000 new jobs, all with full benefits, by the end of 2013.

“We basically just gave our outsourcing team a different task,” Apple’s chief executive Tim Cook told The OB Rag. “Instead of scouring third-world countries to find where workers come cheapest, we surveyed America to find areas where these new jobs would make the most sense.”

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Gasoline Smugglers Caught in Ocean Beach as America’s “Gas War” Rages

February 24, 2012 by Frank Gormlie
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With gas prices over $4 a gallon and Middle East tensions not soon to be abated and with the price of a barrel of oil skyrocketing, the smuggling of gas into the United States is taking on a new priority, law enforcement agents admitted on Thursday on the beach at Ocean Beach.

Twelve gas smugglers were taken into custody in Ocean Beach on Thursday morning at the foot of the OB Pier. Local Pat James caught some of the scene with these photos.

The smugglers had come ashore on a small boat, called a “panga” which had a number of plastic jugs of gas. It was first assumed that this was just an ordinary “illegal alien” bust, but when authorities discovered all the gas jugs, agents had to rewrite their reports.

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Morphing the San Diego Mayoral Candidates

January 10, 2012 by Dixon Guizot
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Hey, local politics geeks, to celebrate this New-Hampshire-primary Tuesday, let’s morph the candidates for mayor of San Diego with the candidates for president of the United States!

Carl DeMaio seems akin to Ron Paul: a conservative outsider with a quirky personality who seems to enjoy rattling cages on both sides of the aisle.

As a candidate, CarlPaul would sport a perpetual disdain for the effectiveness of government, an admittedly eyebrow-raising characteristic for someone seeking more time as a government employee. Because government sometimes is ineffective, and sometimes worse, CarlPaul’s cranky message would carry more than a little truth and earn the support of a diverse range of disenfranchised folks with axes to grind, including many axes of the not-very-sharp variety.

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Memo to OB Rag Staff: New Standards for 2012

January 3, 2012 by Doug Porter
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Memo: To All OB Rag Staff

Re: New Standards for 2012

From: Doug “Bob” Porter

Now that Papa Doug Manchester has raised the standards for reporters over at the Union-Tribune it seems time that the OB Rag responds to this challenge. In our quest to dominate the Dead Tree media by the end of this decade, each and every contributor to this Rag must reach deep down inside and aspire for excellence. The “whatever, man” attitudes of the past couple of years need to be replaced with a will to win, now that we have a worthy competitor.

No longer is our Daily Fishwrap the product of far-away corporate overlords or inbred incompetents. The paper has been acquired by a local “developer”, in keeping with the San Diego tradition of local news media that will go any embarrassing length to espouse “more, bigger and better”. Opportunities like this are gifts for us rabble rousers and we need to appreciate them.

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Video: Road Work Creates Hazardous Ocean Beach Intersection

December 3, 2011 by Brenda McFarlane
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It’s been several weeks since road work on Cable Street in Ocean Beach was either completed or waiting for another phase.

However, on at least one intersection at Narragansett Ave. and Cable St., the road paint has yet to be replaced. This seems to have created a bit of a traffic hazard as hopefully the quick video grab I took yesterday morning shows.

Come inside to see the video…

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Mayor Sanders Presented Special “Golden Pluto” Award by Koch Brothers for His Handling of Occupy Demonstrators

November 23, 2011 by Frank Gormlie
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PALM DESERT, CA. At a special banquet last night held at Rancho Las Palmas – one of Southern California’s most exclusive resorts – San Diego Mayor Jerry Sanders was presented with one of the most coveted awards given out annually by the famous, billionaire Koch brothers.

Mayor Sanders was handed the “Golden Pluto” award by David Koch himself during the lavish banquet feast, which was attended by many big-city mayors, conservative politicians, pundits, and select press from all over the South West.

Sanders earned the sparkling “Golden Pluto” for the manner in which his office handled San Diego’s version of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrators. Early in their occupation of Civic Center Plaza in downtown San Diego, the demonstrators had their tents removed and were ordered upon threat of arrest to get rid of all sleeping bags and personal property.

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Top Secret: Herman Cain’s “Plan of Action and Talking Points”

November 9, 2011 by Mike James
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By Mike James / Special to the OB Rag

Last night I ordered a Godfather Pizza for dinner. Lo and behold stuck to the bottom of the box was the following memo.

Top Secret

Operation He Said She Said.

From the offices of Herman Cain for President:

Plan of Action and Talking Points.

1. Deny, Deny, Deny.

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Underage employee at iPhone sweatshop fired for 10-second pause honoring Steve Jobs

October 6, 2011 by Dixon Guizot
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Xiang Jo — a 14-year-old laborer on an iPhone assembly line in Suzhou, China — just wanted to pay homage to someone whose vision transformed the world.

Jo had no idea the homage would cost him his job.

The trouble started Thursday morning, when word of Steve Jobs’ death spread through the factory where Jo and dozens of other young Chinese use the toxic chemical N-Hexane to clean iPhone touch screens.

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Eight Signs of Republican Extremism: “See something, say something”

August 25, 2011 by Frank Gormlie
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The County of San Diego has just released a video to warn all of us of the “Eight Signs of Terrorism”, in preparation for the tenth anniversary of the Sept 11 attacks, as part of their “See something, say something” campaign. We would like to add to this watch our additional Eight Signs of Republican Extremism.

To report suspicious activity, email the OB Rag at obragblog@gmail.com.

People who do the following might be plotting Republican extremist acts:

* Under the guise and rhetoric of “small government”, order all welfare and other poor people who receive public assistance to submit to monthly drug tests, as clearly the poor use illegal drugs much more than the rest of us….

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Is Darrell Issa a Muslim Terrorist Sympathizer?

June 24, 2011 by Andy Cohen
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As the only member of Congress to have visited Lebanon–a country partially governed by a terrorist organization–and with Lebanese roots and a somewhat sordid past, can Darrell Issa be trusted with a prominent role in the United States Government?

After all, Issa is one of a handful of members of Congress that is of Arab descent: He is Lebanese and claims to be a Christian, but how do we know for sure? We can only take his word for it…. Darrell Issa is the only member of Congress to have visited the turmoil ridden Lebanon.

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From Arnold and Weiner to LSD: more OB Rag fun with fine art

June 18, 2011 by Dixon Guizot
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Following up on our first foray into the wonders of Google Art Project, we once again stroll a gallery of classic paintings, their names re-imagined by The OB Rag:                    

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Time to Regulate All Those Antique Stores

June 17, 2011 by Jack Hamlin
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By Jack Hamlin/ Special to the OB Rag

With the proliferation of Antique Stores in the Ocean Beach business district and in the greater San Diego area, I believe it is high time the City Council formed a task force to create regulations for these types of businesses. After all, they are popping up all over and as a homegrown problem the police need tools to oversee the manner in which these places do business.

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The OB Rag “Rapture” Survival Guide

May 20, 2011 by Dixon Guizot
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As you’ve probably heard, a small group of Christians has somehow drawn a large amount of attention to their claim that the Judgment Day foretold in the Bible is happening this Saturday — tomorrow, May 21st.

Now, if the 21st turns out to be just another Saturday across America, it wouldn’t be the first time God failed to follow through with his end of the End Times. In fact, the 100% winless record of previous predictors of the Apocalypse suggest God is not above letting the faithful make fools of themselves.

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